One night and four years later.

[confused_butterfly]

I have a strange problem which will probably make more sense once I explain some of the events that took place before I got to where I am.
A few years back I went away to a different city to start studies at university. At that time I was with guy A who I had been with for 7 years then. My relationship with guy A was ok, we started dating when I was 14 and then I moved to Britain when I turned 16. Our relationship continued till I was 19. For several years our relationship went well but then as I matured we started having a lot of fights, despite all that we really did try to make it work. However when I went to university, guy A and I were having fights every day and when I left home he totally ignored me for several weeks. I was very depressed and due to being in a totally new place had no friends. I locked myself in my room for days and cried my eyes out tried emailing him and calling, called his mother etc but got no response from him. I felt very abandoned.
Finally out of lack of options I met up with his brother (guy B) for some support who at that time was also in Britain as a student. He came over to visit me and one thing led to another and we got physical. He was my first. I initiated it and guy B went along. So this had happened we both have no regrets about it. I must add here that my sister had a huge crush on guy B, approached him and didn't get a response from him so hates her guts out of him. I broke up with guy A and no one knows about me and guy B being together, just 3 trusted friends. It has been 4 years and we have been together as a couple.
When we are together, as in the same living space we work beautifully as couple, however things have changed now. I have finished my degree and back in my home town, before we were in a live-in relationship and now I get to see him once in 6 months or so. I am happy with him but lately we have been going through some major communication problems. I want to spend time with him but he is very busy and finds it difficult to pay attention to me. I know he means well but it hurts my feels when he presents his excuses for not being able to talk to me. I don't think there is another girl involved, we are beyond that... if there was someone he would tell me and likewise for me.

My problem now is that I have not told my parents about him and neither has he. We keep trying to find an apt opportunity to tell them but because of my sister and his brother (guy A) the relationship between our families has become very sour. This to the extent that my mother has asked me not to even talk to them on facebook. Guy B is a really nice honest guy, he has told me everything about his past. Infact too honest for his own good as he has told my sister, who use to be really good friends with him before, everything about his past girlfriends etc. My sister has used this information to make his image that of some sort of player in front of my parents. She told my mom about him being physical with his ex-gf. Similarly guy A after the break up has poisoned his family against me. Guy A was cheating on me with some other girls but has defamed me for going out, doing drugs, getting drunk and sleeping around. All not true.... I have been physical with just one guy...that's guy B.

I want to tell my parents about Guy B and that I want to marry him but they hate him. I am afraid of the reaction that my parents will have if I tell them how long this has being going on for. Also he wants to tell his parents but he cant cuz their family is going through some major stressful time and this would just be one more thing they will have to worry about. We feel that the timing of us telling our parents about us is very crucial for this to work. I am 23 now and doing post-grad...parents are starting to put pressure on me for choosing a guy... not arranged but you know tell them if I like someone.

The second problem I have is with guy B. As I said his family is going through stressful time and so he is working extra hard 12-14 hrs a day. He turns his phone off and tells me that he is avoiding his mum cuz it stresses him out when they speak. I have seen him do that when we were together. His phone remains off for weeks. I can call a friend of his and he comes online then but we talk like after 3 days of me trying to get a hold of him. He never initiates a conversation, partly because we don't want to blow our cover. Lately, he has stopped texting me too.
My question is, how can I calm down about not being able to talk to him. I am so depressed that I am thinking may be breaking up will be a better option than to tolerate this pain that i feel. I really miss him a lot.

I am living a completely deceptive life where no one knows the truth about me. I love my family and I dont want to do anything to spoil our relationship but unfortunately sometimes things happen that one never anticipate. All my friends tell me all sorts of different things and I am confused. What should I do and how can I remain sane and balance all this madness that one night has created in my life.

[Preeto Maam]

Hi!

I see that you have given a poll for your queries, so are asking for public opinion. That's fine too. I've polled!

[enjoy_lol]

you have a query and you have a solution..... we just need to choose one of the options........... am outta here

[complete_man]

A, B, C, D... Phhewwww!
u cud hav cut it short, isnt it?

[confused_butterfly]

Actually, I need opinions. The poll I just put in for now reason. I thought of putting it in cuz there was an option available. I want a discussion over this. I am really serious this whole thing is really stressing me out.

Thanks for taking you time and reading this. I know it is long.

[sheikh]

Butterfly

just think for everyone but decide Your self

[Thank You]

Ok look , first of all chill and relax , yes it is a little messy but everything can be worked out

1) keep patience and do not think of break up presently , talk to your love ( i prefer to use love then call a lover as a bf ) , talk to him , fix a time that once or twice a week , come online at XYZ time , example , say come online on sunday at 11 AM and say him i trust you and no need to call daily , just converse me at least once a week at a fixed time

2) Tell your mother or father ( whoever you are more close to ) , talk to one of them and tell everything , ask your lover to do the same thing with his family , tell them everything and ask them to support yourselves

3) Don't hurry on , wait for their financial issues , look here you can help your lover with some tips of saving money and all , he will feel happy and more secured and later on when he tells his parents they will feel proud of you

4) Don't chat with him on Facebook much , keep your relationship under wraps , there is nothing wrong in it , it is a personal thing and not to show off , so feel confident .

5) Always you from your side leave him a simple good night mail and good morning mail , which will take only 1-2 minutes , just write Good Morning Love /Darling / or any name by which you call him

6) Look ask him to be patient and do not stress him with relationship burden , ask his friend to be in touch with you , keep yourself updated about him

Now dear , there are no solutions in life , it is how we approach our life , in a way to solve different issues , keep faith on god , your love and on yourself , don't think of breaking up , do not avoid problem in fact feel proud that he is with you despite all the family problems.

