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Thread: Can you forgive and then forget? Can't let go of anger

  1. #1
    New Born confused_butterfly's Avatar
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    Default Can you forgive and then forget? Can't let go of anger

    I have been with a guy for 9 years and have been engaged for 6 months. We have been in a live in relationship for last 3 years. Things were complicated and finally we are getting married this December. My problem is that I am unable to get over the past and it is causing friction between us. Three years a go his family had him engaged to someone else. He was never interested in the other woman and broke of the engagement within 6 months but his parents never acknowledged his breakup with the other woman and the whole episode took around 2 years to resolve. All this time he kept our relationship from his family and has still not told them about our relationship. His family thinks that our relationship is a recent development. I am still angry with him for not taking a stand for me when this whole thing was going down and just telling his parents the truth... it still hurts me and I am unable to get over what I feel is betrayal of my trust.

    Am I crazy? Like I can forgive him but I can't seem to forget and the memory of all that trauma makes me angry and snappy and of course every argument inevitably ends with the previous engagement being mentioned. He did lie to me and didn't tell me about this engagement and when his parents were forcing him on this he didn't confide in me even when I was upfront and asked him. I know that it is not him but my anger but how do I let go? Sick of being uncomfortable in my own skin

  2. #2
    « rahmaniac » Lieutenant-Colonel ariesgirl's Avatar
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    Butterfly,
    People usually say that one shouldn't dwell in their past anymore... For the time being,keep every past incident aside n think whether his love for you is genuine... Do you think that he truly loves you? If he is sorry about his past actions and has apologised,give him a chance... If he is totally cool about what he did to you and thinks that it isn't anything worth repenting,then reconsider your decision... Above all see if his feelings are genuine.. If he does,forgive him... If not,forget him...
    Give people roses while they can still smell them. . .

  3. #3
    New Born NavelFanatic's Avatar
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    You know what, sometimes a person gets caught up in between of two opposing parties. Such as your boyfriend. I am not saying that he is completely right but try to assume yourself in his situation. I think he is trying to work things out, I believe that he truly doesn't want to either piss you off or his family and trust me, that doesn't mean that his respect, admiration and adoration lacks when it comes to you. He is trying to keep everything afloat- you and his family. He loves you and he is going to marry you no matter what so cheer up. If you are hurt believing that he is not taking a stand for you, think twice. There are men who leave the girl for their family. There are men who leave their family for the girl. And then there is your guy who is somehow trying to work things out so that nobody suffers. And it will all work out fine and you guys will live happily forever after. Just support him. A little. And it would work wonders.

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    SB Guru Major rv102938's Avatar
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    his nature is play the good boy with everyone. seems like he did not tell you because he did not want to hurt you. same with the parents, he did not tell about you for same reason. its in his nature. you are trying to change his nature.

    the first thing wives do after getting married is change their husband. and they keep doing it until he dies. that is why men run away from marriage. stop forcing your opinions on him and learn to adjust. like you dont like something, he may also not be liking telling the truth to his family. telling them is going to make his life hell. but you care about yourself only, not him? dont try to make him your slave under the disguise of catering to your anger.
    Ek din sher banke jeene se behtar hai do din sher banke jiyo...

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    ~ cavalier ~ ♀ ☣ )o( ⌆ Lieutenant-Colonel Lisbonstar28's Avatar
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    I strongly suggest that you get yourself a copy of the Wiccan book 'the four agreements' and live life accordingly to them... You'll never be angry again
    So may it be

  6. #6
    SB Champion Captain o00's Avatar
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    He is doing and did what he thinks and thought was the best. Obviously you two need too talk and sort this out, it is a really serious matter. Stakes are high, 9 years is no joke.
    You never know what you can become ..

  7. #7
    New Born abhinawal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by confused_butterfly View Post
    I have been with a guy for 9 years and have been engaged for 6 months. We have been in a live in relationship for last 3 years. Things were complicated and finally we are getting married this December. My problem is that I am unable to get over the past and it is causing friction between us. Three years a go his family had him engaged to someone else. He was never interested in the other woman and broke of the engagement within 6 months but his parents never acknowledged his breakup with the other woman and the whole episode took around 2 years to resolve. All this time he kept our relationship from his family and has still not told them about our relationship. His family thinks that our relationship is a recent development. I am still angry with him for not taking a stand for me when this whole thing was going down and just telling his parents the truth... it still hurts me and I am unable to get over what I feel is betrayal of my trust.

