i am confused

[arumita]

hello Mam and all my friends here
you all are doing a very good job here so today i want your help in some serious matter , pl friends help me to get out of this situation ,as i am loosing it already .

As you all know that i am married , working and also have a son you also know about my Mother-in-lawand her activities , these days she is creating drama in home to pressurise me for leaving my job which i dnt want , i was not in mood to continue my job after my marriage but as my hubby did not had any job at that time i keep on doing it inspite of regular back biting of my mil, and now when my hubby has got the job and start getting salary she wants me to be in home , today she just shout so much on me and my hubby also supports her and i am not shocked because i know his mother has great influence on him .

Mam she wants me to be in home for four days as i am working in a pvt company and festival season is going on it is tough for me to get leave for so many days and i know if i remain in home she will do every thing to make my life hell but if i do not apply for leave today they are thinking of sending me to my parents home which i dnt want , should i apply for leave , also i am thinking of leaving my job at the end of this financial year.

pl help me .

[sens]

HI siso,

first of all let me give u feel good hugs..........

siso i understand all these problems very well..sometimes these old people are not willing to change their mentality... & support of their son encourages them to carry on...

if men were sensible enough to know whats right & whats not.. & stop their mothers frm doing wrong ,they will definitely stop.. but i donno why these men feel that they should support mom even if his mother is wrong..

i m sailing in same boat..

i know how it hurts to leave job & be at home.. esp i understand ur fear of facing ur MIL everyday & new tortures u may have to bear.

even i had to leave my job after marriage.. & for four years i ahve led a life like a beggar ..like a parasite.. like a football..


having financial independence to some extent is security dear siso.. have u saved enough money???


sis, as long u quietly =bear all this they will continue torturing u in every different way... & if u fight situation will get worst...


all u do as of now is talk to ur hubby.. tell him u are ready to leave job for his sake..BUT he has to pay u some amount of pocket money.. or deposit some money in ur bank..


if he is reday to do that.. u are ready to leave job..

[well i know yeh sab easy to write baatein hain.... even i had no guts to ask for it... the prob is i feel... our education.. our lessons we learnt all life to be slef reliant.. it is easy for uneducated woman to demand things from hubby... not US]..

siso see the brither side of leaving job---

* u can spend more time with son..
* u will get rest at home

see anyways ur MIL hasnt stopped torturing u even though u are working. even u stay at home she will play her games... but ignore..
& second point is-- even though u used to work u had to do house work also...

now u get to do only house work..

siso being at home initially will drive u crazy... but eventually u will realise how much ur body was tired waking up early getting ready... going out in cold... facing the stupid eve teasers..come back home & again work... on the days u ahve off bear with MIL tortures...

atleast now all tat tension is not there...

all u ahve to do is very smartly just find a way of being happy at home... sis... in ur last income or PF.. get yourself laptop...

& concentrate on son... infact in thi age son also needs u....
see ur happiness in his happiness... forget the negativities... concentrate on good things in life...


think about the positive reasons ....

all the best sis...


believe me sis , even now when i think of MIL & sil my heart aches...


yesterday i was thinking about past... & all night i had nerve wrecking headache.. & i vomitted... it easy to say... but hard to forget & ignore...
BUT TRY>>>>

for ur good.. for good of ur son.. for ur husband...

JUST be BRAVE... & smile ...

[roseboy11`]

aru how abt get full time maid at home .. u can pay her from ur salary .. n ur mil can make her work ..

so that u can do ur job freely ....

[invincible07]

Aru i know how difficult it is for you but you will have to fight it...if you succumb to it you will lose your freedom & will always be monetarily dependent...its a vicious cycle...they will make your life hell once you are sitting at home...

Try to reason with your hubby...seek his support cause without his support you'll have to do what your MIL is saying...

[lifesite]

NOO, Dont think of leaving the job !!!!

You are independent woman and can manage your life n your son's life the way you want.
I don't want you to fight at home but I dont want you to take all this and give up so easily.

As long as you are independent you can manage your life even without your hubby as for a small reason they are planing to send you to your parents home that is ridiculous.

If you quit your job you would have more of this and thats too without break so best is to try to manage with work and for the time being just for peace at home you can apply for leave and if its not possible then make them understand which is I know is too next to impossible but you have to take your stand.
Otherwise you have to bear this all lifelong.

