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Thread: Hubby's mom keeps dirtying the dishes!

  1. #1
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    Default Hubby's mom keeps dirtying the dishes!

    Hi,

    I got married 5 months back and moved to US with my husband. It was an arranged marriage, so we are still getting to know each other.. My in-laws have come to stay with us for 6 months. I was so excited that they were coming to be with us, I was missing my parents a lot, and I was so happy that I could stay with my husbands parents for 6 months. Its only been a month now after their arrival and I am already so sad and depressed. My MIL behavior is different when my husband is at home and when he is not at home. When he's at home, she makes it seem as if she does all the work at home, e.g, during the weekends and in the evenings, she washes all the vessels, she cooks lunch before I even wake up in the morning, etc. During the weekdays when he goes to work, she does not help me do any kitchen or cleaning work, which is fine.. but she overloads the kitchen sink with so many vessels. I don't know for what she's using all these vessels. when I wake up and get inside the kitchen, the sink is full of vessels. the sink gets filled atleast 8-10 times a day!! Even that I am ready to adjust.. but she talks so sweetly to me.. then she goes around telling her relatives bad things about me.. both my husband and I have gained a few pounds after marriage. my MIL sent my photos to her relative and told her that I have put on lots of weight and I have become really fat, and that my husband it still fit and slim.. previous day only she told me that I am slim only, and that I should have more rice.. This is just an example.. she does many such things.. I believe in saying things to the face, rather than going behind ones back and passing comments to others..

    She is very much interested in arts, paining etc. I am not interested at all in such things.. We are living in a rented apartment now, I dont believe in piling up un necessary things and accessories at home. she is telling her relatives that I am not keeping my house neat, and that I dont know how to do paintings etc and that I am not interested in such things.. I keep my house really neat, just that I dont believe in buying too many things for a rented house, so the house is a little bare.. it has only essential furnitures and fixtures..

    I am a religious person, but when in Rome, we should do as the Romans do.. right? I wear my mangalsutra and pray to God 2 times a day. she is forcing me to wear a big huge bindi on my forehead and wear bangles all the time. I hate bangles and its not convenient to wear them always.. and it looks odd with jeans.. Why does she not leave me to live my life as per my wish?

    I am depressed and sad all the time now because of her indifferent attitude towards me.. 5 more months left for them to leave, I feel time is not moving.. what can I Do ??

  2. #2
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Hi! Well, its early days in your marriage yet and these 6 months, though they may see very long- will not last forever! Try and blunt your sensitiveness towards the mother in law situation- if you will allow yourself to get riled up already, its going to be hard for you.
    So, take a deep breath and breathe out slowly whenever she starts to get under your skin.
    Also, negotiate the work with her- offer to do the lunch or the dinner yourself and let her just guide you. Say that you would like to learn- but she should allow you to do the work- that way, you maybe able to get fewer dishes dirty. Just think of it as a period that will get over.....

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    « rahmaniac » Lieutenant-Colonel ariesgirl's Avatar
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    I understand your troubles... Mother in laws are mostly likely to have 2 modes of behaviour... All you can do is just bear with it for another 5 months.. It may be hard,but there's at least a deadline day in your case.. Think about those helpless daughter in laws who are stuck with such mother in laws forever... That too every day till infinity... You can at least feel relieved that she would go back..
    We all go through some bad phase or the other in our lives.. Many lasts for a considerbly large duration.. Yours came in the form of mother in law and that expires soon in the form of a return ticket and visa expiry... Stay strong... You can make it... Thankfully she will go back before 2017 and so you can celebrate new year and independence together... So let's wait for the day..
    Give people roses while they can still smell them. . .

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    SB Guru Major rv102938's Avatar
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    i have pulled someone out of a similar situation successfully with a relatively happy ending. so i kinda understand your situation. firstly, confrontation with her directly is not going to work. it will only make things ugly.

    looks like she hates you. may not be "you" but just the feeling that she is sharing her beloved son with you maybe troubling her. all that in turn leading to these things. so keep listening to her but not to the dot. negotiate certain things. negotiation is a war tactic. if you dont, then she will increase her hatred. so example - wear bindi, but tell her that you wont wear bangles. give some solid reason like wearing them makes it difficult to wash utensils. genuine reason.

    second, it is extremely important that whatever you mentioned above, tell that to your husband. DO NOT COMPLAIN. just mention the facts, like you have done above and avoid the complaints. in first discussion, tell him how "you" are not being able to meet her expectations. i know it might be against your principles to blame yourself, but remember if you have to win the war, you have to lose some battles. another evil tactic is to make sure your relation with your husband is good, so do this after a good session of sex. also even in general, keep good terms with your husband all the while. this will have your husband asking his mother for some concessions for you.

    i am sure, after all this situation might improve. if not, then it maybe time to go for the cleaners aka fight. but have husband in between like a shield, dont throw him on the side like a casualty or dont use him like a weapon. lets talk about that later. first try these and let us know what happens. all the best.
    Ek din sher banke jeene se behtar hai do din sher banke jiyo...

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    SB Wizard Captain o00's Avatar
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    It is just a matter of a few months, just handle it and then she will be gone for 6 months. You cant change her and you shouldn't change yourself either. Old ladies have such nature and attitude towards their DILs, so just endure it.
    You never know what you can become ..

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    ~ cavalier ~ ♀ ☣ )o( ⌆ Lieutenant-Colonel Lisbonstar28's Avatar
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    Why don't you buy a dishwasher ?
    So may it be

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    SB Guru Major rv102938's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lisbonstar28 View Post
    Why don't you buy a dishwasher ?
    you cannot change the rented apartment's structure to install a dishwasher. and given the American apartments layouts, they would not have enough space to put a dishwasher.

    if you already have one, it would make sense to run. overall, it costs the same as manual labor. dishwasher saves water bill. if you run full loads, it makes sense to run dishwasher. dont run the dryer load, that takes too much electricity.
    Ek din sher banke jeene se behtar hai do din sher banke jiyo...

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    ♥ fєmmє fαtαlє ♥ Major Sweet Mimi's Avatar
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    well during weekends when she do the things cleverly you fill the sink with vessels... drink water every 30 mins with a different glass.
    I'm a shhh girl
    Loving me could be a crime

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    SB Guru Major rv102938's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sweet Mimi View Post
    well during weekends when she do the things cleverly you fill the sink with vessels... drink water every 30 mins with a different glass.
    the downside of this approach is your husband may think that you are doing it purposefully and not doing any work yourself. so take that into consideration before following this.
    Ek din sher banke jeene se behtar hai do din sher banke jiyo...

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    Default patience my friend patience

    bite the bullet and wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. Wait more. Now have some kids. And just like that you have won. His Mom is old now and your family becomes top priority for your husband now. Remember revenge is a dish best served cold. Or you can be stupid and give up

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    ~ cavalier ~ ♀ ☣ )o( ⌆ Lieutenant-Colonel Lisbonstar28's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rv102938 View Post
    you cannot change the rented apartment's structure to install a dishwasher. and given the American apartments layouts, they would not have enough space to put a dishwasher.

    if you already have one, it would make sense to run. overall, it costs the same as manual labor. dishwasher saves water bill. if you run full loads, it makes sense to run dishwasher. dont run the dryer load, that takes too much electricity.
    Beg to differ chap, if i may - that is. I know people who reside over the pond from here in UK... property owners and tenants, a dishwasher plumbs into a normal plug household wall socket and the drainage is plumed into the sink 'pea trap' waste. Meaning, you're not re-structuring things because it's not a permanent fixture but a removable one. The other thing, what's this American kitchen size thing? Obviously apartments vary in size having no uniformity rules and regulations
    So may it be

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    SB Guru Major rv102938's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lisbonstar28 View Post
    Beg to differ chap, if i may - that is. I know people who reside over the pond from here in UK... property owners and tenants, a dishwasher plumbs into a normal plug household wall socket and the drainage is plumed into the sink 'pea trap' waste. Meaning, you're not re-structuring things because it's not a permanent fixture but a removable one.
    yes, but the apartment will not have a space dedicated to bring your own dishwashers. so you have to "adjust" it somewhere in the open space. you cannot modify the counter-top and make space, that is what i meant.


    Quote Originally Posted by Lisbonstar28 View Post
    The other thing, what's this American kitchen size thing? Obviously apartments vary in size having no uniformity rules and regulations
    if its a typical apartment, then it is efficiently built by the real estate. most American apartments have open concept kitchen layout. putting the dishwasher in an open space would not only look ugly but also result in some vital space being lost. plus the pipe would be running in the kitchen, would come in the way.

    its doable, not saying its not. its just not practical. plus, if you decide to go this route, better check with the apartment office.
    Ek din sher banke jeene se behtar hai do din sher banke jiyo...

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    ~ cavalier ~ ♀ ☣ )o( ⌆ Lieutenant-Colonel Lisbonstar28's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rv102938 View Post



    plus the pipe would be running in the kitchen, would come in the way.
    .

    Personally speaking, the pipe that goes off my dishwasher doesn't take up any space nor can be seen. The dishwasher is located next to the sink and it's waste 'drainage' pipe is connected 'tapped' into the sinks waste pipe so therefore there's no additional structural plumbing required . It's a removable appliance so i guess landlords shouldn't have a problem with it. Highly odd if they do.
    So may it be

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    ~ cavalier ~ ♀ ☣ )o( ⌆ Lieutenant-Colonel Lisbonstar28's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by rv102938 View Post



    if its a typical apartment, then it is efficiently built by the real estate. most American apartments have open concept kitchen layout. putting the dishwasher in an open space would not only look ugly

    My Kitchen is also open planned into the living and front room. Trick is, you buy a dishwasher that's housed within a normal kitchen unit and worktop. You won't be able to see or tell if it's there. Ikea is the way lol
    So may it be

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    We have a dishwasher.. but she does not allow me to use it..

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