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Thread: Husband giving me major grief

  1. #1
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    Default Husband giving me major grief

    Ours was a whirlwind affair and we got married within 6 months of meeting each other. Now we have a child born within a year of our wedding.
    My prob is: I really didnt get to know much about him before our marriage> there were some things about his background which I came to know only after a few months after we were married. By then, I was pregnant and let things be. Things have gotten worse. He has this habit of screaming at me using really abusive words. I was earlier shocked when I heard those words, now the words make me go mad with anger. He uses an extremely derogatory tone when he talks to me and his choice of words dont help. I used to think that only people from the slums speak like that. He refuses to change this and says that this is his tone and I have to live with that.
    We have had a couple of major fights in the last few years, twice he walked off only to come back after a couple of hours. There are times, I want to kill myself, or divorce him but the thought of my small innocent child stops me.
    I am an eduacted woman holding a senior position in an mnc. I really dont have to take this nonsense from him. My entire family hates him and they(especially my mother) minces no words to put him down. I always end up fighting with them over him. And yet, after that he says" how can they talk to me like that? I am their damaat" and you just sat there doing nothing".
    My mother thinks he got married to me for my money( I earn 3 times his salary) since he comes from a very poor family. I overlooked all that because I was in love with him. I still love him but at times its very difficult especially when he talks to be in a very abusive tone.
    Especailly when his family comes over, life is hell for me, they wont lift a finger and I am expected to wait on them hand on foot, after 11 hours of night shiift. Every time his mother comes over , he and I end up having a fight, she keeps feeding him some thoughts and the moral of the story is that I have failed to do so many things.
    As it is, my daily life revolves around doing household chores, ironing his clothes, ensuring that I have a fresh towel handed over to him after his bath, cooking, serving him food, looking after my baby all these in addition to going to work.
    The beginning of this year his mother had come to stay with us, and I was then 5 weeks pregnant. There was so much of drama at home, lots of work, no rest, stress, tension , that I ended up having a miscarriage after 2 weeks.
    I took up a job recently after a break of 7 months because, during some of our fights when I was not working, he said " I cannot look after you and your baby, go ask your mother or brother for money for your food, else get a job" looks through my phone, my messages, keeps a tab on my bank account, questions me where I have spent the money. But if I so much as to even happen to ask him about his, his answer his that its none of my business and he can do whatever he wants to do with his money.
    I dont know where to start my woes... i dont know how to end it too... i really need to speak to someone about my problem, but I have no one to talk to-- my family is out of the question. Coz I know what my mother's response will be "divorce him". I am so sad and lonely most of the time. I dont know what to do.

  2. #2
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    I'm quite interested to know why exactly you are sticking on and taking this nonsense from a person who is quite obviously not worthy of being a husband? is it because you think
    -he will turn over a new leaf? (he won't).
    -That he will understand you and start respecting you (Unlikely- though miracles are known to happen)
    -That you like being in a position of suffering (possible)
    - That you thing committing suicide is a better option than taking this head on (You can answer that)
    Look, take a break from the man. I'm not saying divorce him, but take a break for a few months- a year- and see how things work after that. There is no point in living in a potentially explosive situation, driving yourself (and most likely, your daughter), crazy. Take a break and distance yourself to think things through. You will hav eto make that effort. No one will do it for you.

  3. #3
    SB Addict archer_paradise's Avatar
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    Since you have so many troubles with the man (you thought you knew and loved), you should divorce him. Life is toooo long. Too long. Since you earn well and hold a respectable position in your professional life, I do not think that you come from the mindset that a father less child or a child coming from a broken home will not grow up to be a stable person.

    As a matter of fact, a child that experiences such issues in the family and strains in the relationships grow up with their own issues. The ball is in your court.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Ours was a whirlwind affair and we got married within 6 months of meeting each other. Now we have a child born within a year of our wedding.
    My prob is: I really didnt get to know much about him before our marriage> there were some things about his background which I came to know only after a few months after we were married. By then, I was pregnant and let things be. Things have gotten worse. He has this habit of screaming at me using really abusive words. I was earlier shocked when I heard those words, now the words make me go mad with anger. He uses an extremely derogatory tone when he talks to me and his choice of words dont help. I used to think that only people from the slums speak like that. He refuses to change this and says that this is his tone and I have to live with that.
    We have had a couple of major fights in the last few years, twice he walked off only to come back after a couple of hours. There are times, I want to kill myself, or divorce him but the thought of my small innocent child stops me.
    I am an eduacted woman holding a senior position in an mnc. I really dont have to take this nonsense from him. My entire family hates him and they(especially my mother) minces no words to put him down. I always end up fighting with them over him. And yet, after that he says" how can they talk to me like that? I am their damaat" and you just sat there doing nothing".
    My mother thinks he got married to me for my money( I earn 3 times his salary) since he comes from a very poor family. I overlooked all that because
    I was in love with him. I still love him but at times its very difficult especially when he talks to be in a very abusive tone.
    Especailly when his family comes over, life is hell for me, they wont lift a finger and I am expected to wait on them hand on foot, after 11 hours of night shiift. Every time his mother comes over , he and I end up having a fight, she keeps feeding him some thoughts and the moral of the story is that I have failed to do so many things.
    As it is, my daily life revolves around doing household chores, ironing his clothes, ensuring that I have a fresh towel handed over to him after his bath, cooking, serving him food, looking after my baby all these in addition to going to work.
    The beginning of this year his mother had come to stay with us, and I was then 5 weeks pregnant. There was so much of drama at home, lots of work, no rest, stress, tension , that I ended up having a miscarriage after 2 weeks.
    I took up a job recently after a break of 7 months because, during some of our fights when I was not working, he said " I cannot look after you and your baby, go ask your mother or brother for money for your food, else get a job" looks through my phone, my messages, keeps a tab on my bank account, questions me where I have spent the money. But if I so much as to even happen to ask him about his, his answer his that its none of my business and he can do whatever he wants to do with his money.
    I dont know where to start my woes... i dont know how to end it too... i really need to speak to someone about my problem, but I have no one to talk to-- my family is out of the question. Coz I know what my mother's response will be "divorce him". I am so sad and lonely most of the time. I dont know what to do.