[confused_butterfly]

Ok look , first of all chill and relax , yes it is a little messy but everything can be worked out

1) keep patience and do not think of break up presently , talk to your love ( i prefer to use love then call a lover as a bf ) , talk to him , fix a time that once or twice a week , come online at XYZ time , example , say come online on sunday at 11 AM and say him i trust you and no need to call daily , just converse me at least once a week at a fixed time

2) Tell your mother or father ( whoever you are more close to ) , talk to one of them and tell everything , ask your lover to do the same thing with his family , tell them everything and ask them to support yourselves

3) Don't hurry on , wait for their financial issues , look here you can help your lover with some tips of saving money and all , he will feel happy and more secured and later on when he tells his parents they will feel proud of you

4) Don't chat with him on Facebook much , keep your relationship under wraps , there is nothing wrong in it , it is a personal thing and not to show off , so feel confident .

5) Always you from your side leave him a simple good night mail and good morning mail , which will take only 1-2 minutes , just write Good Morning Love /Darling / or any name by which you call him

6) Look ask him to be patient and do not stress him with relationship burden , ask his friend to be in touch with you , keep yourself updated about him

Now dear , there are no solutions in life , it is how we approach our life , in a way to solve different issues , keep faith on god , your love and on yourself , don't think of breaking up , do not avoid problem in fact feel proud that he is with you despite all the family problems.

Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate you taking the time out for me. I realise that most of the effort must come from me to make this relationship work. :-)

[confused_butterfly]

Feels good to finally let it all out in black and white for the first time in 4 years. Even my friends don't know the truth.

[polykrishna]

give mr B some time to settle down or help him as u may be earning to support marriage in near future.

show love respect etc to MR B to appear as wife material.

Tell Mr B that u want to tell mom /dad abt ur relationship.

[Preeto Maam]

Goodness me! What a kettle of fish! Basically, everyone in the drama hates everyone else except you and B....and now you are in a quandary as to how to get out of this darned situation.

The first thing I feel like telling you is to get out of this crazy situation, but obviously, that's going to be painful for you and B, so lets see how we can best handle this. OK....here goes...

Firstly, tell this guy that since he is the one switching off his phone, the onus of contacting you lies on him and he NEEDS to do it once a day (or at whatever interval is easy for you both) He can't just switch off the phone and leave you to deal with all your doubts and insecurities. That's not what a lover/ partner is supposed to be all about.

Secondly, let HIM tell you how he plans to deal with this situation, what future he sees for you both.

Thirdly, both of you make a plan as to what all you are ready to do to be together (tell your parents? withstand their pressure? flout their authority make your own decisions? get married no matter what?....things like that) And make a time line which you both should abide by no matter what, so that you are both convinced of each others seriousness to be together.

Somehow, I'm not too convinced about his support and role in this whole thing. So you need to get a very very clear picture for your own emotional sanity. If he is not willing to stand by you, you need to know that too. And also question yourself as to how far you are willing to go for him.

One thing is clear...Its stressful as hell on you and maybe you should start thinking of yourself first.

This may not be the advice you are looking for, but I don't see any quick fixes here, my dear. Its a situation which requires strength and patience from both of you.

[confused_butterfly]

As far as communication is involved he has offered a solution himself. Just got a new number which he will keep on if he wants to switch his other number off. He stresses that it isn't me that he is trying to avoid and to prove it he has got a new number and given it to me and hasn't switched it off for two days. I am happy with just texting basically.

As for the bigger problems we need to talk about it as you suggest and I need to really reflect upon what I want and what I need and make a decision about us.

I don't anticipate financial insecurity in future once I finish my studies and get a job and I feel that I must prioritise this before taking any step. If I am independent then my parents are more likely to respect my decision and be happy with it too. I am willing to invest another 1.5 years on this relationship but after that if I don't see us moving forward in some way then I think it will be make or break time. This is my opinion solely. I need to discuss this with him but will keep you posted.

[pkb123]

I believe that every tough problem has easy solution thereof.

You both are major.
You both like each other.
You both are understanding each other well.

Find out whether you both are willing to live with each other as a married couple.

Your B can have another SIM only for talking to you and keeping himself away from his mum and friends, with whom he does not wish to talk. By this, you will not have communication problem.

When communication is there, then you will be able to talk frequently to B and have a clear view point of him that whether he is interested in maintaining long life relations with you or not.

If yes, then go ahead without thinking for here and there.

Get a part time job and find if your B is willing to live with you (separate from his family).

Get married to each other.

Live as you wish.

Time would heal at its own with its own speed.

Good luck.

[confused_butterfly]

Its been a year since I last posted this! Today I stand here wiser. I thought I should share this with you because discussing it here with everyone really helped me maintain my sanity. The cat is still in the box but me and Mr B are still going strong. Communication isn't too much of a problem either. I am continuing my studies as I don't feel its necessary to get married and settle down yet. I think our relationship can only get stronger from here.

Thanks to all SB users who commented here. You all helped me see his point of view as well as the bigger picture on the whole, which I couldn't see between the fighting and freaking out.

Over all thanks a million.

[theachiever]

My personal suggestion would be that you better continue with your studies,complete it get a good job for yourself and then take a call on this.Because at that point of time you do have your strong reasons to convince your parents.

Secondly communicate your parents about this.Convince them why Mr.B is important to you inspite of he being brother of Mr.A as you have known him very well till now. You also have to convince them that attitude wise he is different from Mr.A.

Both of you need to have a strong bond and understanding most importantly faith in each other so that the evil effects like creating a misunderstanding etc of Mr.A and your sister who has a crush on Mr.B are handled well.

Thirdly and the most important point don't have plans such as eloping etc which may crop at some point of time when you may get frustrated if things aren't going your away.Convince convince and convince your parents till they feel you will be fine with them.


Best wishes and Regards for all your future endeavors.