View Poll Results: How would you respond if your friend doesn't value your time?

Voters
6. You may not vote on this poll
  • Dump her.Let her go.No more contact.

    0 0%
  • Confront her.Give her one chance.

    1 16.67%
  • Confront her.Give her more than one chance.

    2 33.33%
  • Ingore her and accept it.

    0 0%
  • Different Answer (will add as a comment)

    3 50.00%
Results 1 to 12 of 12

Thread: How can I be good friends with girl with erratic behaviour ?

  1. #1
    New Born
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    5
    Rep Power
    0

    Red face How can I be good friends with girl with erratic behaviour ?

    Hey peeps,
    i've been referring this forum and read most of the posts here since they help me deal with problems in my life as well
    I am thankful for those who truly help out those looking for solutions

    My current challenge is this :

    I've been friends with a girl i met online for almost a year now.We live more than 1000kms apart and so haven't met yet.
    We're both introverts & quite close and talk to each other 2-4 times a month on the phone for 2+Hrs and also text,email other 2-3 times a week.
    It was a lot of fun teasing her,messing with her,very fulfilling.
    She has limited friends even though she is quite attractive physically (verified through our convos).
    She tells me everything about her life and trusts me about the things she wouldn't normally talk about with others.
    This was way more frequent a few months back.
    Sometimes she used not to reply to my messages(i just used to send 1-2 max) for a long time (i see this as someone not valuing my time) and then apologize saying that she problems in her life..blah blah....typical response...which i would trust.
    I used to feel disappointed when she did this.
    So i behaved similarly with her (mirroring her behavior) and then I forgave her since there's a lot of affection for her and b/c we're so close.

    I don't want to do this to her & behave the way she does just to make her aware of her mistake but do you think she's not valuing my time and me being there for there or is it just because she's going through a rough time?

    We might even get a lot closer when we meet up but i understand that it may or may not happen and that's fine.
    We've had a lot of close,good conversations on the phone & text as well - we talk about everything and i know much more about her personal life than most of her friends (can't be verified obviously since i don't know her friends but i trust her )
    So,I really care about her and want her to be happy & at the same time love myself way too much to accept this behavior from her.

    She lost one of her closest family members a while ago.Recently she hasn't been doing well in college and failed leading to her being in a depressed state.
    I called her once the same day,messaged twice the week these things happened to which she didn't respond.
    Now she wrote to me again complaining about the way her family is behaving after the death,the drama that they're creating,etc without acknowledging her own behavior with me.
    I want to be there for her as a friend but her treating me this way is not acceptable.We have talked about this behavior after which she improved a bit but this shitty behavior of hers is back again.
    I won't be responding to her for a while now.

    Normally i would go ahead and stop any contact with her from now but since there's a lot of love and affection for my girl ,i want to know :
    How do i communicate to her that her doing this would only damage our relationship and
    how do i prevent this from happening again and make it stop?
    Also,do you think she's using me as an emotional dump?If so,how do i get out this.
    Do you think i should be there for her since she shared all the things happening to her right now?

    Any insights from experienced folks with examples would be really useful

  2. #2
    Moderator Major General galaxy_resident's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Location
    USA
    Posts
    35,244
    Rep Power
    100

    Default

    Although I am not an 'experienced' person, a few points on this:

    1. Online things are never reliable. Dont take them seriously unless you have met her in person and know her well (in real life, not online).
    2. If you know the girl is introvert, she will be shy to reply to your messages. Usually a person take some time to reply. By a long time, how much time do you mean?
    3. If she has lost a close family member, she obviously wont have time for you. Moreover, she failed and and she has to deal with her family drama, so she will not have much time for you.
    4. An online friend isnt given much importance and thats what you are to her. Thats why I said dont take it to your heart. We cannot force anyone to give importance to us. It has to be both ways.
    5. My suggestion would be let her recover from her current state of mind, then initiate the talk. Slow down on the relationship thing for now, since you are not even committed to her.
    The problem with internet quotes is that you can't trust their authenticity.
    - Abraham Lincoln


  3. #3
    SB Guru Major rv102938's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2014
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    5,613
    Rep Power
    61

    Default

    i dont really believe in this whole online relationship thing. but anyway, that is not your question, so i will refrain myself from talking on that.

    looks like you are a moody and sensitive individual who gets upset easily. you told her, she tried to change, but is back to her previous behaviour.

    so accept that its her nature not to respond. if you cannot accept, then do what you can. but understand that you cannot change a person easily. try changing any of your behaviour. lets begin with your behaviour of not being upset if she doesnt respond. see if you can change that? no? then how do you expect others to change?

    true love cannot be conditional. if you love her, then love her. stop complaining. if you have reason to believe that she wont improve despite the fact that you have told her, then take a call - either live it or break it up.

    one thing you can also do is try telling her again.
    Ek din sher banke jeene se behtar hai do din sher banke jiyo...

