Too Close for Comfort?

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When it comes to couples, there are basically three types. First, there’s the codependent duo -- you know, the ones who can’t finish a sentence without talking about their other half, let alone go anywhere solo. Then there’s the opposite: Let’s call them the “Hello, Goodnight” couple, because that’s about all they share. These perplexing pairs are living completely separate lives, which makes you wonder, Is this just tosave on rent? And somewhere in between falls the semiautonomous twosomes. They might not be attached at the hip, but they’re sharing a lot more than a mortgage.



According to experts, it's surprisingly not just the latter who are normal and healthy. All three types can work. “What’s right for one couple could be disastrous for another,” says Bree Maresca-Kramer, mental-health counselor and author of It’s That Simple! A Woman’s Book on Relationships, Life, Ourselves and the Healing of It All. “As long as both partners are comfortable with the way they do things -- and there’s good communication and a close emotional bond -- almost any situation can work.” Still, there are some separations that can slowly chip away at your relationship. Read on to see what works and what takes it too far.

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The Separation: Holidays



Holidays are tricky, especially if your families don’t live in the same state. Splitting them up by doing the every- other-year thing or his family’s for Thanksgiving, then yours for Christmas usually winds up with someone feeling slighted. (Multiply that by five if you have stepparents). So it might just seem easier to go your separate ways for the holidays.
Is It Healthy?


Sharon Gilchrest O’Neill, EdS, LMFT, author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage, doesn’t think so. “Holidays are a family thing, and you’re family now,” she says, adding that “it’s important to integrate each other into your families’ traditions and establish that you two are now a package deal” (rather than allowing yourselves to get pulled into the holiday tug-of-war many families play). Otherwise you’ll miss out on the chance to create important memories and special traditions as a couple. Plus, it’s a good idea to establish your holiday boundaries before you add kids to the mix. Sure, logistics and family pressure (or a desire to play in the Smith Family Turkey Bowl) may mean that spending every single holiday together isn’t ideal. So work out a plan in advance and get creative if need be. If Hanukkah with his family means skiing in Aspen (sweet!) but your parents live in Iowa (not so sweet in winter), celebrate with your folks another weekend. And, of course, you could always start hosting the holidays at your place. That way, each family gets their holiday time, and you get to be with your partner in crime for all of them.

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The Separation: Money

Money matters rank up there with the holidays when it comes to thorny couple issues. While some duos figure as long as they’re sharing bills, it makes sense to merge their moola as well, you prefer to keep your bank balance and credit card statements to yourself (and let your other half do the same). Money can get messy, so why even go there?



Is It Healthy?
If the words “joint account” aren’t even in your vocabulary, it could spell trouble for your relationship. Maresca-Kramer says that keeping your finances separate can lead to friction and distance, since it essentially amounts to splitting a shared life into “yours” and “mine,” which can cause resentment if there’s not clear communication about who should pay for what. When you approach money matters as a team that’s building a future together, you’ll be more likely to reach your shared financial goals -- whether that’s paying down debt or building a nest egg -- sans the fights over who’s handling the electric bill. Adds O’Neill: “The most important thing is that all money issues are up-front and on the table.” Translation: If you’ve got a secret account, it’s time to come clean. O’Neill suggests having a joint checking account for your shared expenses (like mortgage payments, cable, etc.) and a joint savings account for your shared goals. Maintain individual accounts for personal purchases if you want -- just don’t be sneaky about it!

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he Separation: Vacations

Your idea of the perfect getaway (beach, sun, book) looks nothing like your mate’s (slopes, snow, skis). Rather than wasting your time off stuck in ski school or trying to entertain your partner at the beach, you’re thinking about taking your next trip apart. It’s not like you’re drowning in vacation days, so you want to make sure you enjoy the ones you’ve got.



Is It Healthy?
Well, yes -- as long as you get away with your significant other at least once or twice a year too, says O’Neill. Spending a few days apart could add some spark back into your relationship and make you realize how much you love having your other half around. So go ahead and take a trip apart, but plan at least one long weekend away with your partner too. “Vacationing as a couple gives you a unique chunk of downtime that every relationship needs,” says O’Neill. “At home, you’re in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. A getaway gives you the time to focus on each other and spend intimate time together without the normal life distractions.” Plus, traveling allows you to experience new things together, and that will only strengthen your bond.

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The Separation: Different Beds

You love your mate -- but not as a bedmate. Even earplugs can’t drown out those snores. Bottom line: You’re at the point where you’d trade your partner in for a decent night’s sleep, and you’re starting to think that bunking up in the guest room is the only solution. But wouldn’t that be...weird?



Is It Healthy?
It’s definitely not weird, considering that nearly one in every four married couples sleep in different beds. But O’Neill warns that sleeping apart regularly can lead to decreased emotional and physical intimacy. So before you order your own Tempur-Pedic, first try to figure out a way to sleep together, whether that meansinvesting in industrial-strength earplugs or buying a bigger bed. “Given how busy we are, this ritual of lying in bed together is important,” O’Neill stresses. Ever heard of pillow talk? Yeah, you won’t be doing much of that if your pillows aren’t touching. Speaking of touching, there won’t be a whole lot of that either if you don’t make a special effort to do some cuddling and, ahem, lovemaking before you depart to your individual quarters for the night. So if you can’t figure out a way to sleep together, says Maresca-Kramer, be sure to find a way to maintain a daily, intimate connection, like scheduling daily snuggle time.

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The Separation: Living Apart

The plan was to share a pad from now on (that’s why you love The Nest, right?). But you also didn’t plan on being offered your dream job halfway across the country from your mate’s dream job. You don’t want to give up the career opportunity you’ve been busting your butt for, nor do you want to ask your partner to do the same, so you’re considering doing the long-distance thing -- at least until you can figure out something better.



Is It Healthy?
Living apart when you’re in a serious relationship is tricky, but it’s not impossible, and as a short- term plan it doesn’t have to be bad for your relationship. Just make sure you both agree that for right now, anyway, your careers (or whatever the reason) take precedence over residing under the same roof. Agreed? Good. Now keep in mind that having different ZIP codes won’t be easy. “Living in different places can be hard on a relationship,” says O’Neill. “A strong relationship is formed by going through the ups and downs of daily life -- the continuous interaction creates a team approach, which then feeds the relationship when times get tough.” Decide from the get-go how long you’ll do the long-distance thing -- so at least there will be light at the end of the tunnel. Then, while you are apart, set specific times to speak every day so you don’t miss out on the trivial but still important conversations about how your day went, why your boss ****s or what you thought of last night’s episode of Mad Men. Above all, make sure you schedule regular trips back and forth so that you do get the essential face- to-face time too -- Skype sex can only tide you over for so long.

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With all due respect, is it posted in a correct forum? I thought this forum (Agony Aunt) is for sharing your problems and asking people for suggestions and ideas etc. about your problems. I am a newbie and I might be wrong.

[galaxy_resident]

With all due respect, is it posted in a correct forum? I thought this forum (Agony Aunt) is for sharing your problems and asking people for suggestions and ideas etc. about your problems. I am a newbie and I might be wrong.

Its not a place about people's problems only....anybody can share anything which can help the people in general. You can also share any article or finding which can help the viewers of this section.