Am I responsible for all the things that he holds me responsible for?

[Unregistered]

This is a really long thread..So apologies for the length of my woes in the beginning itself!!I met him in 2008 when I was 23 and he was 52..He was my boss at work..I'll call him M..Divorced, with two kids..a daughter (3 yrs younger to me) and a son (5 years younger to me) who were both in college.. absolutely charming, super intelligent..He asked me out for dinner within the first week of work..I said No..he persisted and i finally said yes to a dinner date after six months of him having asked me out the first time..I was absolutely floored by him..He told me it was the first time he was actually free in life as he had looked after his kids and aged mum all his life and came across as quite bitter abt his divorce and other things in life..my heart went out for him..He didnt want a committed relationship..I said if he wanted to be with me, he would have to give me a committed relationship..I told him i took my relationships very seriously and would die if he didnt commit..His family was looking at him settling down again at that point and had almost fixed him up with this hot shot doctor (around 47 yrs old)..He gave that up for me..The next 3-3.5 yrs were blissful..He helped me clear a very important competitive exam, by his constant moral support and am today in a highly respectable job( the studying part i did on my own)..He even paid for my coaching classes and mess bills at times..I got integrated into his family..It was a strange equation but it worked..His kids knew abt us and eventually i even began staying over at his place with his son being around..I got along famously with his kids..He gradually began acknowledging me in front of his family too..I was convinced about "US"..His relatives would say that they had never seen him happier..I happen to be an only daughter of a fairly middle class family from a small town..My parents were in the meanwhile pressurising me to get married and i turned down a whole lot of proposals, because of my relationship with him..

However in 2012, our relationship began undergoing stress..he was shifting between very important jobs and he asked me not to keep troubling him with relationship woes..I at that point wanted a break in our relationship but did not have the guts to tell him as i was scared of how he would react..I told him i wanted to go back home to my parents as my father would require my assistance..He said I didnt have to shift cities for that, and he would extend all possible help..i cudnt think of any other excuse to leave..in hindsight i should have left then..My parents had throughout been under the impression that M was acting like a local guardian..I didnt have the guts to tell them the truth..I thought that it was important to work out on our relationship and stuck on..

Then in April 2013, i met somebody.. i'll call him A..Our conversations started from a purely platonic basis over msgs..However something was clicking there and i was getting hopelessly attracted to this new person..Before anything serious developed though M discovered my msgs and put a complete ban on it..He had my phone tapped and had gotten my room bugged once to hear my conversations with my friends..I was extremely guilty and promised him M, I wudnt pursue it..This was in July 2013..I stopped talking to A completely..But i cudnt get him out of my mind..However at that point M's son was taking a very important exam (the same competitive exam i had taken and cleared) and decided to back off till his exams were over and not disturb M from concentrating on his son who has a physical handicap and required his dad's assistance..In the meanwhile M made a friend call up A and asked him to back off from me..I was extremely irritated by this call and scolded M for infringing on my privacy..M got angry at this and reprimanded me for taking against him for another guy..I did not speak to A thereafter..However M and I kept fighting through Aug, Sept, Oct and Dec over this..After his son's exams in Dec, I begged M to allow me to Call A once..In the meanwhile M told me that he was anyways willing to let go of me in 2014 as he knew there was a huge age gap between us and he understood my need to start a family and my parents expectations..and I should look at other options..I told him at that point that i really liked A and would really like to give it a chance..He was completely against it and said A wasnt right for me at all as his family wasnt right..Our job profiles didnt match and he didnt deserve me..He asked me to walk out if i wanted to but i was extremely scared and guilty and in debt of all that M had done for me..He extracted a promise out of me that i wudnt keep in touch with A..M even called my father up and asked him to advise me in the right direction..I tried meeting other guys but it just wasnt happening..I didnt keep in touch with A upto March 2014..But in March 2014, I got bk in touch and this time he came to meet me..I met A after a year..I had met him a year earlier for about 4 days..i met him for abt 7 days and decided A was it..i kept in touch with him through april and may 2014..In the meanwhile M's son didnt clear the exam and he blamed me for it as i put him through so much mental torture and he cudnt contribute towards his son's welfare because of me..then A came for his annual leave in mid june 2014 and we met..M got to know abt this and all hell broke loose..He threatened me with dire consequences if i pursued it..at each point i would feel guilty for doing this to him and we wud try getting bk..not in a man woman way but as two ppl who cared for each other..M said that he wanted to keep in touch with me for life and he wudnt be able to do it as it was unthinkable for him to see me settle down with somebody who didnt deserve me..He said he wud introduce me to other "proper" guys as he had a stake in my welfare as he had made me and given me respect in society vis a vis my job..M in the meanwhile sent msgs to A telling him abt how "loose" i was in character..He said he was doing it for my good and welfare and wanted to kill my relationship..He asked me to choose between A and him..I finally had the guts and told him I choose A..He has been mad ever since..He even said he wud send photographs of mine to A's family to ensure that our relationship never worked out..He said that even if things were to work out between A and I, he wud ensure that it never worked out in the long run..he wud ensure that A's career was destroyed and my reputation got spoilt as i has spoiled his son's chances at his exams and spoiled his 1.5 years..I have begged M to not spoil my relationship as my time for marriage is running out reputation is of paramount importance, but he says he's on a warpath now and he's going to ensure i'm never happy..he says that i had a number of chances to leave and not hurt him but i chose otherwise so he'll do wat he deems right now..He asks me not to equate marriage with A and go ahead with a "proper" guy or with all of the other proposals that have come about for me..But I cant get myself to like anybody else..M now accuses me of having used him, being frivolous and taking him for a ride and cheating him..he says I am responsible for changing him as a man, for taking away his chance at settling down etc etc and says he could get younger girls to date..He is currently dating somebody younger to me on a rebound and has been with a number of younger women in their 20's just to prove a point to me..I am going into depression and guilt for having put M through this and havent spent one evening without crying in the past 1.5 yrs..M says he is being magnanimous enough by letting me go but it should be with somebody proper..My parents btw are fine with A but i cant risk M harming A in any way(M is quite influential)..Am in a fix..I have a fantastic respectable job, but am miserable in my personal life..is there even a way out??