  4. #4
    SB Guru Major ace of base's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    hyd
    Posts
    6,476
    Rep Power
    42

    Default

    Dear friend,,
    whether it is an on-line friend or a real friend, do not come to conclusions on your point of view. She may have spoken to you nicely,may have shared with you details that means she has taken you as a good friend.. that's it period. some of us value time. we give importance to time,,but we cannot impose this on our friends. there are times when a girl reaches the movie hall after the movie has started and is close to interval time. what do we do? dump them?

    you are expecting too much from her as a friend.. do not put pre-conditions to be a good friend.accept her as she is. You mentioned you wouldn't be responding to her for a while..that's not a correct way.. if you miss her,,tell her that...don't go for ***-for-tat ways to deal with a girl...
    NEVER CHASE LOVE,ATTENTION OR AFFECTION. IF IT IS NOT GIVEN FREELY BY ANOTHER PERSON,ITS ISNT WORTH HAVING...

  5. #5
    SB Wizard Captain o00's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Posts
    2,512
    Rep Power
    57

    Default

    Dont waste your time, your time and emotions is not charity, I understand that she has her problems and family member loss and depression, but that doesnt mean you should be one wasting time. If you really are a generous person and wanna help someone, find someone in real life, not online. Wish her luck and pray for her sincerely (if you believe in God). Wish nothing but the best for her and move on.
    You never know what you can become ..

  6. #6
    DESTINY STILL ARRIVES! Brigadier General adirocksit's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    The Universe
    Posts
    29,969
    Rep Power
    100

    Default

    First of all...dont add polls if you want actual advices......

    Second of all, yes she is using you as an emotional dump but it doesn't matter to you because you're sort of into this girl...And irrespective of what advice you get here, you're going to give her a chance...actually lot of chances....I mean look at your polls....You included an option twice because one chance or more than one chance means the same thing.....you want to give her a chance, its in your mind already...you want the people here to choose that advice which means you already have made up your mind....So yeah I guess you gonna have to be there for her, you really have to be patient, you have to loose your self-respect.....(By the way long distance or no distance..self-respect goes off the table when you're with a girl...insults are inevitable)....

    It all depends on how much you can take it.....most people are saying and will say that online relationships dont work....well actually the truth is that a very small percentage of such relationships work.......and your situation is a little far.....
    I Hope They Remember You...



  7. #7
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2006
    Posts
    61,027
    Rep Power
    100

    Default

    I somehow missed this thread but you've received excellent advice here already and anything I say will only be a repetition.

  8. #8
    SB Guru Major ace of base's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    hyd
    Posts
    6,476
    Rep Power
    42

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Preeto Maam View Post
    I somehow missed this thread but you've received excellent advice here already and anything I say will only be a repetition.
    Wow there are ways to slip under your nose!! Kidding!!
    NEVER CHASE LOVE,ATTENTION OR AFFECTION. IF IT IS NOT GIVEN FREELY BY ANOTHER PERSON,ITS ISNT WORTH HAVING...

  9. #9
    New Born
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    5
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    WOW Guys,i am glad to get a variety of perspectives.
    Thank you so much,each of you :

    @galaxy_resident
    @rv102938
    @ace_of_base
    @o00
    @adirocksit

    For reading and sharing your thoughts on this.I really appreciate it

    Quote Originally Posted by galaxy_resident View Post
    Although I am not an 'experienced' person, a few points on this:
    An online friend isnt given much importance and thats what you are to her. Thats why I said dont take it to your heart. We cannot force anyone to give importance to us. It has to be both ways.
    ^True that.Her response time made me feel as if she's not serious about maintaining our friendship.
    This constant cycle of apologizing-makingup just ****s.So i'm gonna stop it.
    Thank you for reminding me.

    Quote Originally Posted by rv102938 View Post
    you told her, she tried to change, but is back to her previous behaviour.
    so accept that its her nature not to respond.
    stop complaining. if you have reason to believe that she wont improve despite the fact that you have told her, then take a call - either live it or break it up.
    ^Hmmm...i accept that I'm sensitive but in a healthy way since i've put a lot of time and effort in this.
    I've changed a bit in order to be empathetic towards her but it's not worth it anymore.
    I'm taking a call on this - mentioned at the end.
    Thanks man!

    Quote Originally Posted by ace of base View Post
    Dear friend,,
    whether it is an on-line friend or a real friend, do not come to conclusions on your point of view. She may have spoken to you nicely,may have shared with you details that means she has taken you as a good friend.. that's it period. some of us value time. we give importance to time,,but we cannot impose this on our friends. there are times when a girl reaches the movie hall after the movie has started and is close to interval time. what do we do? dump them?

    you are expecting too much from her as a friend.. do not put pre-conditions to be a good friend.accept her as she is. You mentioned you wouldn't be responding to her for a while..that's not a correct way.. if you miss her,,tell her that...don't go for ***-for-tat ways to deal with a girl...
    ^I agree with your point of having a strong personal boundary while having no expectations initially
    As a friend,i do expect the other person to behave in a good way - i'd have zero tolerance if she misbehaved badly but till now she always accepted and apologized.
    I've never told her directly that i miss her but she surely knows that i like talking to her as well.
    It was pretty mutual.
    Thank you friend!

