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Thread: Disturbed marriage and now a baby

  1. #1
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    Default Disturbed marriage and now a baby

    Hi,

    I was married on 3rd Feb 2013 with a colleague from my office though we never met as I was onsite since she joined my company. It was an arrange+love marriage ( I fell in love with her after we got engaged). Since my engagement to her, i started conversing with her and always felt that her perspective towards life was "too good to be true". I tried to tell her this many times but she kept sticking to bookish ideals like being a homely girl, respecting parents etc. We married within 2 months of knowing each other period as we both stayed in same city and both were staying alone. I have stayed alone in same city for last 8 years and thought that finally will get someone to share my feelings with ( I am an introvert person with few friends). Our marriage took place in my hometown and we came back to our working city with in a week of our marriage.
    As both of us were in jobs and could not manage lots of leaves, we had to skip our honey moon (which she made a big issue but i managed the situation). We could not get to spend much time together because:
    1) Both were in job
    2) I have touring job and had to go onsite on regular basis
    3) Both are two opposite poles, what i like she does not and what she does, i cant
    With in two months of our marriage she got pregnant, though we had sex for not more than 5 times ( that too on higher side). She has always been very reluctant towards my sexual advances and keep reminding me of honey moon incident. She had a lot of health hazards after getting pregnant and I had to make her leave her job as I could not see her in such a condition. I earn well and literally do not need a helping hand to run things and I am thankful to god for that.
    In June 2013, I had to go to onsite for a month and she preferred to stay at her parents house rather mine and I did not make any issue of it. While, I was onsite, she had a change in mind and went to home town to stay with my parents but took this decision when 1 week was left in my return. Any how, I overlooked all this and brought her back to my working location and started staying there with her. For the first time after almost 5 months, I started feeling that my in laws had a lot of intervention in our married life. In fact, they tried their level best to abort our first child to which me and my parents resisted successfully. After staying with me for a month, she went to her parents house in "Savan" and never came back since then.
    While she was at her parents house, me and my wife had a spat on what car to be purchased but this time again her mother intervened and called my parents to tell them that our marriage is over. My parents got very furious as I never let any thing bad to reach them but after this incident, I had to tell them the truth that my married life was nothing but a mere social drama, there was no love in it at all. My parents went to bring my wife back but her parents did not let her come stating that she was very depressed because of all this ( there was literally not that big of an incident).
    I tried to converse with her but she just talks like ladies, always taunting on me, always making me realize my shortcomings etc. I am a confident man and generally over look her such behavior but she touched my limits when she misbehaved with my mother over phone a big time. She even called my father and told him all bad things.
    On 9th Dec 2013, she gave a birth to little princess. Her parents did not inform my parents about it and simply texted about this ( i was expecting a call) but never mind I went there to hold my first child in my arms. But, nothing changed in all this time ( 5 months of separation), my wife and in laws were behaving just the way they always behaved with me.
    I married thinking that finally I would have someone else's voice in my house to hear but i failed. I still listen to silence which was there for 8 years and in fact it has darken.
    I need help to understand:
    1) What to do when my wife has informed everyone that she is not a homely girl and wants to work and be independent? ( My take - Very good do it but now u r married and have me and baby to look after)
    2) She has told every personal thing of mine to everyone. ( My take - broken my trust in real bad way, will be very difficult to come on same terms again).
    3) Accused me of being miser and informed everyone that she is the one who has been running house for so many months, what ever time we stayed together. ( My take - A big fat lie, I have bank statements to compare)
    4) She does not respect my parents and does not ( literally) understand that her parents should not intervene in our affairs very much. ( My take - We both are 28 years old and cannot expect her to be guided just by her parents thoughts).

    ---------------------- What should I do for my little princess who is away from me and to let her know that her father misses her very much -----------------------------

  2. #2
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Hi! Well, seems like the issues are not really that huge- not insurmountable- if you both make up your minds to overcome them and make a go of your marriage. However, its these small and constant irritants that wear away at the fabric of the marriage. You need to actually speak to her calmly and ask where she thinks she is heading in this? Would she like to save the marriage? Locate a good counsellor who can help you both and see how matters can be resolved.
    See, parental interference is pretty common in our society where one does not marry the girl, but her entire family and vice versa. But if the couple is ready, then that can be put in perspective also.
    Basically, get yourselves together before the cracks become crevices.