Try to do what you can do at home to please everybody but don't quit the job and plus dont listen everything they are saying & draw a boundary so they won't miss use of your nice attitude towards them.

Be strong and I am not saying that you live alone but the at some point leaving alone is better than in a hell.
So stay independent and stay strong.

May God give some Budhhhi to your Hubby & MIL and peace to you & your son.
take care

[imadumbgirl]

i m sorry i'hv nt noticed this thrd earlier.

now listen, DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. if u do it, u'll regret later for sure.
u cnt spend rest of ur life jst being som1's mom or som1's wife or DIL. u hv ur own life, which needs a space.and ur job is the only space u hv as i cn see.
u r ARUMITA there, nt not som1's wife, or mom or daughter.plz do not lose it.


as raj hs adviced, try to get a maid who will do ur work for u at home. make it very clear to ur family members dat u r nt going to quit ur job under any condition & be firm on it.
atleast pretend to be firm for a while...

try to convince ur hubby n get his supprt. tell him dat u were there wen he needed ur help, now u r expecting him to be on ur side.

be strong & keep faith on urself... everything will be fine...

[ignoramusenator]

i think you gota involve your parents or some close family members and open talks with your husband and mother. if important to have a balance between your job and your family. both may face issues in future so its important both you keep their jobs as contingency. your prime target shall be your husband, and he should be able to support you on any circumstance, if he dont, make him understand it. like roseboy said, hiring a maid is a good option too. you can list out options through a third party as the matter is gone worse as they are threatening you now. i hope you do well aru ji, you deserve a great life so do your son, he deserves both yours and your husbands love and care.

[a_decent_1]

hello Mam and all my friends here
you all are doing a very good job here so today i want your help in some serious matter , pl friends help me to get out of this situation ,as i am loosing it already .

As you all know that i am married , working and also have a son you also know about my Mother-in-lawand her activities , these days she is creating drama in home to pressurise me for leaving my job which i dnt want , i was not in mood to continue my job after my marriage but as my hubby did not had any job at that time i keep on doing it inspite of regular back biting of my mil, and now when my hubby has got the job and start getting salary she wants me to be in home , today she just shout so much on me and my hubby also supports her and i am not shocked because i know his mother has great influence on him .

Mam she wants me to be in home for four days as i am working in a pvt company and festival season is going on it is tough for me to get leave for so many days and i know if i remain in home she will do every thing to make my life hell but if i do not apply for leave today they are thinking of sending me to my parents home which i dnt want , should i apply for leave , also i am thinking of leaving my job at the end of this financial year.

pl help me .

Oh come on Sister, you're better than this.

Don't even THINK of leaving the job. If you do so, you'd be giving in to them. It would only make them pressurize you more in future. Remember, you have a say ONLY till you have a job. Once you lose that, you have nowhere to go, you're not even independent.

What exactly is the problem with your in-laws..? Why do they want you to leave your Job..? There has to be a good reason. House hold work cannot be a good reason at all. You can hire a maid for that.

If your husband does not support you, you need to involve your parents into this matter. For God's sake, there is a limit to the social backwardness.. !! How sure are you that your husband won't lose his job in future..?

G'day

[adirocksit]

Hi aru jee......

I see here the immediate demand of your MIL is to get the holidays for Diwali.......and the long-term demand is for you to leave the job....
I believe you should try to solve the immediate problem first , you could try to ask for leave from your company at least for the festival......Try real hard to explain them why is it important for you to take the leave.....and just hope for the best.

Like others here, I would also NOT recommend for you to leave your job. Coz Once you leave your job, your MIL will have the upperhand and she will be more dominating. These kind of MILs are all over India. They would never ever listen to you and will always find a way to dominate you. I don't wanna scare your more but the truth is, whatever step you'll take to make things go in your favor, your MIL will taunt you everytime.
For example, if you bring a maid then she would taunt like "whats the point of my son bringing a wife if we have to hire a maid?".....
If you bring your parents in this matter, she would taunt them also like "What kind of daughter you have?" etc.....

Basically, why this happens is because all her life she had to listen to her husband (your father-in-law) and serve him and her son....now all she wants is to throw all that frustration to a person who would take it without complaints...

What makes it worse is the fact your hubby is supporting her mom more than you....and if he supports you, she might do some more emotional drama.

