Results 1 to 10 of 10

Thread: Is there a solution to these marital issues?

  1. #1
    Unregistered
    Guest

    Default Is there a solution to these marital issues?

    Hello! Its a long one, please excuse me


    I have a query, and a huge confusion for which I need your help to resolve -


    I am married for 10 years now, it was an arranged marriage. As it happens in (arrange) marriage, we had/have multiple issues listed below -


    1. We had fights over wedding arrangements, and my male ego (is that the right word for swabhimaan) was shattered over some financial transaction. Later over the years, my wife n her parents realised I was not after their money, but it was too late for me to forgive n forget.


    2. We have entirely different outlook towards life. She's been raised in an environment where kids are loved and pampered very much to the extent of spoiling, whereas my upbringing was so that we love and pamper our parents and grandparents more than they pamper us. My parents pamper my grandparents and elders are the first priority in our house.


    3. Our way of living is a complete mismatch. I believe in hardwork and simplicity, whereas she is more into shopping, spending and showoff. This is also a different family trait.


    4. I want to visit my grandmom in India twice a year, as she's 80+ and there's no guarantee if I will be able to see her next. My wife was preg at a time when I raised this discussion of India visit, she said she will join me only if I book her air ticket in business class. She won't allow me to take my elder daughter with me. Finally I couldn't go because of some flat purchase issue, but it pains to know her intentions. But when her parents were hosting a bhagwat katha, she went with my daughter buying peak rate air tickets. Things like these hurt me a lot.


    5. Now we have two amazing daughters, and it pains me to see their upbringing by my wife. Instead of raising our kids to be self sufficient independent human beings, I think, wife is into short term pleasing the kids. An example - instead of buying my daughter a chocolate because she cried, I would be happy to talk to her calmly and use other tactics(diverting attention, bad effects of more chocs etc) and finally explain to the kid that emotional blackmailing is not a good trait.


    6. I am behaving nuts these days just so that my wife goes out and renews her passport on her own. If me as a man can do the household chores (occasional cooking, getting kids ready for school daily, cleaning and tidying up the house weekly) I do expect my partner to get involved more and ease my stress. Like plan holidays together or plan the layout of our new flat or occasionally maintain the family car.


    7. Now our relationship has come to such an extent that I do not have any topics to talk to her rather than household chores or what to gift someone on the occasion or which restaurant to go for dinner etc (I mean, I talk only on purpose). My elder daughter is the one, to whom I talk what I want to (ofcourse things appropriate to her age). I laugh with her. I share my childhood stories with her. She's 6 already and within no time she will get busy with her studies/friends/life of her own.


    8. I really miss a partner as in planning the future together. Planning where we want to live (as of now, I live in London since past 4 years). I want her involvement in everyday life challenges rather than just shopping, jwellery, showoff, religion, bhagwat katha etc.


    9. She's a housewife and still expects me to do a lot of household chores. And because I like to keep my home tidy, I do a lot of them.


    10. I am pissed off to such an extent now that I haven't got intimate with her since last November. I do get my urges, but now her presence itself turns me off. She tried a few times, but I did't respond.


    I am so clueless as to where do I begin/end things now. Many nights I weep and remember my ex. I do not want a divorce - first because I love my daughters more than my happiness, second because I lack courage given the social background I come from. I must write here that I never ever felt love for her. Its just a bonding we have because of living together, and lust during the initial days. Every year from 2004 (when we got married) to 2008 we had one or other issue (like a land dispute involving my family and things going really bad, or her sister's death, or my grandpa's death), and I never got chance to think over my marriage calmly. She says she loves me, but from her behaviour I can see she needs me (for a nice luxurious life) more than love me.


    I am quite successfull in my career, and live life on my terms. I just keep doing whatever I can do for the home and keep my daughters happy. But I miss emotional intimacy. I miss the life partner I always wanted to have. I miss the physical intimacy.


    Can you girls/guys put some sense into me? I want to stop thinking too much and live one day at a time. Is there a solution at all given our upbringings were so different?