    Am I crazy? Like I can forgive him but I can't seem to forget and the memory of all that trauma makes me angry and snappy and of course every argument inevitably ends with the previous engagement being mentioned. He did lie to me and didn't tell me about this engagement and when his parents were forcing him on this he didn't confide in me even when I was upfront and asked him. I know that it is not him but my anger but how do I let go? Sick of being uncomfortable in my own skin
    Well one has to let go of past in order to be happy in present and future but there are very important questions ahead - Why he lied, why he didn't confronted his parents and told them truth. There may be some answer. May be or may not it satisfies you but discuss this with him without getting agitated or irritated. Also try to understand if in future he will not repeat such behavior and maintain his stand with you always.

  8. #8
    New Born abhinawal's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by confused_butterfly View Post
    I have been with a guy for 9 years and have been engaged for 6 months. We have been in a live in relationship for last 3 years. Things were complicated and finally we are getting married this December. My problem is that I am unable to get over the past and it is causing friction between us. Three years a go his family had him engaged to someone else. He was never interested in the other woman and broke of the engagement within 6 months but his parents never acknowledged his breakup with the other woman and the whole episode took around 2 years to resolve. All this time he kept our relationship from his family and has still not told them about our relationship. His family thinks that our relationship is a recent development. I am still angry with him for not taking a stand for me when this whole thing was going down and just telling his parents the truth... it still hurts me and I am unable to get over what I feel is betrayal of my trust.

    Am I crazy? Like I can forgive him but I can't seem to forget and the memory of all that trauma makes me angry and snappy and of course every argument inevitably ends with the previous engagement being mentioned. He did lie to me and didn't tell me about this engagement and when his parents were forcing him on this he didn't confide in me even when I was upfront and asked him. I know that it is not him but my anger but how do I let go? Sick of being uncomfortable in my own skin
    Well one has to let go of past in order to be happy in present and future but there are very important questions ahead - Why he lied, why he didn't confronted his parents and told them truth. There may be some answer. May be or may not it satisfies you but discuss this with him without getting agitated or irritated. Also try to understand if in future he will not repeat such behavior and maintain his stand with you always.

  9. #9
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Super suggestions from the users....I couldn't have given better advise.

  10. #10
    New Born confused_butterfly's Avatar
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    I get it... I need to stop dwelling in the past because it is effecting me more and no one else seems to care and I think I shouldn't either. Just need to stop fighting over it so it isn't fresh in my memory like it happened yesterday. That chapter has ended and I need to stop talking about it and let it die off in my own memory instead of bringing it up every time there is a disagreement over any unrelated thing.

    He has been patient and answered every question. He is very sorry for hurting me but says that among the options he had, the route he choose was the one which resolved things with the least amount of resentment from his parents towards me. To be honest, I think he is right (after getting all the opinions of the SB users). If he tells his parents about me they will hate me and I will probably loose some respect for being the other woman. His parents will maintain that I should have backed off because he was spoken for to someone else and that will start a new argument between his parents and him. I should just let things be because inevitably we are going to be together which is all I ever wanted in the first place. Being with him was my choice after he was engaged, he promised he will make it better and he has... so it is time for me to be with him and not in the past.

    Thank you SB users for letting me work through my problems in a comfortable space and for taking your time and giving your opinions.
    Last edited by confused_butterfly; 27-05-2016 at 04:34 AM.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by confused_butterfly View Post
    I have been with a guy for 9 years and have been engaged for 6 months. We have been in a live in relationship for last 3 years. Things were complicated and finally we are getting married this December. My problem is that I am unable to get over the past and it is causing friction between us. Three years a go his family had him engaged to someone else. He was never interested in the other woman and broke of the engagement within 6 months but his parents never acknowledged his breakup with the other woman and the whole episode took around 2 years to resolve. All this time he kept our relationship from his family and has still not told them about our relationship. His family thinks that our relationship is a recent development. I am still angry with him for not taking a stand for me when this whole thing was going down and just telling his parents the truth... it still hurts me and I am unable to get over what I feel is betrayal of my trust.

    Am I crazy? Like I can forgive him but I can't seem to forget and the memory of all that trauma makes me angry and snappy and of course every argument inevitably ends with the previous engagement being mentioned. He did lie to me and didn't tell me about this engagement and when his parents were forcing him on this he didn't confide in me even when I was upfront and asked him. I know that it is not him but my anger but how do I let go? Sick of being uncomfortable in my own skin
    this could be tricky...
    the easiest way would be to share this with him..
    this might make him realize his mistake...
    love can cure any pain...if love exists at all

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