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    This is your first test after marriage. Deal with it. Marriage comes with its cost and this is one of those. I think you can handle and get through it successfully.

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    My dear, if you truely love your little princess then dont let her suffer from a broken family!! she will bear consequences afterwards when she grow up if ever you get separated!! hmmmm i think you need to talk to your wife and tell her that at least for our child lets live well and try bring back love!!!

    separation isnt the main solution!!! your wife is being immature, try to deal with it for your child!!! go meet them and say sorry regarding her issues just for your child and... saying sorry doesnt mean you are wrong and the other is right its simply you dont want things to get worse!!!! am sure she will understand if you are kind enough, unless you love your ego more and still keep remembering what she has done etc!!! if you cant be sorry because you feel she has done too much then sorry there is no difference between you and your wife and you are equally responsible for all what happened!! learn to forget and forgive in relationships!
    I'm a shhh girl
    Loving me could be a crime

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    Okay, as mam said, the issues aren't as big as they are being made. Here is my piece of advise:

    First of all, you make yourself mentally prepared for separation. This is very important. This is the time for being practical - not emotional (Specially regarding your daughter whom you seem to love too much).

    Once you have prepared yourself for separation, give a call to your wife and ask her what is in her mind. How does she want to go ahead. Is she planning to return or is it the end of the relationship for her. Assuming she doesn't agree to patch up and return or is not able to give you a proper response, below are the course of events that should follow:

    1. Arrange a meeting of both the families. Inform your in laws.

    2. The middleman who arranged your wedding (there has to be some matchmaking relative), try getting in touch with them to solve the issue. If that is not possible, talk to some relative/friend whom you are confident can handle the situation if it goes out of control (in events like your family getting furious or someone getting violent - expect the worst).

    3. Inform your in laws beforehand that another family/person will be accompanying you and ask them to do the same.

    4. Note down the points beforehand you need to discuss. First point of discussion should be about the problems you faced with each other. Ask her to speak about her problems and you can talk about yours. But it is very important that you maintain peace. Do not get into arguments, let the other party speak, wait for your chance, address every issue raised by the other party. Even if the other party is not complying - you put all efforts from your side to maintain harmony. Afterall, they have your girl and I am sure you wouldn't want them to end up filing a case against you for dowry (which is very common these days)

    5. Probable complains from her:

    • No honeymoon
    • Compatibility
    • On site working hours
    • Her job

    Think and decide beforehand how are you going to address these issues. I am sure they were aware of your job timings before wedding. They should not create an issue out of it now. Be well prepared with your justifications.

    6. Put forward your issues, few of which should be below:

    • She wants to work, ok! But how does she plan to take care of the baby since you are mostly onsite.
    • Her/her family's misbehavior with your parents (be very careful while raising this issue). Talk about expectations of both, not her's alone. Like instead of saying 'you or your family should not talk to my family like like so and so...." say, "you and I are going to respect each other's families and both the families are expected to respect each other.."
    • How are the future fights/issues between two of you are going to be solved. Tell her firmly you and her, both should ensure families are not involved unless you really want to separate. Everything should be solved among two of you.
    • Anything else you want to discuss/clear with her/her family.


    If everything is discussed well, end the meeting on a good note. Try going out on some dinner so everyone has a change of mood. Try to start afresh.


    BUT - What if they are not ready to compromise? In that case, you need to discuss below few issues:


    1. Filing divorce in court (mutual consent)
    2. Talk about the custody of the baby - mostly she would get it but you will be allowed to meet her occasionally. I am sorry but nothing much can be done in this matter.
    3. Do not give in if they say you should never meet the baby. You have a right to. Instead of getting into argument with them, just let them know you will let the court decide.
    4. I am not sure about the dowry thing. Did you guys demand any dowry? How much did they give? Ensure you have sufficient proofs to state your point. False dowry case will land you in trouble.
    5. Maintenance of the baby. How much is your wife expecting. Decide upon a reasonable amount of money.


    These are a few issues I am just making you aware of. There should be lot lot more. Write down everything and ponder on it before you discuss. And yes, YOU HAVE TO BE READY FOR SEPARATION. I know its tough but you need to take a stand. Think of it, today you go, apologise and get her back. But how long will that sustain? Your daughter will grow up seeing you fight/indifferent towards each other (which will have a very negative effect on her).