[Preeto Maam]

Why are you getting scared? You had a relationship with this guy- its ended- you want to move on...then do so! The more power you give him, the more he's going to try and bow you down. He's obviously made this an ego hassle.
You can ask for some intervention from some mutual friend- but if that's not forthcoming, have trust in your relationship and take the plunge. Make sure, however, that your fiance is prepared for all this.

[prabhendu]

This is a really long thread..So apologies for the length of my woes in the beginning itself!!I met him in 2008 when I was 23 and he was 52..He was my boss at work..I'll call him M..Divorced, with two kids..a daughter (3 yrs younger to me) and a son (5 years younger to me) who were both in college.. absolutely charming, super intelligent..He asked me out for dinner within the first week of work..I said No..he persisted and i finally said yes to a dinner date after six months of him having asked me out the first time..I was absolutely floored by him..He told me it was the first time he was actually free in life as he had looked after his kids and aged mum all his life and came across as quite bitter abt his divorce and other things in life..my heart went out for him..He didnt want a committed relationship..I said if he wanted to be with me, he would have to give me a committed relationship..I told him i took my relationships very seriously and would die if he didnt commit..His family was looking at him settling down again at that point and had almost fixed him up with this hot shot doctor (around 47 yrs old)..He gave that up for me..The next 3-3.5 yrs were blissful..He helped me clear a very important competitive exam, by his constant moral support and am today in a highly respectable job( the studying part i did on my own)..He even paid for my coaching classes and mess bills at times..I got integrated into his family..It was a strange equation but it worked..His kids knew abt us and eventually i even began staying over at his place with his son being around..I got along famously with his kids..He gradually began acknowledging me in front of his family too..I was convinced about "US"..His relatives would say that they had never seen him happier..I happen to be an only daughter of a fairly middle class family from a small town..My parents were in the meanwhile pressurising me to get married and i turned down a whole lot of proposals, because of my relationship with him..