    Quote Originally Posted by o00 View Post
    Dont waste your time, your time and emotions is not charity, I understand that she has her problems and family member loss and depression, but that doesnt mean you should be one wasting time. If you really are a generous person and wanna help someone, find someone in real life, not online. Wish her luck and pray for her sincerely (if you believe in God). Wish nothing but the best for her and move on.
    ^I just love the way you put it.
    I will always wish the best for her because she's not a bad person.
    Guess it is time to move on.
    Thank you!

    Quote Originally Posted by adirocksit View Post
    First of all...dont add polls if you want actual advices......
    Second of all, yes she is using you as an emotional dump but it doesn't matter to you because you're sort of into this girl...And irrespective of what advice you get here, you're going to give her a chance...actually lot of chances....I mean look at your polls....You included an option twice because one chance or more than one chance means the same thing.....you want to give her a chance, its in your mind already...you want the people here to choose that advice which means you already have made up your mind...t, you have to loose your self-respect.....(By the way long distance or no distance..self-respect goes off the table when you're with a girl...insults are inevitable)....
    ^Loved the third-person analysis of my writing and co-relating it with what happened.It's Fascinating.
    You know,I needed to hear this.
    I've actually given her quite a few chances since they didn't affect me too much and wanted both of us to be on good terms.
    The self-respect part nailed it - i saw that me letting it slide would only make this worse.
    Thank you

    Quote Originally Posted by Preeto Maam View Post
    I somehow missed this thread but you've received excellent advice here already and anything I say will only be a repetition.
    Thanks Maam for reading & confirming the quality of advice


    ========================================
    So guys,i did text her for a bit to try and cheer her up but all this seems like a lost cause.
    I have my own limits and me,my time,my emotions are very important for me and i value them a lot.
    I also realized how much I mean to me - i'm the only one who can get me out of this.

    She complained that it's going pretty bad with her real friends as well.
    I wanted to be there for her for problems that she's created and advice from all you awesome folks made me realize that it can unhealthy for both me and her.
    I'm going to let her handle her own problems since we're not in a relationship despite being very close.
    I wanted us to be on good terms as well but hey i guess she doesn't deserve it right now.

    Anyway,in case she tries to contact me again - i will be ignoring her completely for at least 4-5 days and would respond the way she does.
    I don't want to hurt her but it has to be done.Gradually,we'll both forget each other for good.
    This way,nobody gets hurt and there would be no hard feelings as well.

    I'm also working on being a more social person - made some new friends (real world :P) recently.
    Also jumping in to exciting new work & internships

    Thanks a lot you guys for your support and help!

  10. #10
    SB Guru Major ace of base's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2015
    Location
    hyd
    Posts
    6,476
    Rep Power
    42

    Default

    Allz well, that ends well!! Keep smiling!!!
    NEVER CHASE LOVE,ATTENTION OR AFFECTION. IF IT IS NOT GIVEN FREELY BY ANOTHER PERSON,ITS ISNT WORTH HAVING...

  11. #11
    ~ cavalier ~ ♀ ☣ )o( ⌆ Lieutenant-Colonel Lisbonstar28's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    7,041
    Rep Power
    100

    Default

    Sorry, a bit stuck for time here, i read the first para only, i’ll go with saying stop acting so frigid, grow a pair and make love to her to a state of quenched oblivion.
    So may it be

  12. #12
    New Born
    Join Date
    Mar 2012
    Posts
    5
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    Haha,i am doing my best to open up and explore!
    We both wanted to meet and spend time together,unfortunately the distance just killed it despite the time.
    So now i'm like : It was fun.Thank you very much.NEXT!

    Quote Originally Posted by Lisbonstar28 View Post
    Sorry, a bit stuck for time here, i read the first para only, i’ll go with saying stop acting so frigid, grow a pair and make love to her to a state of quenched oblivion.

Similar Threads

  1. B-day girl, brother thrashed by mumbai cops for ‘indecent behaviour’
    By gunsnroses1979 in forum General Discussion
    Replies: 9
    Last Post: 23-07-2012, 05:07 PM
  2. Help me with gf’s erratic behaviour
    By Unregistered in forum Ask Preeto / Agony Aunt
    Replies: 8
    Last Post: 04-05-2011, 07:18 PM
  3. I display erratic behaviour
    By Renukacute in forum Ask Preeto / Agony Aunt
    Replies: 17
    Last Post: 08-12-2009, 12:43 PM
  4. Good girlfriend behaviour!
    By Preeto Maam in forum Ask Preeto / Agony Aunt
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: 28-07-2009, 07:50 PM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •