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Thread: GF ignores emotional needs

  1. #1
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    Default GF ignores emotional needs

    I am in a relationship with a girl for past 2 years.
    we are around 26 years old. It is her first relationship.
    She is good looking and all boys eye for her. I too fell for looks and proposed her 2 years ago.
    She said yes, and since then we are together.


    But she is completely averse to my emotional needs.
    -She doesnt let me speak. Doesnt agree to anything i say and argues on everything.
    She keeps bloating about her own self and her daily activities without being much interested to whats happening to me. If i ever say that why you speak so much, she shouts and says you have changed a lot.
    - I have always loved and cared for her. But she ignores my needs very much. She never bothers if I am having proper food or sleep or not, though in last 2 years I have cared about her diet every single day. When I tell her about such things, she fights back and says that I demand too much.
    - She is averse to my fantasies. I was a romantic kind of guy and very often told her that some day I want to taste something prepared from her hands. In last two years she has never made anything for me. This also becomes a issue of fight between us. I think is she truely loved me she can atleast sometime try to do what pleases me the most. But she doesnt much bothers about my wishes and says I am a patriarchal male etc etc.
    - On her advised, I underwent drastic changes in my appearance, which were very costly and time consuming to maintain . But she is very reluctant to do anything which i want from her.
    - Only good thing, is that she is very good while we come close physically. at that time she cuddles me a lot, treats me like her teddy bear, and sleeps on my lap or chest like a baby.
    - Once there was an issue, on which she was so angry that she started slapping and beating me, but since I am physically much stronger, she could nt inflict much harm even though i remained inactive.
    - If we fight, I speak for 2 mins, she speaks for 8 mins. Recently we had a fight, I was very much affected by her bad behaviour so I deliberately but precociously hit her ( soft slap) but only once just to show how bad it feels after fighting. She jumped back she kept hitting me back for 10-15 mins.
    Even though she was fighting for most of the time, she scratched my hands with her nails, She dug nails through my body in revenge. I could have easily stopped or hit her back, but i didnt as i love her very much. Even though I said sorry a million times the same night, she had her tantrums the next day also. The next day, She compared me with Salmaan Khan and said such harsh things like you are not fit for any girl or for any relationship with anyone.
    nails imprint.jpg
    - She speaks very foul when in bad mood and doesn't realize how bad her thoughts and words are.
    - But She is very submissive before the rest of world. She never fights with anyone else, but infront of me she is a tigress.
    The whole world thinks that there can never be a girl as soft hearted as her.

    I often decided about leaving this relationship. But everytime I see her face or our pics or think about her and our past, I change my decision. I am afraid If after marriage i will be subjected to such mental violence all my life. But I love her very much and I am very much attached to her. i can neither remain with her nor go away from her. I am also worried, in case she married someone else, if another man will properly take her care or not and what if other man isnt so patient with her. At that time she will be in a very pathetic condition. This thought makes me continue loving her again and again in spite of so many fights.

    Please help me. I have very important exams of my life few weeks from now and every day lot of time is wasted in fights. I am not able to concentrate on anything. In depression, I just had the first alcohol of my life, sometimes I even want this life to continue no more...

  2. #2
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Now listen, this alchohol and depression is just not going to do! You really have to get a hold of yourself and get things in their proper perspective. See, if the relationship is one sided or its turning violent, then these are red flags to watch out for, and its better to take a chill pill rather than getting into the same old, destructive emotional situation again and again. I would suggest to you that you tell her that you need some peace till the exams are over. Put all this stuff on hold- and after that, you can examine what you really want to do about it.
    A little breathing space and concentration on study will also give you a clearer perspective on which way you are headed. The only one thing I do want to tell you is that we cannot be guilty for another adult person's bad behaviour, so if she lands herself in trouble with her anger, she will really have to deal with it herself.

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    radiant light ! Captain ariesgirl's Avatar
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    you seem to be really a sweet guy and i don't understand what's wrong with this girl..why do girls make guys say sorry for their own mistakes?if you do all these things at her,it would have ended up as a big issue..i admire your patience..i understand that you love her..but i doubt if she does it..if she loves you,how could she do all these things to you?i feel like she isn't the one for you..talking too much without listening to you is really painful..and your needs were all genuine ones..like to eat food prepared by her..i don't know if i sound rude..but i need to tell that you guys are not made for each other..abusive language,physical torture,neglecting your needs are all just too much..and the way she says that you've changed a lot is totally weird..don't stay so soft..just tell her that all these things does hurt you..esp physical torture..there's nothing wrong even if you shout..just stay away from her for a while..if she realizes her mistake and comes back to you and behaves like a normal person,then accept her..if she is still the abusing,wild girl,pls don't waste your life with her..you really deserve someone who loves you truly and does every little thing to make you happy..you can't even think of living a happy life with her..if she is still the same,leavin her would only do good...you'll surely get someone who truly loves you..

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    SB Addict Inspector Pathan's Avatar
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    what you have written here tell her if she agrees to change herself fine otherwise move on....you will find some one else...

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    Young Gun visio1's Avatar
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    I will give you a single bullet point

    - Break up with her!

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    GO SPURS GO! Brigadier General galaxy_resident's Avatar
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    Firstly, dont change for her. If she truly loves you, she will have to accept you for what you are. Secondly, dont waste your time and energy on arguments with her when you should be using that time to study for your exams. Shut her from your life temporarily if she irks you daily; dont meet her and dont talk to her. Moreover, hitting you and acting violently is not acceptable. After your exams are over, you will need to think about this relationship again. If you continue with this girl, you are only one who will suffer.
    Fight your Fears and you will be in Battle Forever
    Control your Fears and you will be Free Forever



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    Quote Originally Posted by Preeto Maam View Post
    Now listen, this alchohol and depression is just not going to do! You really have to get a hold of yourself and get things in their proper perspective. See, if the relationship is one sided or its turning violent, then these are red flags to watch out for, and its better to take a chill pill rather than getting into the same old, destructive emotional situation again and again. I would suggest to you that you tell her that you need some peace till the exams are over. Put all this stuff on hold- and after that, you can examine what you really want to do about it.
    A little breathing space and concentration on study will also give you a clearer perspective on which way you are headed. The only one thing I do want to tell you is that we cannot be guilty for another adult person's bad behaviour, so if she lands herself in trouble with her anger, she will really have to deal with it herself.
    Quote Originally Posted by galaxy_resident View Post
    Firstly, dont change for her. If she truly loves you, she will have to accept you for what you are. Secondly, dont waste your time and energy on arguments with her when you should be using that time to study for your exams. Shut her from your life temporarily if she irks you daily; dont meet her and dont talk to her. Moreover, hitting you and acting violently is not acceptable. After your exams are over, you will need to think about this relationship again. If you continue with this girl, you are only one who will suffer.
    Thanks a Lot Preeto Mam and galaxy_resident .. I will follow up on your advice.. I will try to distance for a few days, atleast till the exams are over.. Also, i will not try the alcohol thing again..

    Quote Originally Posted by visio1 View Post
    I will give you a single bullet point

    - Break up with her!
    Quote Originally Posted by Inspector Pathan View Post
    what you have written here tell her if she agrees to change herself fine otherwise move on....you will find some one else...
    Pathan .. and Visio.. thanks for it but you know it is really very tough at the moment to think about beaking off with her..

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    Quote Originally Posted by ariesgirl View Post
    you seem to be really a sweet guy and i don't understand what's wrong with this girl..why do girls make guys say sorry for their own mistakes?if you do all these things at her,it would have ended up as a big issue..i admire your patience..i understand that you love her..but i doubt if she does it..if she loves you,how could she do all these things to you?i feel like she isn't the one for you..talking too much without listening to you is really painful..and your needs were all genuine ones..like to eat food prepared by her..i don't know if i sound rude..but i need to tell that you guys are not made for each other..abusive language,physical torture,neglecting your needs are all just too much..and the way she says that you've changed a lot is totally weird..don't stay so soft..just tell her that all these things does hurt you..esp physical torture..there's nothing wrong even if you shout..just stay away from her for a while..if she realizes her mistake and comes back to you and behaves like a normal person,then accept her..if she is still the abusing,wild girl,pls don't waste your life with her..you really deserve someone who loves you truly and does every little thing to make you happy..you can't even think of living a happy life with her..if she is still the same,leavin her would only do good...you'll surely get someone who truly loves you..