However in 2012, our relationship began undergoing stress..he was shifting between very important jobs and he asked me not to keep troubling him with relationship woes..I at that point wanted a break in our relationship but did not have the guts to tell him as i was scared of how he would react..I told him i wanted to go back home to my parents as my father would require my assistance..He said I didnt have to shift cities for that, and he would extend all possible help..i cudnt think of any other excuse to leave..in hindsight i should have left then..My parents had throughout been under the impression that M was acting like a local guardian..I didnt have the guts to tell them the truth..I thought that it was important to work out on our relationship and stuck on..

Then in April 2013, i met somebody.. i'll call him A..Our conversations started from a purely platonic basis over msgs..However something was clicking there and i was getting hopelessly attracted to this new person..Before anything serious developed though M discovered my msgs and put a complete ban on it..He had my phone tapped and had gotten my room bugged once to hear my conversations with my friends..I was extremely guilty and promised him M, I wudnt pursue it..This was in July 2013..I stopped talking to A completely..But i cudnt get him out of my mind..However at that point M's son was taking a very important exam (the same competitive exam i had taken and cleared) and decided to back off till his exams were over and not disturb M from concentrating on his son who has a physical handicap and required his dad's assistance..In the meanwhile M made a friend call up A and asked him to back off from me..I was extremely irritated by this call and scolded M for infringing on my privacy..M got angry at this and reprimanded me for taking against him for another guy..I did not speak to A thereafter..However M and I kept fighting through Aug, Sept, Oct and Dec over this..After his son's exams in Dec, I begged M to allow me to Call A once..In the meanwhile M told me that he was anyways willing to let go of me in 2014 as he knew there was a huge age gap between us and he understood my need to start a family and my parents expectations..and I should look at other options..I told him at that point that i really liked A and would really like to give it a chance..He was completely against it and said A wasnt right for me at all as his family wasnt right..Our job profiles didnt match and he didnt deserve me..He asked me to walk out if i wanted to but i was extremely scared and guilty and in debt of all that M had done for me..He extracted a promise out of me that i wudnt keep in touch with A..M even called my father up and asked him to advise me in the right direction..I tried meeting other guys but it just wasnt happening..I didnt keep in touch with A upto March 2014..But in March 2014, I got bk in touch and this time he came to meet me..I met A after a year..I had met him a year earlier for about 4 days..i met him for abt 7 days and decided A was it..i kept in touch with him through april and may 2014..In the meanwhile M's son didnt clear the exam and he blamed me for it as i put him through so much mental torture and he cudnt contribute towards his son's welfare because of me..then A came for his annual leave in mid june 2014 and we met..M got to know abt this and all hell broke loose..He threatened me with dire consequences if i pursued it..at each point i would feel guilty for doing this to him and we wud try getting bk..not in a man woman way but as two ppl who cared for each other..M said that he wanted to keep in touch with me for life and he wudnt be able to do it as it was unthinkable for him to see me settle down with somebody who didnt deserve me..He said he wud introduce me to other "proper" guys as he had a stake in my welfare as he had made me and given me respect in society vis a vis my job..M in the meanwhile sent msgs to A telling him abt how "loose" i was in character..He said he was doing it for my good and welfare and wanted to kill my relationship..He asked me to choose between A and him..I finally had the guts and told him I choose A..He has been mad ever since..He even said he wud send photographs of mine to A's family to ensure that our relationship never worked out..He said that even if things were to work out between A and I, he wud ensure that it never worked out in the long run..he wud ensure that A's career was destroyed and my reputation got spoilt as i has spoiled his son's chances at his exams and spoiled his 1.5 years..I have begged M to not spoil my relationship as my time for marriage is running out reputation is of paramount importance, but he says he's on a warpath now and he's going to ensure i'm never happy..he says that i had a number of chances to leave and not hurt him but i chose otherwise so he'll do wat he deems right now..He asks me not to equate marriage with A and go ahead with a "proper" guy or with all of the other proposals that have come about for me..But I cant get myself to like anybody else..M now accuses me of having used him, being frivolous and taking him for a ride and cheating him..he says I am responsible for changing him as a man, for taking away his chance at settling down etc etc and says he could get younger girls to date..He is currently dating somebody younger to me on a rebound and has been with a number of younger women in their 20's just to prove a point to me..I am going into depression and guilt for having put M through this and havent spent one evening without crying in the past 1.5 yrs..M says he is being magnanimous enough by letting me go but it should be with somebody proper..My parents btw are fine with A but i cant risk M harming A in any way(M is quite influential)..Am in a fix..I have a fantastic respectable job, but am miserable in my personal life..is there even a way out??

common girl...nobody can harm you in any way...
there is law for such matters...you can easily leave M..and if he tries to do something stupid...just file a case and law will take care of it....

