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Thread: Sister problems troubling me

  1. #1
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    Default Sister problems troubling me

    My sis is 22, I am 25 (girl). My sister has always looked up to me. We are hindu. She was falling in love with a muslim guy. So, she talked to us (family) and discussed. This was 1-2 yrs ago. We said no as we know that muslims are very rigid and try to use hindu girls etc. No offence, I hv muslim friends too but it is extremely difficult for us to have someone in the family with a different religion as they are very kattar. Anyway, my sis said ok and said she'll not say yes to him then. That was that. However, my sister is in medical college and this guy is in her class. So, she cannot avoid him. And she doesn;t even want to! We cannot do anything because we try to talk to her about him and ask her, she says " i dont want to answer thuis question"... she doesnt tell us anything. She says shes studying but she is with him all the time. Also, I found other evidences that she was with him which I dont want to discuss. It will do no good to tell my parents as she has already said to all of us tht if we do not support her, she will leave the house and shift somewhere else. We want to keep the family in tact. We do not want to lose her. As a sister, I am terribly hurt because i feel tht she didnt trust me to tell me the truth. She is constantly lying to us to be with him. What should I do? She asks for my suoport, and keeps her life totally hidden from us. I am really hurt. ... I want her to be happy but at least dont lie to us?
    I cannot say tht i wont support you because i love her too much. and dont want to lose her.
    Last edited by Preeto Maam; 24-04-2012 at 09:45 PM.

  2. #2
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Well, yes, its an issue because she is an adult and she loves this guy and there's nothing that you can really do about it. I'm not sure what help you want from me here, because they are both consenting adults, you know, and as such, in a position to be able to make their decisions concerning their lives.
    You may want to get to know the boy and his family a bit better before jumping to conclusions about the way they would be.If religious differences are a huge issue, then well, consult with your family.

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    there is really nothing more to add.. perfect reply... ...
    Quote Originally Posted by Preeto Maam View Post
    Well, yes, its an issue because she is an adult and she loves this guy and there's nothing that you can really do about it. I'm not sure what help you want from me here, because they are both consenting adults, you know, and as such, in a position to be able to make their decisions concerning their lives.
    You may want to get to know the boy and his family a bit better before jumping to conclusions about the way they would be.If religious differences are a huge issue, then well, consult with your family.
    Live amongst people in such a manner that if you die they weep over you and if you are alive they crave for your company.

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    It sounds like you are divided between sisterly love and the duty you owe to your family to upkeep the family values. I understand that your family is strict about who to marry and what religion that guy should or should not belong to. They are right in their thinking.
    Now your sister is also right in her needs and wants to choose and marry who she pleases to be with.
    It would be in your family's and your sister's best interest to come together and talk. However, before that can happen, since you sister asks for your support and is still willing to talk to you, you should keep her in confidence and talk to her before you whole family can be involved.
    What happens mostly when people fall in love is that they become stuck in their emotions and fail to forsee the future. Therefore they lack the foresight that is needed to make proper decisions.
    Maybe you can sit down and talk to her and see how she is feeling and how the guy is and how he is treating her.
    Before you talk to her, you should think about what her future would be like with the guy, what changes she would have to make to her lifestyle, what both the families' equation would be like, would she ever be able to see you guys, what her kids would be like, and so forth. Most people don't think about this before jumping into a relationship.
    It is always better to keep the family united than to have her rebel against you guys and take a step she would regret later.
    Hope this helps!

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    The Avenger !! Lieutenant-Colonel murtazas's Avatar
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    muslim hindu kuch nahi hota...pyar main bhagwan hai..they are big enough to decide..
    Love for your country is part of your faith" Holy Prophet (S.A.W).

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    Your sister needs to wake up! It is good in bollywood movies but when it comes to real life she will seek for divorce in 3 months. Having a relationship where you hang out, enjoy movies, have drinks are very different to settling down in life where the wife has to be responsible for all the household, take care of the kids etc.

    The honeymoon period ends very quickly and the reality sets in. The reality is that this relationship will not work out.

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    Quote Originally Posted by murtazas View Post
    muslim hindu kuch nahi hota...pyar main bhagwan hai..they are big enough to decide..
    oh please! spare the poor girl the senti tollywood comments!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Preeto Maam View Post
    Well, yes, its an issue because she is an adult and she loves this guy and there's nothing that you can really do about it. I'm not sure what help you want from me here, because they are both consenting adults, you know, and as such, in a position to be able to make their decisions concerning their lives.
    You may want to get to know the boy and his family a bit better before jumping to conclusions about the way they would be.If religious differences are a huge issue, then well, consult with your family.
    v
    Got new samsung galaxy grand 2 on my wedding ani.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    My sis is 22, I am 25 (girl). My sister has always looked up to me. We are hindu. She was falling in love with a muslim guy. So, she talked to us (family) and discussed. This was 1-2 yrs ago. We said no as we know that muslims are very rigid and try to use hindu girls etc. No offence, I hv muslim friends too but it is extremely difficult for us to have someone in the family with a different religion as they are very kattar. Anyway, my sis said ok and said she'll not say yes to him then. That was that. However, my sister is in medical college and this guy is in her class. So, she cannot avoid him. And she doesn;t even want to! We cannot do anything because we try to talk to her about him and ask her, she says " i dont want to answer thuis question"... she doesnt tell us anything. She says shes studying but she is with him all the time. Also, I found other evidences that she was with him which I dont want to discuss. It will do no good to tell my parents as she has already said to all of us tht if we do not support her, she will leave the house and shift somewhere else. We want to keep the family in tact. We do not want to lose her. As a sister, I am terribly hurt because i feel tht she didnt trust me to tell me the truth. She is constantly lying to us to be with him. What should I do? She asks for my suoport, and keeps her life totally hidden from us. I am really hurt. ... I want her to be happy but at least dont lie to us?
    I cannot say tht i wont support you because i love her too much. and dont want to lose her.
    People are dating doesn't necessarily mean that they have to/will marry each other. Let her have fun and by the way there is no 'using' if she is a willing party. She is using him too. I am sure once they are done with each other she will marry some guy that you guys choose for her or someone that she chooses for herself. If they decide to get married that is even better. If she is dating him I am sure she knows a lot more about his religion and family than you do. Please do not discriminate against anyone because they do not follow our practices or are not like us. We are all human and that should be enough. It is high time at least educated people stop discriminating against each other.

    As far as people being rigid about religions is concerned, it depends. I have lived with a Muslim family for a year and they were very cool with everything. They trusted me with their two daughters that were around the same age as me. Half of my friends are Muslim and I went to Mosques too with them and I was given VIP treatment. It is all in your heart and in your eyes as to how you choose to look at the world and in your ability to choose your friends and relationships.

    As an elder sister advise her to be careful to not get pregnant or contract any STDs. As a medical student I am sure she is aware of this too. Do not worry too much about this as long as she is returning home at reasonable hours and as long as she is not being abused. Make sure she is aware of all the pros and cons of this relationship ending in a marriage (such as the possibility of the conversion of her religion, to give one example) and the fact that this relationship might or might not result in a marriage so that she is ready in case this doesn't result in a marriage. Help her think this through.

  10. #10
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    I understand your concern for your sister. The problem I see here is, your sis lost faith in family members. She realized all you people are against her wish in getting married to that guy and since she knows you will not give her any support, she is enjoying her time keeping away the topic altogether from you. I guess the foremost thing essential here is to win her faith. You can start discussing with her in a way she feels secured in you. Tell her you understand how true her love is and ask her to take some more time to analyze things about the guy, his family and how their customs are etc., if she can cope with their traditions. Also, I see that your sis age is just 22. This is the time when career should take the priority. If you can alter her attention towards career you are half won. I think meanwhile, you can be quite supportive to her and for timebeing just dont stress on religion issues with her. She is not in a state to analyze it atleast now. However, just convince her that she should not hurt her family taking any hasty decisions as you all love her very much and dont want her to be in trouble. Hopefully with time, she can better analyze if she can fit into the family's tradition/lifestyle.

    Good luck!

  11. #11
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    Well she is old enough to know all this. She is going to a medical college and she should konw better. Anyways the thing is that you have tried to talk to her about this and she dis not ready to listen and she has this thing that she will leave if you don't support her. OK let her go and see how far she gets that is the only way she will learn. Also. like the maam said get to know the boy and his family.

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    Thumbs up tell everthing to your parents

    she is mature,u cant do any thing against her,ur first step should be tell everthing to your parents,muslim is not a problem,we are in 21st century,try to make your parents agree and help her sister

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    Default ur sis is somewat acting....mad

    i think u should find out the reason , why . Have u met this guy before , is he smart enough or is ur sis ugly enough (don't mind) , the reason for ur sis to chose muslim guy ,does she feel insecure about her future whether she could find a better guy or not .

    u should try urself first then tell ur parents , i don't think that she know consequences for her future & her families?

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