    Ariesgirl.. Thanks for your words.. I might have been one sided yesterday while writing about her.. There are certain things also she do which confuse me and make me believe that she loves me.. like 1) Recently, she has started wearing dresses of my choice and decorating herself, before meeting me, so that I like her more. 2) When I have fought with her, she sometimes walks down half a mile to reach my home and be with me 3) When happy, She cuddles and treats me like a baby and is physically very comfortable with me. 4) Lastly, she is loyal.. to the extent that she has always turned down any offers which came her way..

    But the things which bog me down still are the same-
    For most of the hours of a day, She is averse to my emotional needs. She forgets that I am not a robot. We again had a fight today, started by her. She was saying several bad things about me, my future and my upcoming exams which were really disturbing me. I asked her to stop, she didnt and stated there is nothing to feel wrong in it. When my all efforts failed, i picked up one of her sentences, modified it, and fired it with respect to one of her own family members to show that it does feel bad hearing such words. She was instantly shouting, burst into tears, cursed me and my 2 of family members in revenge, and we wasted thus another 2-3 hours. It took a mammoth task from me to convince her that I am neither a bad soul, nor want anything wrong to happen with her or her family members, was trying to save me from her negative predictions.

    I thus feel an emotional disconnect, as if I have a lot , a lot to say and there is no one to hear. Even when she is close, breathing into my nose, I feel a great vacuum and void. She can hug and kiss me but neither admit, nor feel, that she could ever have been on the wrong side. In her dictionary, She has always been right, and I have always been wrong.
    Lastly, I remain attached to her. She is sleeping by my side, I still feel love for her and want some miracle to happen where she understands that I am not a wicked soul, but just want love and affection apart from those physical moments.. If destiny calls for, I dont know how I would ever be able to say to her that she may really have to live without me.

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    Quote Originally Posted by MissingLove View Post

    Ariesgirl.. Thanks for your words.. I might have been one sided yesterday while writing about her.. There are certain things also she do which confuse me and make me believe that she loves me.. like 1) Recently, she has started wearing dresses of my choice and decorating herself, before meeting me, so that I like her more. 2) When I have fought with her, she sometimes walks down half a mile to reach my home and be with me 3) When happy, She cuddles and treats me like a baby and is physically very comfortable with me. 4) Lastly, she is loyal.. to the extent that she has always turned down any offers which came her way..

    But the things which bog me down still are the same-
    For most of the hours of a day, She is averse to my emotional needs. She forgets that I am not a robot. We again had a fight today, started by her. She was saying several bad things about me, my future and my upcoming exams which were really disturbing me. I asked her to stop, she didnt and stated there is nothing to feel wrong in it. When my all efforts failed, i picked up one of her sentences, modified it, and fired it with respect to one of her own family members to show that it does feel bad hearing such words. She was instantly shouting, burst into tears, cursed me and my 2 of family members in revenge, and we wasted thus another 2-3 hours. It took a mammoth task from me to convince her that I am neither a bad soul, nor want anything wrong to happen with her or her family members, was trying to save me from her negative predictions.