[ariesgirl]

How about leaving A and M completely and trying any other 24 letters from the alphabet? If you have a decent job profile and family background,it may not be that difficult to find a groom...I suggested finding another person because you are too scared of A because of his hold...and you fear about the consequences in case you choose A...so you got two options..
1.choose A and be brave enough to face whatever that comes your way ( PS: You should let A know of all these things clearly before marriage)
2.leave A and M n start a new life.
The choice is yours...

[o00]

Why don't u just get out of M's house and start living by yourself? You are an independent woman. M has no rights on you and you are free to date any A, B or C.

[Inspector Pathan]

there is one solution to this.....go to a pandit and tell him about M....he will take care of him.....find a genuine one...it will be hard but surely it will work....and if you believe in this thing.....otherwise face the world.....

[invincible07]

First of all you alone is not responsible for this mess, he equally is.

Secondly what he is is doing to you is mental abuse. You can seek the help from women's helpline.

As for the resolving your problem you should tell your parents & "A" about the actual situation and how "M" is harassing you. It will be difficult but if you have enough guts to have a relationship with a person who is almost 30 years older than you and mingle with his family then you must also have guts to tell your folks about the mistake you have done. They will be angry for sure but anger will subside and they will help you out. Also in doing so the hold "M" have on you will also vanish because he is controlling you on these factors only. If you cannot do that then seek help from women's helpline. But again in doing so at some point your folks might have to get involved. So honesty might be the best policy here.

Pls. understand no one can force you to be with someone whom you don't want . Key to change your situation is in your hand only. Be brave and fight it out with your family & "A" being at your side.

[Sweet Mimi]

I dont believe you are buying the fact when he tell you you can be with someone else and not A. actually thats just a saying... he will not be willing to let you go with anyone.... he is simply playing with words!!!! seriously i cant believe you falling for a 52 yrs old man!! in the long run such gap relationship doesnt work... by the time you are matured he will be a retired person with many complications!!! may be you were just enjoying him for all the benefits... so why denying this fact and presenting you as a goddess? accept the fact the you used him and you have let him used you in some way... and move on....

first try to apply for another job in another company.. once you are settled and move out of his house and be independent and move on!

[umang123]

He behaved so immaturely(becoz he nvr wanted to loose a offer like you, far more than he could've ever imagined) and sadly you tried to behaved so maturely of your age at that time. Now you realize and what ever happened, seems to be destined to happen. NONE of you looked seriously into future that time. NOW one thing for sure that NOW you are a mature mind and honest don't need any advise here. You surely know what you want to do, just checking out here , if you can get any better option. So plzz just make up your mind. Enough is enough. Your post has indicated clearly that you are a very clear minded girl. Ab ho jaata hai, life mein yeah sab bhi....so chill....you can't keep crying over split milk. Every one does some sort of stupidity in life. so leave all this aside....aage sooocho kya karna hai...samjhi...and plzzz big NO...you are NOT responsible for what ever ya mean or talking about OKAY...!!! chill now

[dAIC]

Is M really that powerful that he can unjustly do whatever he wants to... and get away with it scot-free? Is there any way of guaranteeing that he would like the next guy (not A) you date? Plus, if he can play the welfare-card on you, then what about your parents? They clearly have more "stake" in your prosperity and welfare than he could ever have, but I don't see you marrying according to their wishes. What if they put their foot down and ask you to marry A? Who do you listen to then?

About indebtedness, in a relationship it is normal for people to do things for their partners, everyone does, and he's no exception. There's nothing to be indebted about because it was during the relationship. I am sure you have also contributed to the relationship just as much - giving away many years of your precious youth. But only sore losers talk about it afterward. Now some men use wealth, power, position and whatnot to overcompensate their below-average sexual performance or old age. And clearly there had to be other compensating factors that allowed you to look beyond his age. But how would you feel if you knew that he did all of that, just to get into your pants?