  2. #2
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    61,027
    Rep Power
    100

    Default

    Well, my dear- its ten years of togetherness that you are talking about so you should have been able to understand, if not come to terms with the 'differences' you are talking about. regarding the upbringing of the children, I understand that you want different things- and maybe better communication on that front should help you.
    Basically, there seems to be a big communication breakdown here- its quite common to marriages- love, or arranged.
    If you are not being able to resolve this lack of communication, you should certainly try and see a counsellor. Absolutely no harm in trying to put the marriage on track for all concerned, is there?

  3. #3
    SB Wizard Captain o00's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    2,512
    Rep Power
    56

    Default

    This is a common story of thousands of Indians. Just celebrate the fact that you guys have been together for 10 years. Don't expect too much out of the marriage, you already got and cherished what it gives. Learn to be self sufficient(emotionally) and engage yourself into whatever pleases you. By reading your story, I don't think she needs to have an emotional intimacy with someone as much as you do. Hope you have peaceful and drama-free rest of your time with her.
    You never know what you can become ..

  4. #4
    SB Addict mysticmantra's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Location
    Kalinga
    Posts
    786
    Rep Power
    67

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Hello! Its a long one, please excuse me


    I have a query, and a huge confusion for which I need your help to resolve -


    I am married for 10 years now, it was an arranged marriage. As it happens in (arrange) marriage, we had/have multiple issues listed below -


    1. We had fights over wedding arrangements, and my male ego (is that the right word for swabhimaan) was shattered over some financial transaction. Later over the years, my wife n her parents realised I was not after their money, but it was too late for me to forgive n forget.


    2. We have entirely different outlook towards life. She's been raised in an environment where kids are loved and pampered very much to the extent of spoiling, whereas my upbringing was so that we love and pamper our parents and grandparents more than they pamper us. My parents pamper my grandparents and elders are the first priority in our house.


    3. Our way of living is a complete mismatch. I believe in hardwork and simplicity, whereas she is more into shopping, spending and showoff. This is also a different family trait.


    4. I want to visit my grandmom in India twice a year, as she's 80+ and there's no guarantee if I will be able to see her next. My wife was preg at a time when I raised this discussion of India visit, she said she will join me only if I book her air ticket in business class. She won't allow me to take my elder daughter with me. Finally I couldn't go because of some flat purchase issue, but it pains to know her intentions. But when her parents were hosting a bhagwat katha, she went with my daughter buying peak rate air tickets. Things like these hurt me a lot.


    5. Now we have two amazing daughters, and it pains me to see their upbringing by my wife. Instead of raising our kids to be self sufficient independent human beings, I think, wife is into short term pleasing the kids. An example - instead of buying my daughter a chocolate because she cried, I would be happy to talk to her calmly and use other tactics(diverting attention, bad effects of more chocs etc) and finally explain to the kid that emotional blackmailing is not a good trait.


    6. I am behaving nuts these days just so that my wife goes out and renews her passport on her own. If me as a man can do the household chores (occasional cooking, getting kids ready for school daily, cleaning and tidying up the house weekly) I do expect my partner to get involved more and ease my stress. Like plan holidays together or plan the layout of our new flat or occasionally maintain the family car.


    7. Now our relationship has come to such an extent that I do not have any topics to talk to her rather than household chores or what to gift someone on the occasion or which restaurant to go for dinner etc (I mean, I talk only on purpose). My elder daughter is the one, to whom I talk what I want to (ofcourse things appropriate to her age). I laugh with her. I share my childhood stories with her. She's 6 already and within no time she will get busy with her studies/friends/life of her own.


    8. I really miss a partner as in planning the future together. Planning where we want to live (as of now, I live in London since past 4 years). I want her involvement in everyday life challenges rather than just shopping, jwellery, showoff, religion, bhagwat katha etc.


    9. She's a housewife and still expects me to do a lot of household chores. And because I like to keep my home tidy, I do a lot of them.