    Looking at the text above you would have made out by now, when there is love, everything looks small !

    Love can do wonders.

    You should take him along with you, become one in faith, with each other, get to make him trust you, and let him know that he means the world to you. Men need to be loved to, made understood that they are loved so very much, many a time men do not find the right way to let out their truest emotions, anger being one, if he is letting out anger, its good, but the reason behind it is only for the wife to understand.

    Talk to him, make him speak, speak, and let him listen to what you have to say, dont tokify when he begins to speak.

    It's just time will get you an answer as to the happenings in your life.

    Remember "it takes two to tango"

  5. #5
    New Born Beautiful_Mermaid's Avatar
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    you know this man will never change in his life. because thats him. unfortunately if you cant leave him you will have to accept all these though i know its painful but have no choice to get rid of these other than leaving him

  6. #6
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    hi!!!

    reading ur query got teras to my eyes...


    okay!!!

    for fights between husband & u... just be patient... when one gets angry, if other spouse keeps his cool.. things can be much better...

    keep cool... & joke around .. take it easy... ask him what makes him angry... & tell him how much u hate his abuses & tone of talking...

    tell him u both have to give healthy atmosphere to ur kid.. & for thsi sake both of u ahve to work together to maintain peace & harmony at home.

    find out [dont ask him] if he is insecure or has cmplexes about u earning more... do not mention ur position or salary in front of him.. maybe thats hwy he behaves like that to show u he is boss...
    donot get angry at beginning of his anger.. jsut ignore or walk away...

    but whne he abuses or talks in bad tone, dont take it easy..


    DO NOT INVOLVE UR family in matters between ur husband & u... it is not ethical... whatever are ur differences u have to sort like elders .. unless of courseu want to leave him or situation is worst..


    every little happening of ur household neednt reach ur family & their intereferance has ruined ur situation even more.

    maybe ur husband is angry that u tell ur family everything & ur mother insults him..

    u both love eachother, what ur hubby means to u only u know... try putting urself in his shoes.. be loving him.. maybe he willl also be nice to u...


    & MIL trouble!!! gosh... i m sure it will sort out when u sort differences with ur husband..

    first u need to get your husband right on track, then worry about his mother.


    & be loving,gentle & have loads o patience,

    all the best
    Live amongst people in such a manner that if you die they weep over you and if you are alive they crave for your company.

  7. #7
    New Born ooye_hoye's Avatar
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    didnt see the domestic violence episode on SMJ? divorce that son of a gun an get on with life and yeah half of his property

  8. #8
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    Default divorce him

    roz roz marnay say acha h k ek hi din marr jao "divorce him"
    or hum itnay bhi haray hua nahi h k fir say jindgi na shuru kar sakay
    all the best

  9. #9
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    Leave this man immediately...you have every rite on your life and money to be happy...

    Right now you are thinking of your child to be in this marriage..but dear...this will ultimately harm the personality of your child when he will saw this nonsense each and every day...

  10. #10
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    Default Divorce

    please divorce him immediately and save your kid from growing up in this horrible environment, your kid will be thankful to you when he/she grows up but make sure that after divorce this man dosent come back into your kids life to poison his mind

  11. #11
    New Born madmaxunleashed's Avatar
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    Hi....gone through ur post and all the comments by other users.....what I think is little different!!
    I agree that where there is love, everything looks smaller.....thats OK, but the question is how long? Is there a guarantee that he will ever change? NO!! is there a guarantee that if u go for a divorce, that man will spend u so easily? or even if agrees for a divorce, what is the guarantee that he will not keep spoiling ur future days? And also, what about the guardianship of the child?
    OK, lets put it straight......get apart for some time, alongwith ur child.....say for a year or a half.......see if he understands his mistakes and flaws......see if he shows any intention to change himself.......let him beg to u to get u back......go back then only......otherwise not!! and if not, then u always have the choice of divorce open!!! but again, everyone deserves a second chance.......so try this!! I dont think staying separate would be a problem for u since u r financially strong!!!

  12. #12
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    Listen to me and listen very well, he is abusive and controling you need to take a decision that will be good gor you and your child. What makes you think that he will change if he has not done so evern after having a baby. Because of all the stress you lost your baby so I agree with preeto maam to take a break from that man and see how things work out I am sorry to say but the ******* does not deserve to have you. You are a good girl.

  13. #13
    The Avenger !! Lieutenant-Colonel murtazas's Avatar
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    Talak....talak....talak...& problem solved...
    Love for your country is part of your faith" Holy Prophet (S.A.W).

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