    Best of luck!
    "Love means exposing yourself to being deeply hurt by someone you love" - and yet I loved! The pain now is nothing but a part of the happiness then~~

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    Well.. I tried to read your post carefully and tried to guess what "her" side of the story could be to get a full picture. I think most of her accusations could very well be valid.
    1) You "do" seem to be a real miser. You could not take leave for your honeymoon which is so precious for a couple and which they dream about. Could you not take unpaid leave? I thought you may not be that well off, but you go on to say.. "I earn well and literally do not need a helping hand to run things and I am thankful to god for that.." . So that makes you a 1st class miser!
    2) You seem a little selfish. You don't want her to work because you said "
    Very good do it but now u r married and have me and baby to look after". Can you elaborate in what way you expect her to "take care" of you? It seems you need a maid, not a wife.
    All in all, you both are not a good match. The signs were there. You knew her perspective on life was different. What you thought was love was just "infatuation". Most of us don't even know the difference.
    Now the damage is done. i doubt either can change yourselves drastically to make this work. Best to get separated or divorced and you fight for custody if you wish.

  7. #7
    Bullet Raja Major General Gudu Gudu Returns's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Hi,

    I was married on 3rd Feb 2013 with a colleague from my office though we never met as I was onsite since she joined my company. It was an arrange+love marriage ( I fell in love with her after we got engaged). Since my engagement to her, i started conversing with her and always felt that her perspective towards life was "too good to be true". I tried to tell her this many times but she kept sticking to bookish ideals like being a homely girl, respecting parents etc. We married within 2 months of knowing each other period as we both stayed in same city and both were staying alone. I have stayed alone in same city for last 8 years and thought that finally will get someone to share my feelings with ( I am an introvert person with few friends). Our marriage took place in my hometown and we came back to our working city with in a week of our marriage.
    As both of us were in jobs and could not manage lots of leaves, we had to skip our honey moon (which she made a big issue but i managed the situation). We could not get to spend much time together because:
    1) Both were in job
    2) I have touring job and had to go onsite on regular basis
    3) Both are two opposite poles, what i like she does not and what she does, i cant
    With in two months of our marriage she got pregnant, though we had sex for not more than 5 times ( that too on higher side). She has always been very reluctant towards my sexual advances and keep reminding me of honey moon incident. She had a lot of health hazards after getting pregnant and I had to make her leave her job as I could not see her in such a condition. I earn well and literally do not need a helping hand to run things and I am thankful to god for that.
    In June 2013, I had to go to onsite for a month and she preferred to stay at her parents house rather mine and I did not make any issue of it. While, I was onsite, she had a change in mind and went to home town to stay with my parents but took this decision when 1 week was left in my return. Any how, I overlooked all this and brought her back to my working location and started staying there with her. For the first time after almost 5 months,

    I started feeling that my in laws had a lot of intervention in our married life.

    In fact, they tried their level best to abort our first child to which me and my parents resisted successfully. After staying with me for a month, she went to her parents house in "Savan" and never came back since then.
    While she was at her parents house, me and my wife had a spat on what car to be purchased but this time again her mother intervened and called my parents to tell them that our marriage is over. My parents got very furious as I never let any thing bad to reach them but after this incident, I had to tell them the truth that my married life was nothing but a mere social drama, there was no love in it at all. My parents went to bring my wife back but her parents did not let her come stating that she was very depressed because of all this ( there was literally not that big of an incident).
    I tried to converse with her but she just talks like ladies, always taunting on me, always making me realize my shortcomings etc. I am a confident man and generally over look her such behavior but she touched my limits when she misbehaved with my mother over phone a big time. She even called my father and told him all bad things.
    On 9th Dec 2013, she gave a birth to little princess. Her parents did not inform my parents about it and simply texted about this ( i was expecting a call) but never mind I went there to hold my first child in my arms. But, nothing changed in all this time ( 5 months of separation), my wife and in laws were behaving just the way they always behaved with me.

    I married thinking that finally I would have someone else's voice in my house to hear but i failed. I still listen to silence which was there for 8 years and in fact it has darken.
    I need help to understand:

    1) What to do when my wife has informed everyone that she is not a homely girl and wants to work and be independent? ( My take - Very good do it but now u r married and have me and baby to look after)

    2) She has told every personal thing of mine to everyone. ( My take - broken my trust in real bad way, will be very difficult to come on same terms again).