    10. I am pissed off to such an extent now that I haven't got intimate with her since last November. I do get my urges, but now her presence itself turns me off. She tried a few times, but I did't respond.


    I am so clueless as to where do I begin/end things now. Many nights I weep and remember my ex. I do not want a divorce - first because I love my daughters more than my happiness, second because I lack courage given the social background I come from. I must write here that I never ever felt love for her. Its just a bonding we have because of living together, and lust during the initial days. Every year from 2004 (when we got married) to 2008 we had one or other issue (like a land dispute involving my family and things going really bad, or her sister's death, or my grandpa's death), and I never got chance to think over my marriage calmly. She says she loves me, but from her behaviour I can see she needs me (for a nice luxurious life) more than love me.


    I am quite successfull in my career, and live life on my terms. I just keep doing whatever I can do for the home and keep my daughters happy. But I miss emotional intimacy. I miss the life partner I always wanted to have. I miss the physical intimacy.


    Can you girls/guys put some sense into me? I want to stop thinking too much and live one day at a time. Is there a solution at all given our upbringings were so different?
    From ur query i think there is lack of communication between two. secondly self respect swabhimaan sounds good but marriage doesnt mean swabhimaan or ego but it is compromise by two entities for a lifetime. my suggestion wud be have a serious open discussion. everyone is not bought up in same way u hv to acknowledge tht and also know how to use tht.

  5. #5
    Young Gun mermaid's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2011
    Posts
    302
    Rep Power
    66

    Default

    There is only one solution...communication...silence dosent make the problem go away...jst like u shared all this with us...strangers in a forum...try sharing this with her...make her see ur side of the story..ur point of view n discuss about the things u want changed ...also ask her what is her expectations of u coz she might hv her own set of dissatisfactions in this relationship....try talking like mature people without blames n accusitions..n try to reach a common ground...btw u sound like someone i knw in an exact similar situation...pm me if u want..hope u sort it out soon....

  6. #6
    SB Champion Lieutenant Inspector Pathan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Edgware Road
    Posts
    1,112
    Rep Power
    54

    Default

    you are in london...ever visited a casino or williamhills.....how many people have you seen going out happily...only one or two...isn't it....not everyone is lucky....marriage is just like gamble....you never hit the jackpot....only few pence or pounds was in your fate....now for the sake of your daughters continue....that's all i can say.... good luck.....

  7. #7
    SB Champion Lieutenant
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    1,139
    Rep Power
    88

    Default

    There is a lack of communication and she is not understanding the needs u have. But u also need to understand that how she is and why she wants. Who Khay tay gain Kay tali aikido hath say nahin baj ti. ..

  8. #8
    New Born
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Posts
    49
    Rep Power
    100

    Default

    just wanted to bring one point here, you mentioned about how you think of your ex gf...dont think over it and start comparing...coz believe me gf dont always make good wives...u would have still got issues with her and more than your current relation...past is gone...even your ex will be happy with her husband now.....just communicate and try to make your current relation the best for you...
    In my opinion start treating her as she is your girl friend from college days...take her out on a vacation (plan for a second honeymoon and go on for a tech free break...no mobiles, internet etc)....enjoy, have fun on beaches...love her, communicate, get intimate more often, try new things ...believe me you will both fall for each other again...10 years is a long time u invested in a relation...dont let it go....dont get depressed...this happens...the more you smile, the more good and confident you will feel about you....remember the first thing is to love yourself...goodluck

  9. #9
    New Born
    Join Date
    May 2013
    Location
    India
    Posts
    34
    Rep Power
    51

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Hello! Its a long one, please excuse me


    I have a query, and a huge confusion for which I need your help to resolve -


    I am married for 10 years now, it was an arranged marriage. As it happens in (arrange) marriage, we had/have multiple issues listed below -


    1. We had fights over wedding arrangements, and my male ego (is that the right word for swabhimaan) was shattered over some financial transaction. Later over the years, my wife n her parents realised I was not after their money, but it was too late for me to forgive n forget.


