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Thread: Arranged Wedding Confusion

  1. #1
    cowboy111
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    Default Arranged Wedding Confusion

    Hello.

    A few months ago have had marriage fixed and recently got engaged as well. The entire thing is arranged and after the marriage was fixed we started to chat on messaging. The issue is, recently I have grown a lot confused. First of all, we are not in the same country and so only chat via whatssapp but on a daily basis. Now what is confusing me is, or thats what I am feeling is that my effort to build this relationship is much more than my fiancee. She doesnt seem very enthusiastic about it (at least the feeling I am getting). The conversation flows only on my messages, if I stop then there is silence, almost always I start the chat and on the off chance that I miss or skip message in the morning she starts the conversation with where are you. I feel the relation is stagnant and isnt moving along at all. I have tried to make plans as to talking on skype, but she never agrees to it, except one time and her excuse is net isnt working. I even tried to initiate selfie texts and I sent her my pics occasionally but she has not even once sent a single pic of hers, her response is that I dont take selfies. My issue is that nor do I, but to try to build up the relation I stepped out of the comfort zone, but she hasnt taken any steps at all. This is the feeling I am getting, she never messages missing you, even tough on occasion I have. At times her reaction to my questions or on kinda 'lovey dovey' stuff is very cold. To quote and example, I said lets say good morning and good night everyday, I did for a few days but when I stopped she did too and I have been observing for the past few days her response to my good morning and emoji filled message is a simple Hi.

    I am doubting as to whether she is at all interested in me and is just going along due to the fact the families fixed the marriage. Or maybe it is due to the long distance thing, I am not sure, but recently I feel it is very stagnant and isnt moving along at all. What should I do? Suggestions will be greatly appreciated, thank you.

  2. #2
    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Well, Hello! See, if you are feeling that something is not all right, and you feel that there's a lack, then its all right to take heed of your gut feeling.

    There could be a reason that there's a feeling of disconnect- if you feel it, do try and rectify it by speaking about it. Expressing your expectations of affection is perfectly all right. Lack of communication is a big hurdle in a successful relationship.
    Try and communicate the importance of good communication to her and see if she starts to try a bit more than she is doing a present.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboy111 View Post
    Hello.

    I said lets say good morning and good night everyday, I did for a few days but when I stopped she did too

    Why did you stop. Things were going great. She just seem perfect Indian Girl. May be she is just shy or maybe she wants you to think that she is shy and is of reserve nature. As it is supposed from typical indian girl. You are doing just fine. I think she is also happy just playing "shy".

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    SB Champion Captain o00's Avatar
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    Confront her, ask if she wanna call it off. If she says no, then go ahead and warn her. Let her know you dont see her being interested in this all and want to quit. If she still remains the same, you got the answer and then you can call it off immediately. Waste no time and now is the time. Its not too late yet but it will be soon.
    Last edited by o00; 09-09-2016 at 02:35 AM.

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    SB Guru Major rv102938's Avatar
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    i dont think there is anything to worry, you are over-analyzing things. you cannot force anyone to feel the same things that you do. especially for girls, they only open up when they are really comfortable with a guy. maybe she is not yet comfortable with you. give it time. if you are not physically connected, then it will take all the more time. you did your due diligence before being engaged and you have chosen her. now you have to live with the decision and accept her nature. stop over-analyzing. unless its something weird, which this is not, i wouldnt be worried.
    Ek din sher banke jeene se behtar hai do din sher banke jiyo...

  6. #6
    « rahmaniac » Lieutenant-Colonel ariesgirl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by o00 View Post
    Confront her, ask if she wanna call it off. If she says no, then go ahead and warn her. Let her know you dont see her being interested in this all and want to quit. If she still remains same, you got the answer and then you can call it off immediately. Waste no time and now js the time. Its not too late yet but it will be soon.
    perfect reply. I would suggest you to do the same asap because a girl in my neighborhood was exactly like this to her fiancee despite his constant efforts to make her feel special... That girl was just 20 and already had a bf in school, parents found it later and she after huge fight at home n tears, she said that she dropped it... And few years later, when a proposal came, she said ok... Got engaged to that guy in an arranged marriage.. She did tell her fiancee that she had a bf and that she dropped it.. He said it was common in that age and that he was ok with it....6 months later when 3-4 months were still left to go for the wedding, she eloped with her old bf and got married.. Her fiancee was exactly in your situation and he had told her that he was flying down to meet her and her family in the presence of his family to talk about why she was giving cold response and if she was even interested to proceed with this engagement... And on that particular day he was planning to come to her home, she eloped and got married... Nobody saw it coming.. Not even her family...
    You can never guess what the hell is running through one's mind.. I just don't want you to be in that heartbroken fiancee's place..
    Give people roses while they can still smell them. . .

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    Rainbow chaser Major General
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    First of all, congratulations

    Now to your problem I can feel connect to. But on other side. I talk less and she is more vocal. But that do not mean I'm not interested. I talk more, but in real conversation than telephonic call, so that could be her nature. Also you said you both are in different country, so time zone could also be an issue.

    But yes it would be better to have things clear before it becomes too late.

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    DIVIDED WE FALL !! Brigadier General adirocksit's Avatar
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    This is never gonna work out until you two meet....or have a video chat...to the very least...
    I'm in love with your body
    I'm in love with the Shape of You



  9. #9
    Dactar :) Lieutenant-Colonel Neha1's Avatar
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    There is no switch to on off love.. may be she is interested but still not in love with u. It may take a long time before she feels something for you but that doesn't mean she is not interested. To be precise ask her if she wants more time to open up or is there something she is hiding...
    Anything that costs you your peace is too expensive

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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboy111 View Post
    Hello.

    A few months ago have had marriage fixed and recently got engaged as well. The entire thing is arranged and after the marriage was fixed we started to chat on messaging. The issue is, recently I have grown a lot confused. First of all, we are not in the same country and so only chat via whatssapp but on a daily basis. Now what is confusing me is, or thats what I am feeling is that my effort to build this relationship is much more than my fiancee. She doesnt seem very enthusiastic about it (at least the feeling I am getting). The conversation flows only on my messages, if I stop then there is silence, almost always I start the chat and on the off chance that I miss or skip message in the morning she starts the conversation with where are you. I feel the relation is stagnant and isnt moving along at all. I have tried to make plans as to talking on skype, but she never agrees to it, except one time and her excuse is net isnt working. I even tried to initiate selfie texts and I sent her my pics occasionally but she has not even once sent a single pic of hers, her response is that I dont take selfies. My issue is that nor do I, but to try to build up the relation I stepped out of the comfort zone, but she hasnt taken any steps at all. This is the feeling I am getting, she never messages missing you, even tough on occasion I have. At times her reaction to my questions or on kinda 'lovey dovey' stuff is very cold. To quote and example, I said lets say good morning and good night everyday, I did for a few days but when I stopped she did too and I have been observing for the past few days her response to my good morning and emoji filled message is a simple Hi.

    I am doubting as to whether she is at all interested in me and is just going along due to the fact the families fixed the marriage. Or maybe it is due to the long distance thing, I am not sure, but recently I feel it is very stagnant and isnt moving along at all. What should I do? Suggestions will be greatly appreciated, thank you.
    I am doubting as to whether she is at all interested in me and is just going along due to the fact the families fixed the marriage. Or maybe it is due to the long distance thing, I am not sure, but recently I feel it is very stagnant and isnt moving along at all. What should I do? Suggestions will be greatly appreciated, thank you.[/QUOTE]
    Bro ur concept of relation is going at a pace of rajdhani express as most Indian gals r shy and take time to trust something. u r painting the story frm ur perspective but think if she shares pic then u will find it outrageous and if she starts chat then u might her overfriendly. so she is keeping her distance until everything can be trusted understood.

  11. #11
    ~ cavalier ~ ♀ ☣ )o( ⌆ Lieutenant-Colonel Lisbonstar28's Avatar
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    There's no sense going ahead with an alliance of uncertainty, as other users have suggested the best approach here would be to let her know how you are feeling and then see if she reciprocates or at least makes an effort in the way that you desire. But you have to be open with her, tell her exactly as you have told us here. Of all the reasons why she's like this you need to find out if you are compatible to some degree at least, so don't go setting wedding date just yet. Never ignore your gut instinct, moreover never try and change her because that would be a wrong thing to do as well, things have to be genuine
    So may it be

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    Quote Originally Posted by cowboy111 View Post
    Hello.

    A few months ago have had marriage fixed and recently got engaged as well. The entire thing is arranged and after the marriage was fixed we started to chat on messaging. The issue is, recently I have grown a lot confused. First of all, we are not in the same country and so only chat via whatssapp but on a daily basis. Now what is confusing me is, or thats what I am feeling is that my effort to build this relationship is much more than my fiancee. She doesnt seem very enthusiastic about it (at least the feeling I am getting). The conversation flows only on my messages, if I stop then there is silence, almost always I start the chat and on the off chance that I miss or skip message in the morning she starts the conversation with where are you. I feel the relation is stagnant and isnt moving along at all. I have tried to make plans as to talking on skype, but she never agrees to it, except one time and her excuse is net isnt working. I even tried to initiate selfie texts and I sent her my pics occasionally but she has not even once sent a single pic of hers, her response is that I dont take selfies. My issue is that nor do I, but to try to build up the relation I stepped out of the comfort zone, but she hasnt taken any steps at all. This is the feeling I am getting, she never messages missing you, even tough on occasion I have. At times her reaction to my questions or on kinda 'lovey dovey' stuff is very cold. To quote and example, I said lets say good morning and good night everyday, I did for a few days but when I stopped she did too and I have been observing for the past few days her response to my good morning and emoji filled message is a simple Hi.

    I am doubting as to whether she is at all interested in me and is just going along due to the fact the families fixed the marriage. Or maybe it is due to the long distance thing, I am not sure, but recently I feel it is very stagnant and isnt moving along at all. What should I do? Suggestions will be greatly appreciated, thank you.
    dear Cowboy...looks like you got into wrong type of marriage...
    this is bound to happen in arranged marriages..girl will be shy and reluctant...
    not sure how long you guy have started talking, but it takes time...
    consider this as an opportunity to woo the girl...
    since you guys are already engaged, you can also ask if something is bothering her...
    there is also a certain possibility that you are more romantic than her...
    in cases where girls don't take a step forward, boys have to take two steps...
    try to encourage her to get some facetime...
    and also this may sound superficial, but looks do matter..so put your best personality forward...

  13. #13
    Young Gun visio1's Avatar
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    Not a good communication channel is a sure shot sign that this relationship will not last very long. Been there done that. I just stopped talking to her and cancelled my interest before we got into the engagement stage.

    Run like hell! She is not for you. Were she interested she would have clearly took time out and made efforts for you.

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    Hi.

    I got married last year. Mine was an arranged marriage too and my husband was in USA and I was in India. Before and even after our engagement, my husband used to always initiate our chats on whatsapp. I never used to tell like replying because of various reasons. I started missing my family already and the thought of moving and settling abroad and the realization that I would not be able to visit and talk to my parents often was disturbing me. So I wanted to spend the maximum amount of time with them and not my husband. I felt that I would be spending all my time with him after marriage, so I wanted to be with my family more than I wanted to be with him.
    Another reason is that its difficult for a girl to trust a guy in a long distance relationship. Trust as in - talking intimately etc.. she needs to feel close and see the guy often for such feelings to develop. I've seen that guys usually are more faster to start having feelings for the girls. Girls take time, be patient.
    Even after my marriage, I dint allow my husband to even touch me. He was such a good person and understood me and he was ready to wait for me to be ready. I moved to US with him a week after my marriage. We used to share the same room, but he never looked at me or treated me in a bad way. He treated me with utmost respect and affection. It took me more than 2 months to get close with him to even kiss him. we went on trips and hikes together. Travel always brings people closer.. U can travel a lot with her after marriage. We dint consummate our marriage for one year after our marriage and my husband waited for me to be ready I started falling in love with him more and more everyday. One day, I suddenly realized that I love him more than anything and that I'm in love with him completely.. Be patient and affectionate towards her and Im sure she will appreciate it and learn to love u truly.. all the best

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    This is normal with subcontinental girls and in arranged marriage setting.... Remember we subcontinental guys are too innocent in some cases... Once marriage (arranged) is fixed we throw away our hearts and emotions towards the girl.... We are in love instantly... We think now the girl is mine BUT I have learned a hard way it is not the case. In arranged marriage the girl may sleep with you on your wedding night and you may consummate the marriage but her heart and mind will not be yours. YOU WILL HAVE TO WIN IT.
    The scenario mentioned by sneha_bubbles is very realistic and true from girl's point of view. I can realize that the effort you are putting in and the result you are getting do not match but behold it is only the start. You must be filled with emotions and love must be over flowing but remember she may not be believing a single thing you are saying. She will test you on all you said after marriage and then answer you accordingly. She is very realistic! So never showoff and do big promises which you cannot fulfil.... its useless... Secondly these girls prefer messaging so that they have time to think and reply. Beware Sometimes she will not be the only one reading those messages so you are being judged by some third party.... I know its feels bad not to talk at this stage but remember in arranged marriage settings you will not gain much out of it and you may think it as biggest waste of time afterwards but as emotions are high... TALK.... but be cool ... don't take anything serious and take a good rest before its time to play.
    Advise from guy's point of view
    The only good thing you can take out of this pre marital talk is to win enough trust and friendship that you will not have to wait for ONE YEAR to sooth up your gushing hormones because that patience of a saint is not everyone's game.
    Secondly learn to be cool and calm... its husband's job
    Don't reveal ur problems now, nobody wants to own your luggage until you win their soul
    Talk less.... I would suggest once a day or even once a week... let the fire burn to be hot :P
    Give, give and keep giving love and everything without expectation of receiving until the job of soul winning is done
    Be yourself.... don't make her love the "not you" sweet image of you
    If you want her photos ... ask her.... say I want to see you now...
    Last edited by Jingleo; 19-09-2016 at 01:47 PM.

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