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Thread: Newly married but already lost trust in my wife

  1. #1
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    Default Newly married but already lost trust in my wife

    Hello Ma'am,

    Never thought I would be writing here but the situation needs your advice.
    I am 28 and my wife is 25. Our's was an arranged marriage. Its only been 4 months of my marriage and I am already in a dilemma whether to divorce my wife or not.
    It all started 2 weeks back when my wife confessed that she used to live in with her boyfriend during her college days. And it continued as they were even placed in the same company in the same city. But due to their caste differences, their families rejected their relationship. Eventually their relationship ended and she returned to her hometown with a job in another company. I was already told about this sans the relationship part.
    Now coming to me, I am working at an MNC, earn decently well. I have had a relationship in my college but it wasn't physical ( lack of opportunity, I admit). Our relationship ended with our college days, and I have been single until now. In between this time, the thought of visiting a sex worker had crossed my mind numerous times. But I told myself, how can I be so selfish to not gift my Virginity to my wife. I restrained myself every time and waited for my love story to start again.

    Now comes the disaster, I somehow cannot accept the fact that someone has already been inside my wife. Also I feel betrayed and cheated upon. The dreamt love story seems to have shattered to pieces. I cannot concentrate on my work and mostly stay out of my consciousness. I feel angry and utmost pain when ever I see her. And it is worsening as days pass. I haven't been physical with my wife since then. I havent told her anything about my feelings but She has noticed that something's wrong and may as well know the reason. I try and keep conversations minimal, always trying to avoid her. Blankly watching the TV has become a habit now.

    I am not sure whether things will get back to normal or not. its been only 4 months and our love is also not strong enough. I have even considered divorce ( though I don't want it to happen).

    Ma'am please help save our marriage.

    Thanks in advance.

  2. #2
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    OK, calm down! i understand that you would be in a state of shock- but listen, your wife probably did not really think the consequences of her actions through- both in living with the boyfriend in the past, and of telling you a truth that you are totally unprepared for.
    Anyway, divorce is a very extreme action. Your wife probably has nothing to do with this guy anymore and in getting married to you and telling you, she wants to start with a clean slate.
    Think it through....its really in the past and you should let it be there, not allow it to spoil your present and your future. Let it pass. if you need to see a marriage counsellor, you should do it right away, while there is still a chance to save the marriage with some help.

  3. #3
    Dactar :) Lieutenant-Colonel Neha1's Avatar
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    The second last line of your query is the most important.The thing is u want to save ur marriage which is a good deal.

    See, at times people do things that seems to be most perfect at that moment. She did what was right at tht time. At that time she didnt know her relation wont work. Neither she knew she gonna marry u in near future. The thing that went wrong was her confession. either she should hv told u this thing before marriage or not at all.

    Anyways, even if u divorce her there is no gaurantee of getting virgin wife again. Also I doubt a man with second marriage wud get an unmarried girl.

    there was a time when I was very admant of getting a virgin guy for marriage and all. but as we grow up we realize there are things n feelings bigger than virginity required in a marriage. But now I just want a loving partner whose present n future wud b only my priority. Be kind n forgive her !!!
    Anything that costs you your peace is too expensive

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    Men is very strange creature, if men had opportunity to have sex with girl before marriage, he will never feel guilty. I am not talking about paid sex. Under pretext of love, sex is acceptable for him. But if his wife or woman had sex for the same reason he can not digest it. It was your idea to gift virginity to your wife. Your wife may not have such idea and she may not feel guilty of it. She may have forgotten the past and moved on but you are hell bent on pushing her back to past and make her feel regretted.

    IMO, this is nothing but male EGO and remember my words, you are trying to save your marriage for ego only and you will never be able to forget her past. When ever you have some heated debate or when ever your wife appreciate any men, you will be remembered of her past and you will some day or other will keep on blasting and bringing her past to fore and pass all blame on her if at all your marriage fails.

    What I suggest you is that instead of looking at ways to make marriage work, you need to change your perspective so that you do not have any value of past - except for learning. Past has no value other than teaching us something. In your case, it must teach you that every one can have past sex life with partner other than current partner and body is a mechanism which get refined with usage, so enjoy.