I don't know why you can't see it, but doesn't seem like M would stop taking advantage of you any time soon, esp. not if you continue be all nice-nice to him. He'll probably make unfair demands and try to exploit you even after you are married. Think about it - if you can't stop him now, what's to stop him then? The situation will only get worse with time. Although it may seem like a huge thing now but compared to what you could lose in future, taking action now is still reasonable.

At some point you'll to take an aggressive or attacking position against him, you cannot keep defending forever. From your post, you seem quite vulnerable to his threats/attacks at the moment. And since the situation could result in defamation, slander, loss of employment, or even physical harm, I would strongly advice you to be preemptive in your approach and consult a good lawyer. So far, there are indications of harassment, therefore a good lawyer will not only help you collect evidence, but also have connections in the police in case anything untoward happens. But bear in mind that harassment rules are very fluid and disputable, so you may want to enrage him to do something really stupid, and then indict him. You probably don't want him in jail, but if your partner-choice can provoke him enough to harm you then he belongs in jail.

Good luck.

[harsh_091983]

Hey even if you stay with M, their is not point in your relation as M has gone to that level that their can be no repairing.... How can a person tells so much wrong about you to other person for sake of having you...... This is ego not Love.....

Second... if you want to move on then he cannot do anything.... do be victim of his actions...... move on and be bold....

[ickon2004]

This is a really long thread..So apologies for the length of my woes in the beginning itself!!I met him in 2008 when I was 23 and he was 52..He was my boss at work..I'll call him M..Divorced, with two kids..a daughter (3 yrs younger to me) and a son (5 years younger to me) who were both in college.. absolutely charming, super intelligent..He asked me out for dinner within the first week of work..I said No..he persisted and i finally said yes to a dinner date after six months of him having asked me out the first time..I was absolutely floored by him..He told me it was the first time he was actually free in life as he had looked after his kids and aged mum all his life and came across as quite bitter abt his divorce and other things in life..my heart went out for him..He didnt want a committed relationship..I said if he wanted to be with me, he would have to give me a committed relationship..I told him i took my relationships very seriously and would die if he didnt commit..His family was looking at him settling down again at that point and had almost fixed him up with this hot shot doctor (around 47 yrs old)..He gave that up for me..The next 3-3.5 yrs were blissful..He helped me clear a very important competitive exam, by his constant moral support and am today in a highly respectable job( the studying part i did on my own)..He even paid for my coaching classes and mess bills at times..I got integrated into his family..It was a strange equation but it worked..His kids knew abt us and eventually i even began staying over at his place with his son being around..I got along famously with his kids..He gradually began acknowledging me in front of his family too..I was convinced about "US"..His relatives would say that they had never seen him happier..I happen to be an only daughter of a fairly middle class family from a small town..My parents were in the meanwhile pressurising me to get married and i turned down a whole lot of proposals, because of my relationship with him..

However in 2012, our relationship began undergoing stress..he was shifting between very important jobs and he asked me not to keep troubling him with relationship woes..I at that point wanted a break in our relationship but did not have the guts to tell him as i was scared of how he would react..I told him i wanted to go back home to my parents as my father would require my assistance..He said I didnt have to shift cities for that, and he would extend all possible help..i cudnt think of any other excuse to leave..in hindsight i should have left then..My parents had throughout been under the impression that M was acting like a local guardian..I didnt have the guts to tell them the truth..I thought that it was important to work out on our relationship and stuck on..