    I thus feel an emotional disconnect, as if I have a lot , a lot to say and there is no one to hear. Even when she is close, breathing into my nose, I feel a great vacuum and void. She can hug and kiss me but neither admit, nor feel, that she could ever have been on the wrong side. In her dictionary, She has always been right, and I have always been wrong.
    Lastly, I remain attached to her. She is sleeping by my side, I still feel love for her and want some miracle to happen where she understands that I am not a wicked soul, but just want love and affection apart from those physical moments.. If destiny calls for, I dont know how I would ever be able to say to her that she may really have to live without me.
    I must say, a girl who is not able to understand a guy like you; who is so clear about his needs, requirements and thoughts; I believe there is some sort of intelligence missing in her. Did you check her emotional IQ? Don't even try, you may feel devastated. The things you explained says clearly about her, her emotional quotient is almost zero and she is very impulsive in her decisions. Though you feel that she is very loyal to you; but the state of mind you have explained about her, is clearly something which is completely unpredictable. Its because of you and your nature, this relationship is working, try changing your ways just like her, I know its hard for you to behave exactly like her; but man there is no choice. You can call this Nautanki, but thats the need of the hour. You have to check is she able to take all the things which she makes you face. If she can, then probably you can further think about this relationship otherwise, trust me man; its not possible to live with a girl like this. I am sorry, I know you love her alot but I believe you will love somebody much more than this, who could understand you little more. I wish you luck, don't give up now, just see if she can take what she gives.

    Take care of your hands man.. You have to write the exams also!

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    Why are you behaving like a typical hubby even before marriage?
    To me, she's behaving like a rude, self centered wife.. haha. Wife is always right, wife only stops talking when you kiss her lips, wife can physically abuse, but hubby can't even slap gently (that will get converted into a police case may be), hubby has to say sorry for wife's mistake, wife will cook only if there's no way of obtaining food blah blah blah! All I can suggest is -
    1. Dude, man up. You gotta wear the pants in this relationship. If she can't listen to you, start ignoring her. Open your heart to your friends, siblings, parents. Spend more time with them, either on phone or meeting them. When she knows about it, she might be jealous, that you're giving more importance to other people in life, and may behave the way you want to, in order to get your attention/love.
    2. Stop being needy - if you don't, you will see your self-esteem and confidence at very low levels in some time.
    3. You love her so much, and you say she loves you as well. So don't even think of breaking up. Falling in love again is not really easy, and you'll loose all the innocence.
    4. Turn a deaf ear to her when she's speaking and you're looking for peace. All hubbies practice this. Keep a hope she will slowly understand.
    5. A short term solution is to detach yourself from her emotionally, and focus on your exams. Do well. Train your mind to not think about her, keep repeating this words to yourself - "I love XXX (her name) a lot, and I will make this relationship work out for both of us, but I need to focus on my exams too". This will keep you focussed on what you need from life.

    Good Luck bro. Don't be a hubby, be a man! Haha

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    SB Guru Major sonig's Avatar
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    U love her and thts why u r ignoring her tantrums bt evn uknow tht she is misbehaving then why u r suffering her tantrums on the name oflove? Love doesnít means hurt and the person who is hurting u not once bt again and again then its you who have to stop tht person.dont suffer her tantrums for the sake of love coz its not rite.talk to her once try to solve all this differences and tell her tht u wont tolerate her behave coz in a relationship respect is an important quotient and if she cant respect u and the relationship then u wont be into this relationship.
    Love is fine at its place bt to suffer arrogance is nt rite be firm on your stand tht u wont tolerate nonsense thatís it.
    Every time I hear your voice, I hear another reason to keep
    you forever -

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    SB Champion Lieutenant o00's Avatar
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    This is a normal story... happens with most of the people..the final outcome depends on the individual.. some live with it for their whole life, some can't and a few post a query out of it on santabanta AA forum

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    Quote Originally Posted by castrator View Post
    I must say, a girl who is not able to understand a guy like you; who is so clear about his needs, requirements and thoughts; I believe there is some sort of intelligence missing in her. Did you check her emotional IQ? Don't even try, you may feel devastated. The things you explained says clearly about her, her emotional quotient is almost zero and she is very impulsive in her decisions. Though you feel that she is very loyal to you; but the state of mind you have explained about her, is clearly something which is completely unpredictable. Its because of you and your nature, this relationship is working, try changing your ways just like her, I know its hard for you to behave exactly like her; but man there is no choice. You can call this Nautanki, but thats the need of the hour. You have to check is she able to take all the things which she makes you face. If she can, then probably you can further think about this relationship otherwise, trust me man; its not possible to live with a girl like this. I am sorry, I know you love her alot but I believe you will love somebody much more than this, who could understand you little more. I wish you luck, don't give up now, just see if she can take what she gives.