  5. #5
    Dactar :) Lieutenant-Colonel Neha1's Avatar
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    If people I so obsessed with virginity then save it after marriage too. Save it forever n ever.Never lose the most precious thing u have
    Anything that costs you your peace is too expensive

  6. #6
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    Yeh kuch chu*** parents ka mujhe samaz mein nahi aatha......... why the heck they reject relationships based on caste...... I mean it just adds complications later on, just like in this case.... What is more significant for these parents...? Caste or happiness of their kids.... ? Don't know when things will reform.... Some shitheads even go to the extent of honor killing because of caste.... Such people are indelible mark on humanity.....

    Its obvious you feel cheated, since she never revealed to you about her past..... Well, from her perspective...its like.... you will obviously say NO to marriage... Things don't end there..... She might be insecure that you might tell or discuss it among your family....and eventually her family reputation would be at stake....

    Well.... the fact is, nothing can be reversed in life.... Thing is, she haven't cheated on you by committing adultery... I mean, when she was in a relationship....at that point of time.... you were a total stranger for her....

    Men generally can't digest these sort of facts.... but somewhere.... you need to handle things maturely.... If she is caring and wonderful person.... you might fall in love with her.... And when love is genuine.... all these virginity things get trivial.... only the person whom you love, becomes significant... isn't it...?
    Kuch baat hai ki hasti meet ti nahi hamari
    Sadiyo raha hai dushman daur-e-zamaana hamara



  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Neha1 View Post
    If people I so obsessed with virginity then save it after marriage too. Save it forever n ever.Never lose the most precious thing u have
    Reminds me of a old woman...who died.... never been in any relationship.... her last wish was like.... She wanted to carve on her tombstone.... "Born Virgin, Lived Virgin, Died Virgin"..........

    The sculptor was kinda jerk... he shortened it and carved as "Parcel returned unopened".....

    Freaking punk.....
    Kuch baat hai ki hasti meet ti nahi hamari
    Sadiyo raha hai dushman daur-e-zamaana hamara



  8. #8
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    1. Whatever happens, please do not press the self destruction button. Do not make your life miserable or get into depression. You and your actions control of your life and nobody else does.

    2. You cannot force love in an arranged marriage which will make this thing like an albatross hung around your neck. Unless, you are not completely swept off by her charm this is the proverbial Achilles heal in every Indian relationship. I have been there a few times and trust me this isn't just male ego. If woman is self-dependent and has a firm back up from her relatives she would have made your life miserable had this been other way round. Also, revealing stuff post marriage is sheer shenanigans.

    3. Supreme Court of this Country has ruled woman in live-in relationship to be considered wife. She also has rights to inherit the partner's property after his death and any child born out of this relationship is legitimate. So, legally you are married to a somewhat-divorcee and technically you have a case.
    First, ridiculed. Second, violently opposed. Third, accepted as being self-evident.

  9. #9
    Dactar :) Lieutenant-Colonel Neha1's Avatar
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    @Rolemodel. your last point is scary n deep too. Technically a divorcee!!!
    Anything that costs you your peace is too expensive

  10. #10
    Rainbow chaser Major General
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    Brother, good to see that you want to save marriage.

    Now come to your problem, it is really hard to accept this fact. But you yourself admitted that only lack of opportunity just let you be vergin, and believe me, all the men women out there that have passed age of 23-24 are vergin just because lack of opportunity.

    Now, what if you divorce her, infact you must be happy that your wife is truthful to you and it was not like you came to know these realities from a third person. And yes there is no guarantee that you will bbe at peace after divorce, or get a vergin wife in next marriage.

  11. #11
    SB Guru Major ace of base's Avatar
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    Dear buddy,,what was her intension in tellin you that she had a live-in before marriage? was her intension you be honest with you? or was it to make you go insane? from your writings me thinks she was being honest with you. every man makes a maistake and you dont have to crucify the person for it.if she was being honest with you,,then forgive her cos she must have loved that person and if she cudnt marry that person then why blame her?you seem to be a man with a good head on your shoulders so accept her back and love her like she does to you.probably if she would not have told you you would never had reacted the way you did now. yes it mite be a shoker to you but keep a calm mind and doont let the marriage break

  12. #12
    « rahmaniac » Lieutenant-Colonel ariesgirl's Avatar
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    I guess you have got enough good advices... Think peacefully once when your mind has calmed down.. Respect her quality of being honest with you.. Save your marriage.. Love will follow..
    Give people roses while they can still smell them. . .