    2. We have entirely different outlook towards life. She's been raised in an environment where kids are loved and pampered very much to the extent of spoiling, whereas my upbringing was so that we love and pamper our parents and grandparents more than they pamper us. My parents pamper my grandparents and elders are the first priority in our house.


    3. Our way of living is a complete mismatch. I believe in hardwork and simplicity, whereas she is more into shopping, spending and showoff. This is also a different family trait.


    4. I want to visit my grandmom in India twice a year, as she's 80+ and there's no guarantee if I will be able to see her next. My wife was preg at a time when I raised this discussion of India visit, she said she will join me only if I book her air ticket in business class. She won't allow me to take my elder daughter with me. Finally I couldn't go because of some flat purchase issue, but it pains to know her intentions. But when her parents were hosting a bhagwat katha, she went with my daughter buying peak rate air tickets. Things like these hurt me a lot.


    5. Now we have two amazing daughters, and it pains me to see their upbringing by my wife. Instead of raising our kids to be self sufficient independent human beings, I think, wife is into short term pleasing the kids. An example - instead of buying my daughter a chocolate because she cried, I would be happy to talk to her calmly and use other tactics(diverting attention, bad effects of more chocs etc) and finally explain to the kid that emotional blackmailing is not a good trait.


    6. I am behaving nuts these days just so that my wife goes out and renews her passport on her own. If me as a man can do the household chores (occasional cooking, getting kids ready for school daily, cleaning and tidying up the house weekly) I do expect my partner to get involved more and ease my stress. Like plan holidays together or plan the layout of our new flat or occasionally maintain the family car.


    7. Now our relationship has come to such an extent that I do not have any topics to talk to her rather than household chores or what to gift someone on the occasion or which restaurant to go for dinner etc (I mean, I talk only on purpose). My elder daughter is the one, to whom I talk what I want to (ofcourse things appropriate to her age). I laugh with her. I share my childhood stories with her. She's 6 already and within no time she will get busy with her studies/friends/life of her own.


    8. I really miss a partner as in planning the future together. Planning where we want to live (as of now, I live in London since past 4 years). I want her involvement in everyday life challenges rather than just shopping, jwellery, showoff, religion, bhagwat katha etc.


    9. She's a housewife and still expects me to do a lot of household chores. And because I like to keep my home tidy, I do a lot of them.


    10. I am pissed off to such an extent now that I haven't got intimate with her since last November. I do get my urges, but now her presence itself turns me off. She tried a few times, but I did't respond.


    I am so clueless as to where do I begin/end things now. Many nights I weep and remember my ex. I do not want a divorce - first because I love my daughters more than my happiness, second because I lack courage given the social background I come from. I must write here that I never ever felt love for her. Its just a bonding we have because of living together, and lust during the initial days. Every year from 2004 (when we got married) to 2008 we had one or other issue (like a land dispute involving my family and things going really bad, or her sister's death, or my grandpa's death), and I never got chance to think over my marriage calmly. She says she loves me, but from her behaviour I can see she needs me (for a nice luxurious life) more than love me.


    I am quite successfull in my career, and live life on my terms. I just keep doing whatever I can do for the home and keep my daughters happy. But I miss emotional intimacy. I miss the life partner I always wanted to have. I miss the physical intimacy.


    Can you girls/guys put some sense into me? I want to stop thinking too much and live one day at a time. Is there a solution at all given our upbringings were so different?

    1) You are such a sensible and responsible person that any sane spouse should feel envious looking at your wife.
    But friend, one thing I must tell you, that such things can happen in Love marriages as well. I am with a girl for last couple of years, and I am sure my life will have the same fate as yours. All while reading your story, I could relate to incidents which have already occurred to me and incidents which would surely occur in future. I have also written the same things as how I feel an emotional disconnect, though she is loyal and all in all respects.
    If you have time, give this a reading -
    http://forum.santabanta.com/showthre...motional-needs

    2) I am also sure that most of the solutions which people will suggest on this forum to you, would definitely be such which have already been tried by you. You are not a fool and going by the way you logically presented your story, seems natural to believe that you have tried everything possible to save your life( and your precious little daughters. So there is practically nothing new, either me or anyone else can suggest.