    Take care of your hands man.. You have to write the exams also!
    Thanks for being so kind at your words Castrator.. 'you talked about giving her back the same thing..'
    I was actually, always, critical of this nature of hers in which she would do *** for tat, and never miss an oppurtunity to deliberately hit me back(verbally only), if even by mistake I would say something unwanted. I believe such Action-Equal reaction only makes the whole relationship blind and barren.

    However, today, I tried this thing on her as suggested by you.

    She has always been extremely possessive of me. I am kind of someone who would give healthy and genuine compliments to people around(both boys and girls). She has, quite often, bluntly asked me not to admire/appreciate any girl for whatsoever reason. Today, she again said,"Dear, I will never like if you admire any girl ".

    So, I agreed, and said something similar to her. She keeps getting lots of compliments from people. Quite often, there are boys, who flirt with her and admire her for her beauty etc.
    I told her in a similar manner that she should avoid such boys and discourage them to flirt like this.
    I told her, I am ready to be like her, if she is possessive, i will be possessive. If she is broad minded , i will be broad minded.

    As expected, there was a fight. She twice disconnected the call. Her point was that getting compliments and giving compliments are entirely different things.
    I kept em-phasing, that usually its the 'flirt' aspect to be avoided, whether you receive or you give, it should be avoided when there is smell of a flirt.
    I tried a lot, messaged her thrice, explained her, but she cant get to this point.
    She called back latter, listened to what i said, but without agreeing to anything. Again, thus I feel, she is unilaterally dictating her terms.
    I dont know If would be called adamant or not ?? !!! Was I too unreasonable ?
    P.S. I trust her a lot. I am proud of her for this reason that though She can indulge in receiving flirtatious compliments but can not cheat.
    My only point today was she maintains different and rigid yardstick for both of us and that she never bends her mind to accommodate my thoughts.



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    radiant light ! Captain ariesgirl's Avatar
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    you said she doesn't flirt with others...ok we agreed..but that doesn't mean that she loves you the way you love her...there are many ppl who are not interested in flirtin at all..and this girl can't accept you the way you are...she is over reacting a lot...you aren't her toy or something..you have self respect na..never put it down infront of anyone..even if its your lover/spouse..if i were you,i wouldn't have tolerated her anymore..kudos to your patience..she is such drama queen..she is proving to you again and again that she isn't the one for you..

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    Quote Originally Posted by ariesgirl View Post
    you said she doesn't flirt with others...ok we agreed..but that doesn't mean that she loves you the way you love her...there are many ppl who are not interested in flirtin at all..and this girl can't accept you the way you are...she is over reacting a lot...you aren't her toy or something..you have self respect na..never put it down infront of anyone..even if its your lover/spouse..if i were you,i wouldn't have tolerated her anymore..kudos to your patience..she is such drama queen..she is proving to you again and again that she isn't the one for you..
    thank your Aries Girl for coming back and replying.. I had no qualms regarding changing myself, all I wanted was that her demands for change be proportional to how much she can herself change.. I am feeling she is making it inclined heavily on one sided. Good thing is,, personally she accepts my physical appearance as it is. I sometime look very good, but most of the times I am just average kind.. She is quite often astonishingly beautiful..When we are both together, I think I am the most handsome man in her eyes..
    I wish that she could listen to me more, understand me more, learn to agree while disagreeing.
    my another concern is, She is very soft hearted for others. There is no movie where she doesn't sob. But at times when I feel so much turbulence she talks very professional, brags about her rights etc which make break down the emotional connectivity.
    Her behavior is just very confusing..
    Lastly, speaking so much here has made me feel better.. I have never been able to explain such things to her..

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