    3) Accused me of being miser and informed everyone that she is the one who has been running house for so many months, what ever time we stayed together. ( My take - A big fat lie, I have bank statements to compare)

    4) She does not respect my parents and does not ( literally) understand that her parents should not intervene in our affairs very much. ( My take - We both are 28 years old and cannot expect her to be guided just by her parents thoughts).

    ---------------------- What should I do for my little princess who is away from me and to let her know that her father misses her very much -----------------------------

    Strictly tell, do not interfere with my family ie you and your wife, not just to your in-laws but also to your parents.

    In-laws interfering too mch is a very good cause for breakdown of marriage, this is a proved time and again in Indian society.

    Regarding your wife telling out secrets to one and all about you, its her intelligence which made her do it, they ie people who heard what she told see you as a hero, a good for nothing or a villain should not matter to you as there is already a kid out of the wedlock.

    Rest things you should try to adjust for the sake of the dotter you have in hand.

    Either there should be intelligence ie inborn to your wife, as to what to listen and what not to listen, ie from her parents or her relatives etc or she should listen to at least you, ie her husband as to what to do and what not to do. In such case, its best that I term you as unlucky. So put a deaf ear whenever possible.

    Remember, the goal, the goal is to be together for the sake of the kid born out of wedlock. If that is registered in your head, then all such nuances of your wife, your in-laws, petty fights wont exist at all.

    Good luck.

    And one more thing, trying to convince your wife is a foolish attempt, as she seems to suffer from MAMMA DADDA syndrome !
    Last edited by Gudu Gudu Returns; 21-12-2013 at 01:12 PM.
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    First of all a big congratulation to you on birth of your little princess .

    No two people are same and in marriages mostly we feel we are stuck with opposite poles.
    Well, welcome to the world of Marriage !!

    I can understand how much you must be missing your child, i would say for time being talk to your wife and make her agree to come back with you to your home and listen to her point of view about things too.
    Probably they wont make much sense to you but there is ahuge expectations from both sides after marriage and God made Girls & boys soo different to live together.
    So , pls somehow try to call her back and try to avoid your onsite visits so that you can get some balance in your life.

    You guys have hardly spent time together and to make a marriage you need alot of time to understand each others, its not the same as we see in bollywood movies.
    Spending 8 years alone can also play a huge role here, as you were waiting so eagerly for someone and expecting her to be perfect as you expected but it is not possible.

    Abt her say for job, well once a person starts working its way too tough for her/him to sit idle at home and now she has a baby to take care which will be soon a massive task for her and taking care of baby is a loveliest & a toughest job in this world.
    Its going to take alot from you two given you both are still unknown to eachother.

    Ask her if she is too thinking of giving this marriage a chance thn take her home with your little princess and try to make her understand and also try to understand her point of view.
    Tell her its not possible that we both agree for same things but we both can try to adjust.
    If you see a little hope, pls try to work on this.
    One thing is sure life is not that easy when you have to adjust for so many things but life is not good without some ppl, so better try your level best to keep them in your life .

    Wish you good luck.
    May God Bless you all ...
    Last edited by lifesite; 21-12-2013 at 01:00 PM.

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    Dear All,

    Thanks for your support and responses

    Update - We are back together and will be celebrating our 4th Anniversary on 3rd Feb. My little princess is with me and has recently started going to school

    I realized and learned - Me and my wife were meant for each other and no one can replace her in my life or me in her life

    Love you all!

    Thanks

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by muke21 View Post
    Dear All,

    Thanks for your support and responses

    Update - We are back together and will be celebrating our 4th Anniversary on 3rd Feb. My little princess is with me and has recently started going to school

    I realized and learned - Me and my wife were meant for each other and no one can replace her in my life or me in her life

    Love you all!

    Thanks


    ~KiDiLaM~

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by muke21 View Post
    Dear All,

    Thanks for your support and responses

    Update - We are back together and will be celebrating our 4th Anniversary on 3rd Feb. My little princess is with me and has recently started going to school

    I realized and learned - Me and my wife were meant for each other and no one can replace her in my life or me in her life

    Love you all!

    Thanks
    Congrats..... feels good when people come back and update.
    Anything that costs you your peace is too expensive

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