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Thread: How to break the ice with wife's parents?

  1. #1

    Default How to break the ice with wife's parents?

    I have been in a relationship with my gf for last 6 years and two months back, I got married to her. My family is really frank and loving while her family is very reserve. My wife keeps on pushing me to interact with them but when I do, her parents and I both have awkward moments. She keeps on pushing me and we had several altercations where I denied to have chitchats and lately I feel she is having some ego problems. In family or friends get together, if someone praises me, then she would just say something funny or bad thing about me to bring me down. Since we both work, we planned on buying on our own house but she is more focused in her family and says before building a house for her parents, retirement, funding her brother's education and other expenses, she wouldn't think about our plan and insists that I should help her as well instead. If I talk about culture and tradition, then she wants me to do exactly same to her parents for example like bowing down to her parents. Sometimes when my mother tell her to sweep the kitchen(not that I don't do), she would argue with my mother why she chose her to do it instead of me. She even went far and said that I am lucky to have her because she works and earn for herself so I don't need to spend anything on her and stuff. So, really I don't know why things are going south? I have never seen this side of her. I am getting really frustrated and even having bad thoughts of our future. Any thoughts or suggestions would be really appreciated.

  2. #2
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Jun 2006
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    Listen, its always different when the girlfriend becomes a wife and vice versa, and always harder to come to terms with the change. However, one has to work hard at a young marriage even if you've known each other for a long time before that because now, several other elements come into play. So, don't get so demoralised and do open the communication regarding expectations and roles with her- talk about what works and what does not work for you- and her so that you both know how to handle it best.
    If you keep trying to out guess each other, the ego clashes and the anger will start to build up, so work on the small issues as they crop up, to prevent them from becoming unsolvable situations.

  3. #3
    New Born anokhe lal saxena's Avatar
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    Apr 2016
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    I like it.
    bhaiya aap usey kahe ki apne paise se jo jiski help karni hai kare. chahe apne pitaji ko de chahe mataji ko chahe bhaiya more rakhi ke bandhan ko.
    lekin apne ego ki batti bana kar apne office me hi rakhe.
    aur agar aaj ke baad wo dosto ke saamne aapko neecha dikhaye toh wahi par sabke saamne uss se pooche ki saabit kya karna chahti hai.

    kabhi bhi us par haath mat uthaye. kyonki ek sabhya purush ko ye shobha nahi deta. aur aisi chirand ek min mein divorce le kar aap par mahine bhatte ka bojh dal degi.
    saath me ye bhi check karwaye ek jasoos se ki kahin uski zindagi me office me koi anya purush toh nahin. wo kyo aap me interest kho rahi hai aur aapko jaleel karti hai.

  4. #4
    SB Champion Captain o00's Avatar
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    Nov 2012
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    You need to take the lead, talk to her. Take a vacation and sort the things out.
    You never know what you can become ..

  5. #5
    New Born NavelFanatic's Avatar
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    Well, often after marriage that has blossomed from a long running relationship, conflicts arise. They are natural and mark my words, they are long running conflicts. Now how you both handle them is the set up of how your marriage is going to work out. Since you both have been in a relationship for quite some time, its some how natural that partners tend to lose respect for each other and not long before ego steps in and bitterness brews. But don't pick up a verbal fight. It won't result into anything. So here's what you can do. First, politely ask her not to offend you in front of anyone. She will pick up an argument upon your request. Handle her calmly. Don't fight. Because you have already made you point. And she will no matter what keep that in mind and cease to do any such thing in the future. Secondly, you both are independent earning members of the family. Allow her the free will to do anything she wants to do for her parents and siblings. You should not have any say in that. If she's investing money for the well being of your parents then she definitely has the right to ask you to help invest in the well being of her parents. If not, then you have the right to tell her that she should take care of her parents on her own accord as you are taking care of your own parents on your own. Clarify it. Thirdly, divide household work. Yes, divide it. Sit, talk and divide. You both work hard. When it comes to household chores, you both shall help each other. See, that nobody is too much loaded with work. Work division shall help. Fourthly, its her parents who have a cold attitude towards you. But putting it straight forward in front of her will worsen things. Because she knows it. But she's not willing to accept it as her family's shortcoming out of ego. So, you know what, throw in a few efforts, take them on a movie and dinner afterwards. Invite them for a hangout. Call them once in a while. That's all you can do. You surely won't dance naked in front of them in order that they open up to you. If still they are cold and if your wife is understanding enough to see it, then good. If she is not willing to consider your efforts, do have a calm serious talk with her. Try to figure out what she expects from you when it comes to her family. But don't succumb to her ego. And don't dare fight. You are a better man than that. Hope our advice helps you out for good.

  6. #6
    SB Guru Major rv102938's Avatar
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    looks like your 6 years relation just included just superficial stuff. you were not "in" a relationship where you talked about your future and finances. in anyway, seems like this relation is not going to work out the way you have described things.

    let me tell you, its better to talk now. the earlier you have an issue sorted out the better. dont think that not talking about this will sort itself out. tell her that you are seriously thinking about the future of your relationship. if she really cares, then you might find a midpoint. if she does not care, then better get out of this marriage. i know it sounds pre-mature, but looks like you are not compatible.
    Ek din sher banke jeene se behtar hai do din sher banke jiyo...

  7. #7
    New Born
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    You have issues with each other... Actually your girlfriend (now wife) is having some problem in adjusting to traditional male dominating environment.
    She does the job in the office and if she has to do the same at home as well while you sit like a king at home, well it annoys her. Tell her you are always ready to share work. I think if she expect you to do the sweeping in front of your mother.. and also she does the back talking with your mother... and also she has problem bowing down to your parents ..... i think its better you seek a marriage counselor.

    there are small issues in every marriage.. It doesnt mean you should just end it. Try to find out if you are compatible or not.. i think you are compatible, you spent six years together ... You both are just having small problems in adjusting.. I think you guys will just do fine. Give this new chapter (marriage) some time. All the best.

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