Now the solution......
1) You could either just sacrifice your job and listen to what she is demanding...
OR
2) I'll use nandini's point here, that tell your hubby to help you and favor you in your decision of continuing with the job. And most importantly, tell him that when he didnt had a job, you helped him by working. So its time for him to return the favor, coz thats what husbands do.
Also, try to Bribe your MIL .....buy her gifts or something in festival time or special Occasions.....You are living with her for many years, there must be something other than you leaving the job, that would make her happy....think about it. Give her a "Replacement" happiness which would keep her less frustrated.

The less frustrated she is, the lesser she would care about what you do and what you not.

Dont worry, everything will be fine...just relax

[imadumbgirl]

Hi aru jee......

I see here the immediate demand of your MIL is to get the holidays for Diwali.......and the long-term demand is for you to leave the job....
I believe you should try to solve the immediate problem first , you could try to ask for leave from your company at least for the festival......Try real hard to explain them why is it important for you to take the leave.....and just hope for the best.

Like others here, I would also NOT recommend for you to leave your job. Coz Once you leave your job, your MIL will have the upperhand and she will be more dominating. These kind of MILs are all over India. They would never ever listen to you and will always find a way to dominate you. I don't wanna scare your more but the truth is, whatever step you'll take to make things go in your favor, your MIL will taunt you everytime.
For example, if you bring a maid then she would taunt like "whats the point of my son bringing a wife if we have to hire a maid?".....
If you bring your parents in this matter, she would taunt them also like "What kind of daughter you have?" etc.....

Basically, why this happens is because all her life she had to listen to her husband (your father-in-law) and serve him and her son....now all she wants is to throw all that frustration to a person who would take it without complaints...

What makes it worse is the fact your hubby is supporting her mom more than you....and if he supports you, she might do some more emotional drama.

Now the solution......
1) You could either just sacrifice your job and listen to what she is demanding...
OR
2) I'll use nandini's point here, that tell your hubby to help you and favor you in your decision of continuing with the job. And most importantly, tell him that when he didnt had a job, you helped him by working. So its time for him to return the favor, coz thats what husbands do.
Also, try to Bribe your MIL .....buy her gifts or something in festival time or special Occasions.....You are living with her for many years, there must be something other than you leaving the job, that would make her happy....think about it. Give her a "Replacement" happiness which would keep her less frustrated.

The less frustrated she is, the lesser she would care about what you do and what you not.

Dont worry, everything will be fine...just relax

bribing MIL wud be a good idea... i hv seen my sis doing this many times... it works...

[adirocksit]

bribing MIL wud be a good idea... i hv seen my sis doing this many times... it works...

ya bribing always works with women ....whether its mom, MIL, friend, girlfriend, wife

[DesiCasanova]

Just try having a heart to heart talk with your hubby and explain him the real reason behind the job. This job of urs is a backup for ur hubby in adverse conditions.
As iggy has said first convince ur hobby and then ur MIL. Hope ur okay and best wishes aru ....take care

[sens]

OMG... welcome all my friends to AA... each one of u have adviced so well.... plz help all users dear friends... i wanted to quote all of u after reading each reply...

@ aru siso:

i was in same situation as urs... infact my condition for marriage was to leave job & stay at home... i was anyways unwilling for marriage itself... i never wanted to marry... but did for my parents. & same way left job for parents.. i had my own reason.

like each of my friend here from sbf... my mom from her death bed said same thing to me... each time i read the sentence i remembered my mom's words.. "DONT LEAVE JOB"...

is easy to say... but inlaws pressure & family life is what, bas jispe beeti hai usko maloom...

bu yeah dont give up... try to follow everyone's advice & try to escape leaving job...
try to explain & dont leave job.

BUT if nothing works... see the benefits of staying at home..
dekho siso... inlaws prob.. this prob that prob.. i have been thro' many probs.. only solution to all probs is :

* try to change what u can

* & if its impossible to change... accept what is in store for u..

yah BUT while accepting, dont accept sadly... see the benefits & positive of it... & be happy..

in your case the positive sides are , u can be more time with ur son, u can get good rest at home... & others u can think of urself..

whenever u are sad sis think of good things , think of the blessings u have..

************************************************** ****

@adi & nandini: @bribing: people all women can be bribed, but not MILs... aap logon ka paala MIL se nahi pada hai ji.. so u feel its easy..

[adirocksit]

OMG... welcome all my friends to AA... each one of u have adviced so well.... plz help all users dear friends... i wanted to quote all of u after reading each reply...

@ aru siso:

i was in same situation as urs... infact my condition for marriage was to leave job & stay at home... i was anyways unwilling for marriage itself... i never wanted to marry... but did for my parents. & same way left job for parents.. i had my own reason.

like each of my friend here from sbf... my mom from her death bed said same thing to me... each time i read the sentence i remembered my mom's words.. "DONT LEAVE JOB"...

is easy to say... but inlaws pressure & family life is what, bas jispe beeti hai usko maloom...

bu yeah dont give up... try to follow everyone's advice & try to escape leaving job...
try to explain & dont leave job.

BUT if nothing works... see the benefits of staying at home..
dekho siso... inlaws prob.. this prob that prob.. i have been thro' many probs.. only solution to all probs is :

* try to change what u can

* & if its impossible to change... accept what is in store for u..

yah BUT while accepting, dont accept sadly... see the benefits & positive of it... & be happy..

in your case the positive sides are , u can be more time with ur son, u can get good rest at home... & others u can think of urself..

whenever u are sad sis think of good things , think of the blessings u have..

************************************************** ****

@adi & nandini: @bribing: people all women can be bribed, but not MILs... aap logon ka paala MIL se nahi pada hai ji.. so u feel its easy..

maybe bribing wont work, but I dont see any harm in trying.......she is backbiting anyway

iss logic ke hisab se to husband should sit at home, he can spent more time with kids and can get good rest,etc. (just talking in general)......why always women has to adjust and accept everything the family wants ?

This thinking has to change some day.....

[arumita]

HI siso,

first of all let me give u feel good hugs..........

siso i understand all these problems very well..sometimes these old people are not willing to change their mentality... & support of their son encourages them to carry on...

if men were sensible enough to know whats right & whats not.. & stop their mothers frm doing wrong ,they will definitely stop.. but i donno why these men feel that they should support mom even if his mother is wrong..

i m sailing in same boat..

i know how it hurts to leave job & be at home.. esp i understand ur fear of facing ur MIL everyday & new tortures u may have to bear.

even i had to leave my job after marriage.. & for four years i ahve led a life like a beggar ..like a parasite.. like a football..


having financial independence to some extent is security dear siso.. have u saved enough money???


sis, as long u quietly =bear all this they will continue torturing u in every different way... & if u fight situation will get worst...


all u do as of now is talk to ur hubby.. tell him u are ready to leave job for his sake..BUT he has to pay u some amount of pocket money.. or deposit some money in ur bank..


if he is reday to do that.. u are ready to leave job..

[well i know yeh sab easy to write baatein hain.... even i had no guts to ask for it... the prob is i feel... our education.. our lessons we learnt all life to be slef reliant.. it is easy for uneducated woman to demand things from hubby... not US]..

siso see the brither side of leaving job---

* u can spend more time with son..
* u will get rest at home

see anyways ur MIL hasnt stopped torturing u even though u are working. even u stay at home she will play her games... but ignore..
& second point is-- even though u used to work u had to do house work also...

now u get to do only house work..

siso being at home initially will drive u crazy... but eventually u will realise how much ur body was tired waking up early getting ready... going out in cold... facing the stupid eve teasers..come back home & again work... on the days u ahve off bear with MIL tortures...

atleast now all tat tension is not there...

all u ahve to do is very smartly just find a way of being happy at home... sis... in ur last income or PF.. get yourself laptop...

& concentrate on son... infact in thi age son also needs u....
see ur happiness in his happiness... forget the negativities... concentrate on good things in life...


think about the positive reasons ....

all the best sis...


believe me sis , even now when i think of MIL & sil my heart aches...


yesterday i was thinking about past... & all night i had nerve wrecking headache.. & i vomitted... it easy to say... but hard to forget & ignore...
BUT TRY>>>>

for ur good.. for good of ur son.. for ur husband...

JUST be BRAVE... & smile ...

hi sensii thx for ur advice and so much love , i cant leave the job as this is the things my Mil wants she wants me to become a beggar for money , as she was continuously saying that she wants me to beg money , My brother is yet to get married and he is my younger bro and like any other sis i want many things for his marriage if i leave the job i will not be able to fulfil my dreams .