  13. #13
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    Just assure she won't cheat you again.
    Well it is an initial shock "someone inside my girl , how dare he ! "
    Give it a time ; you can't get her hymen or sexual virginity back.
    So what !

    But yes , it is her ( social constraints actually ) fault that she did not tell you before marriage .

    Regarding Caste-ism : I love Christianity / Islam for this and have a deep hate for Hinduism . ( @all ; don't take it in a communal way)
    आज का ज्ञान ........ सब चूतिये हैं !

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    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    Hello Ma'am,

    Never thought I would be writing here but the situation needs your advice.
    I am 28 and my wife is 25. Our's was an arranged marriage. Its only been 4 months of my marriage and I am already in a dilemma whether to divorce my wife or not.
    It all started 2 weeks back when my wife confessed that she used to live in with her boyfriend during her college days. And it continued as they were even placed in the same company in the same city. But due to their caste differences, their families rejected their relationship. Eventually their relationship ended and she returned to her hometown with a job in another company. I was already told about this sans the relationship part.
    Now coming to me, I am working at an MNC, earn decently well. I have had a relationship in my college but it wasn't physical ( lack of opportunity, I admit). Our relationship ended with our college days, and I have been single until now. In between this time, the thought of visiting a sex worker had crossed my mind numerous times. But I told myself, how can I be so selfish to not gift my Virginity to my wife. I restrained myself every time and waited for my love story to start again.

    Now comes the disaster, I somehow cannot accept the fact that someone has already been inside my wife. Also I feel betrayed and cheated upon. The dreamt love story seems to have shattered to pieces. I cannot concentrate on my work and mostly stay out of my consciousness. I feel angry and utmost pain when ever I see her. And it is worsening as days pass. I haven't been physical with my wife since then. I havent told her anything about my feelings but She has noticed that something's wrong and may as well know the reason. I try and keep conversations minimal, always trying to avoid her. Blankly watching the TV has become a habit now.

    I am not sure whether things will get back to normal or not. its been only 4 months and our love is also not strong enough. I have even considered divorce ( though I don't want it to happen).

    Ma'am please help save our marriage.

    Thanks in advance.
    Dear friend,
    I do not "agree" with your thoughts, however, I do "understand" them. Kindly excuse if I sound judgemental, I am just presenting my views.

    I take offence when you use phrases like "been inside my wife". That shows two things

    (1) You do not respect women.
    (2) You lack self respect.

    I am not sure how does it make a difference if someone has "been inside" you wife in the past..? Does that make her impure in some kind..? Are you one of those people who call such girls - "used" .. ? Are you one of those guys who get down to the level of judging a girl's character by the number of times she has had sex..?

    Let me tell you something brother. Girls now love to lose their virginity, and they are proud of it. It is their right, their body, their desires and THEIR LIFE ! Who are we to question..? She is your wife now, and I am sure you are the only man in her life now. PERIOD. What she did before she met you is "her problem" , you are not welcome to judge her by what she did before she met you.

    Start respecting and accepting the facts brother. Trust me, it will help you.
    Also, stop judging your self esteem by using your wife's virginity as a parameter. Her being a non virgin does not reflect on you at all.
    As a man, we tend to be very fussy about who our partner might have had sex with, it's called an "Ego problem".. Get over it and you'll realise that it's all in the mind. It is just air !

    Live well and prosper.
    G'day

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    If you saved your virginity, it was your choice (and lack of opportunity), and it was your choice of a gift. But 'expecting' someone else to give the same gift is spoiling your peace.
    If you really intend to save your marriage, its better to 'do good' rather than 'expect good'. Today, this is the reason, tomorrow you may have some expectations which are not met, and you will feel like shit again.
    Make up your mind, forgive her honestly. Accept the fact that it will take time, but be honest about what you want to do.

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