    3) Your problem will persist. But the best we can do is give you some pain killers so that you dont feel the pain.
    i) One of them is that stop looking at the intelligent, caring wives around you. It is quite natural to see around yourself what you miss in your life, but the more you come to know about 'good' wives, the more you will feel pain.
    ii) Most men suffer from this problem but very few admit of this in public arena because of fear of embarrassment. I personally know many couples, who hardly love each other, but portray on Facebook etc as if they are made for each other. My sincere advice - stay away from such pretentious people.

  10. #10
    New Born
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Posts
    66
    Rep Power
    78

    Default

    Well honestly, there is no solution till you both try it together.
    If one is trying at a time and another is busy making himself/herself happy then there is no solution.

    What I am feeling here is that you are too irritated with her way of living and no interest in you and your family.

    Its same for both of you like you have grown in an environment, she did too when you both were unmarried and it cannot be same at all.

    There are always gonna be differences when you we start living together with a person.
    The only thing I can think might help you is to take out that irritation out of it as its not good for you & not for your wife & kids.
    This will make you feel more lonely and keep you away from your wife.

    About kids upbringing, we always think what our parents did with us was the best and we always take as a guideline to raise our kids.
    Believe me its a never ending fight you just have to talk to you wife on such stuff as you both want to do best for your kids BUT in a different way, so better you make some outline.
    Sometimes you just get shocked when your spouse tells you what you are doing is wrong where there is no such intention of doing wrong stuff for kids.
    Sometimes we do things to handle the situation and sometimes to make them happy and some times to have you sanity back as raising kids at home is not as easy as anyone thinks before having them.

    About Intimacy, without intimacy are feeling lonely and once to take that road ....my dear friend believe me again you will never gonna feel that back. Try change your path. Talk to your wife as you said she has approached to you and you showed no interest so probably there might be some chances to work on everything if you guys start together.

    About visiting people during you India trip, try to go alone where she doesn't want to join you. Best solution, let her stay wherever she wants to stay during that time and please don't sit and wait that she is hurting you and she would get it and you keep these thoughts in you. You live your life instead of making this list.

    And about you wife going out and doing your work or say help you in outside the house .....WELL if you gonna say while you are pissed off nothing gonna happen ... so change your attitude here.

    ANd the most important thing I want share here is that I have almost same problems at my home as you have and Including My hubby stay always upset, angry, or say my third cranky baby and we have lots of differences plus lots of problem and we do fight specially when he have this attitude on special days of like bdays, anniversaries etc, bcoz out of 365 says I want few days without all this mess.

    Anyways, somewhere your is still better life as you have a good career and can stay away from all this for most of the day and live the life on your terms.

    So we all have problems and we mostly feel lonely when we get tired of it and see no hope and no affection. Try to reduce some expectation and try to tell your wife what you want which I know you might have done in these years.

    BUt if nothing has changed in these years I am doubtful things will get better soon without you guys are willing to work on it, I acn give you a tip here which I got once from a marriage counselor that talk to your spouse for 20 min everyday (10-10 min for each) and do not discuss any topic which can cause fights or arguments. If you can do that would be greatly helpful. Start with it and if possible see a counselor might help you.

Similar Threads

  1. Pre-marital sex
    By Unregistered in forum Ask Preeto / Agony Aunt
    Replies: 33
    Last Post: 03-10-2013, 09:57 AM
  2. Google Logo Designer Has Some Marital Issues!
    By sweetooo.baba in forum Chit Chat Corner
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 14-11-2009, 09:50 AM
  3. Pre-marital Sex??
    By his_xlnc in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 30-06-2007, 12:55 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •