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Thread: Celebrity Predictions For 2011

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    Default Celebrity Predictions For 2011



    Celebrity Predictions For 2011
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Lindsay Lohan

    Li-Lo's downward spiral was one of the biggest stories of 2010, with the formerly hot starlet making one bad choice after another.
    I can fairly predict that 2011 is going to be even worse for Lohan - with her inability to be cast in anything but ABC Family original movies (oh, and Machete), her career will stall out and the influx of money she needs to keep herself in cocaine and unlimited data plans will dry up.
    She has no confirmed roles in anything coming out next year, and the only film she's even tentatively attached to is Disney rom-com One Night With You, but the latest from that project is that she's being replaced by Taylor Swift.
    So what's in the cards for Lindsay? I'm going to say a lifetime of "personal appearances" of the kind done by Jersey Shore stars, and the "party" will last forever.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Larry King

    2010 saw Larry King stepping down from his long-running CNN program Larry King Live, to be replaced by Piers Morgan. The wrinkly-faced pundit has avoided questions about what he's going to do with all of his free time, leaving us free to prognosticate.
    Here's our guess: he's going to die. King's most recent wife Shawn attempted suicide a month after the couple filed for divorce. Now Larry is all alone in the world, without even a TV show to anchor him.
    King has also expressed his desire to be cryogenically frozen after his death, so I'd bet that he's not going to put that off any longer. Something low-impact that doesn't hurt the face and Larry'll be a popsicle by June.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Britney Spears

    It's fair to say that Britney's career is just about over - no matter how many comebacks she tries to stage, her glory days have past. Squirting out two crotchdumplings has decimated her body beyond repair, and the pop music world has moved on in the interim.
    So what's next for Kentwood's favorite daughter? I'd bet that she's going to rebound-marry Jason Trawick, probably around the March release of her next album. The performance of said disc will be mediocre, it'll probably sound like Ke$ha, and Spears will retreat into a cloistered life once more.
    By the end of the year, reports will surface that the marriage is in trouble, with Trawick following the K-Fed model and sneaking out to party while leaving Brit home with the kids. It's a cycle, people.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    50 Cent

    Fitty had a weird-*** year - from losing 75 pounds for his role in Things Fall Apart to being romantically linked to Chelsea Handler, the once-imposing rapper has really gone bananas.
    I see 2011 keeping up this trend, as 50 Cent further distances himself from his "I got shot a bunch of times" thug persona and becomes something a little weirder. His albums will still be mediocre, but the stuff surrounding them will get weirder and weirder.
    Expect Eric Wareheim of Tim & Eric Awesome Show, Great Job to direct one of the videos from his upcoming fifth album, set to drop next year.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Justin Bieber

    So what's next for the Bieb? Well, that North Korean tour ain't happening, despite what 4chan would have you think. He spent the year chewing on the corpse of his My World album, releasing acoustic versions, so 2011 is going to be the year where he has to step up and actually release new material.
    2011 will see the release of Never Say Never, a 3-D concert film. It will do boffo business opening weekend and then fade quickly. As is always the case with the pop treadmill, his star will rapidly decline following the release of his sophomore album.
    While the next year will still be a profitable one for Justin Bieber, it'll mark the beginning of a downward spiral that will carry him out of the public eye by 2015.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Kim Kardashian

    The eternal reality star with the fantastic booty has publicly announced that she intends to "stay single" in 2010 after the end of her long-running relationship with Reggie Bush. I call BS on that. Her relationships are one of the only things that gets Kim Kardashian any kind of press, and we all know how much she loves that.
    Expect her new flame to be a little different in the 2K11, though. I see one of two choices - either the just-turned-30 Kardashian will adopt a child in Brangelina mode, or she'll cross the streams and be seen publicly making out with a chick.
    Either way, it'll get her in the headlines again, and again, and again.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
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    Mark McGrath

    If you were to plot a bizarre career trajectory, you couldn't do much better than Mark McGrath. Starting out as the frequently shirtless singer of horrible lite-rock alt-funk band Sugar Ray, he transcended the one-hit wonder music business to serve as the co-host of Extra.
    Since leaving the disposable culture newsmagazine, McGrath has been circling the drain of reality TV, hosting the *****cat Dolls' reality show and the syndicated version of game show Don't Forget The Lyrics.
    For 2011, I predict that Mark McGrath will fall even farther down the Hollywood ladder - in case you haven't noticed, we need a new ShamWow guy.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Kim Jong Il

    Let's face it, guys - Kim Jong Il doesn't have all that long to live. Drinking so much cognac and being absolute ruler of a nation full of living corpses can take a lot out of a primordial dwarf. I'm willing to bet that 2011 will be the last year of the North Korean dictator's life.
    So, with the light at the end of the tunnel, what will the krazy Kim do to close out his reign? I see one of two options. First, he either declares war on South Korea for real, kicking off a conflict that could theoretically lead to World War III if China decides to back his play. Or second, he kidnaps a bunch of people and holds a six-day orgy at the Imperial Palace to father the next generation of Leaders. Flip a coin.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Kevin Smith

    So the big issue with Kevin Smith in 2010 was his weight. The tubby director, a dude so 90s he still wears jorts at every opportunity, was kicked off of not one but two flights for exceeding the single-seat weight limit. Dude, I was on a plane with Ruben Studdard once and he fit into a seat. Just sayin'.
    Cop Out was a departure for Smith this year, being the first film he directed but didn't write. It was pretty bad. 2011 sees the release of his first horror flick, Red State, which is also the first movie of his to be passed on by the Weinsteins. I don't see it being very good either. After it bombs, look for Smith to return once again to the well and announce the third Clerks movie is starting production.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Ke$ha

    So Ke$ha had a very good year - from bargain-basement nobody to major league pop star in 12 months. However, I don't see that momentum lasting long into 2011.
    It's a demonstrable fact that our national attention span is shorter than it's ever been, with the new hotness rolling in just about every time we turn on our computer. I doubt there will even be a follow-up album from the singer next year - she'll make bank touring until her audience moves on, and then wind up on a reality show.
    My guess: either a VH1 talent competition or a contestant on Celebrity Big Brother.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Angelina Jolie

    Angelina Jolie basically did the same thing this year as she did every year. Made a few movies, raised a few kids, looked hot if a little too skinny, et cetera. That didn't stop the tabloidosphere from jumping on just about any faint clue that her relationship with Brad Pitt was in trouble, including... his beard.
    Expect more of the same in 2011, with Hollywood's coolest family continuing to bring up their multicontinental brood in a variety of locations. Her only major movie role casts her as Cleopatra, which is pretty appropriate. I don't see any major disaster in her future for some time - now that she's not carrying blood around her neck or making out with her brother, Angelina's boringly normal.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Charlie Sheen

    Two And A Half Men actor Charlie Sheen had a pretty brutal 2010, what with being bounced in and out of rehab and a messy divorce, not to mention multiple public breakdowns. So where will 2011 land him?
    One thing that's off the table is the cancellation of his sitcom - CBS has committed to it through at least 2012. Sheen just signed a contract that nets him $1.78 million per episode. Do you know how high you have to be to jeopardize that much money? Charlie Sheen does!
    I predict that Sheen will time his overdoses and rehab visits in between his shooting schedule, having at least one more major meltdown but miraculously pulling it together to make the first day of filming.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Kanye West

    Kanye was all over the map in 2010 - for every triumph like My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, there was a Matt Lauer meltdown or a couple dozen inane Tweets. So where can Kanye go next in his journey of spiritual exploration and/or exploitation?
    2011 sees the release of Watch My Throne, a collab album with Jay-Z. The pair will probably tour around it, but Kanye's prima donna attitude will scuttle the tour just like it did 2009's Lady Gaga cofeature. I see the manic West exploring a new medium next year, possibly visual art, with galleries tripping over themselves to exhibit his mediocre paintings.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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    Sandra Bullock

    If Sandra Bullock wasn't America's sweetheart before 2010, she sure as hell is now - coming through a messy divorce from a total dirtbag and adopting a kid from New Orleans and winning an Oscar can do that. So what's on the docket for her in 2011?
    Coming off of an Oscar win isn't easy to do, career-wise, especially for someone who has done so many stinkers. It seems like she's taking a little time off, as the only thing slated for her is rom-com Kiss & Tango. The best bet is that she will rebound sometime in the summer to a low-profile Austin, Texas resident and get pregnant by the end of the year.
    Just when you think you have all the answers,
    I change the questions

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