Then in April 2013, i met somebody.. i'll call him A..Our conversations started from a purely platonic basis over msgs..However something was clicking there and i was getting hopelessly attracted to this new person..Before anything serious developed though M discovered my msgs and put a complete ban on it..He had my phone tapped and had gotten my room bugged once to hear my conversations with my friends..I was extremely guilty and promised him M, I wudnt pursue it..This was in July 2013..I stopped talking to A completely..But i cudnt get him out of my mind..However at that point M's son was taking a very important exam (the same competitive exam i had taken and cleared) and decided to back off till his exams were over and not disturb M from concentrating on his son who has a physical handicap and required his dad's assistance..In the meanwhile M made a friend call up A and asked him to back off from me..I was extremely irritated by this call and scolded M for infringing on my privacy..M got angry at this and reprimanded me for taking against him for another guy..I did not speak to A thereafter..However M and I kept fighting through Aug, Sept, Oct and Dec over this..After his son's exams in Dec, I begged M to allow me to Call A once..In the meanwhile M told me that he was anyways willing to let go of me in 2014 as he knew there was a huge age gap between us and he understood my need to start a family and my parents expectations..and I should look at other options..I told him at that point that i really liked A and would really like to give it a chance..He was completely against it and said A wasnt right for me at all as his family wasnt right..Our job profiles didnt match and he didnt deserve me..He asked me to walk out if i wanted to but i was extremely scared and guilty and in debt of all that M had done for me..He extracted a promise out of me that i wudnt keep in touch with A..M even called my father up and asked him to advise me in the right direction..I tried meeting other guys but it just wasnt happening..I didnt keep in touch with A upto March 2014..But in March 2014, I got bk in touch and this time he came to meet me..I met A after a year..I had met him a year earlier for about 4 days..i met him for abt 7 days and decided A was it..i kept in touch with him through april and may 2014..In the meanwhile M's son didnt clear the exam and he blamed me for it as i put him through so much mental torture and he cudnt contribute towards his son's welfare because of me..then A came for his annual leave in mid june 2014 and we met..M got to know abt this and all hell broke loose..He threatened me with dire consequences if i pursued it..at each point i would feel guilty for doing this to him and we wud try getting bk..not in a man woman way but as two ppl who cared for each other..M said that he wanted to keep in touch with me for life and he wudnt be able to do it as it was unthinkable for him to see me settle down with somebody who didnt deserve me..He said he wud introduce me to other "proper" guys as he had a stake in my welfare as he had made me and given me respect in society vis a vis my job..M in the meanwhile sent msgs to A telling him abt how "loose" i was in character..He said he was doing it for my good and welfare and wanted to kill my relationship..He asked me to choose between A and him..I finally had the guts and told him I choose A..He has been mad ever since..He even said he wud send photographs of mine to A's family to ensure that our relationship never worked out..He said that even if things were to work out between A and I, he wud ensure that it never worked out in the long run..he wud ensure that A's career was destroyed and my reputation got spoilt as i has spoiled his son's chances at his exams and spoiled his 1.5 years..I have begged M to not spoil my relationship as my time for marriage is running out reputation is of paramount importance, but he says he's on a warpath now and he's going to ensure i'm never happy..he says that i had a number of chances to leave and not hurt him but i chose otherwise so he'll do wat he deems right now..He asks me not to equate marriage with A and go ahead with a "proper" guy or with all of the other proposals that have come about for me..But I cant get myself to like anybody else..M now accuses me of having used him, being frivolous and taking him for a ride and cheating him..he says I am responsible for changing him as a man, for taking away his chance at settling down etc etc and says he could get younger girls to date..He is currently dating somebody younger to me on a rebound and has been with a number of younger women in their 20's just to prove a point to me..I am going into depression and guilt for having put M through this and havent spent one evening without crying in the past 1.5 yrs..M says he is being magnanimous enough by letting me go but it should be with somebody proper..My parents btw are fine with A but i cant risk M harming A in any way(M is quite influential)..Am in a fix..I have a fantastic respectable job, but am miserable in my personal life..is there even a way out??

Actually Speaking the mistake is from Both sides from your side and from his side , you shouldnt have been in relationship with such guy , anyways , now what you can do is do not communicate with him , just break off with him M dont think about him at all , carry on relationship with A ,because your relationship with M wont work , wont keep you Happy , M doesnt want to let you go but this wont work , take legal help keep as away as you can from him , just cut him off from your life , after sometime he will also forget ir will take time but it will work for sure , if he keeps bothering you , you and A can move to some other place , if he threatens you , you can lodge police complaint , take legal help, so dont worry and crying is not solution to problem , if you do this it will work , dont worry , if there is problem there is allways a solutions , if there is lock there is a key , i know it might be difficult but not impossible for sure, take A into confidence tell this facts make him aware so that he also remains careful , anyways best of luck

[Neha1]

Bump..............
Pls reply in some new thread so that original poster waiting for your opinion may get some answer.

[atiqsyedpk]

Ohhh my god
Too long