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Thread: How to hate your mother-in-law without hurting your marriage

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    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Default How to hate your mother-in-law without hurting your marriage

    How to hate your mother-in-law without hurting your marriage
    What to do if you hate your mother-in-law: strategies for keeping the peace, improving your relationship and saving your marriage.


    he mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is one of the most complex that we enter into upon reaching adulthood. Sometimes the two of you will be best friends, and for some people it is truly like gaining a second mother. At other times, however, the relationship is not what you might expect. It can be one filled with tension, spite, jealousy and even hatred. If this is how you would describe the relationship with your mother-in-law you are not alone. Many women don’t get a long with their mothers-in-law. Having feelings like this is not only unhealthy, but it could affect your marriage in a negative way.

    In an order to better understand this dynamic, you may want to assess the reasons that you do not get along. Try to remove all feeling and emotion from the situation and approach it from a different angle. Does she see you as a threat? Are you jealous of the control she still wields over your husband? Could she be jealous of you? Do you have differing opinions on how to raise children? Try to talk with your partner and get to the bottom of what is really the cause of your problems. It may be hard at first, especially when emotions are running high. Express to your husband your desire to get to the bottom of what is really going on between you and his mom. He should be willing to help; it is his mother after all.

    Once you have gotten to the bottom of what truly lies at the heart of what it is that bothers you so much, you should strategize your next move accordingly. Try to take the high road and extend the olive branch to her. Try to get to know her outside of your predefined roles. Make an effort to get to know her as a person, not just as your “monster”-in-law. Be honest with her about your feelings if at all possible. Avoid statements that make blame. Instead of: “You make me really angry when you feed the baby M&M’s” try: “It hurts me when you don’t have any respect for my wishes.” Make sure that you are taking your own advice by showing her respect as well.

    If the relationship with your mother-in-law is so bad that you don’t think there is any hope of mending fences, then discuss with your partner what you will do. It can be very sad when families part ways and this should only be used as a last resort. If she is in any way endangering the health and well being of your family then it may be best to cut her out of your life.

    If you have exhausted every option and find that the two of you just can't get along then try an “agree to disagree” approach. Agree that the two of you have differing opinions on many issues. That’s okay though. What is not okay, however, is to constantly nag your husband about the situation or force him to try and take sides. Nothing is so important that it should come between the two of you. Try your hardest to present a united front and approach the situation in a direct manner. Keep in mind that someday you are going to be a mother-in-law yourself. Aspire to be the type of daughter-in-law that you hope to have someday.

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    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Default How to Get Along With Your Mother in Law

    1. Tell your spouse.
    most important advice you can be given. If your spouse has no idea how you feel, they may put you in situations you'd rather not be in, like taking care of dear old Mom while she's sick. Tell your spouse kindly (remember, this is their mother) how you feel. State the facts, not your opinions. For example, if your mother-in-law tried to run you over with her SUV, say so. Don't say, "She's horrible and she wants to kill me!" Explain very clearly, without being rude and hurtful.

    2. Discuss calmly. Ask your spouse how they feel about your mother. If the both of you are sharing opinions, it may allow you to be more honest. Don't freak out if your spouse hates your mother with a passion! Remember, if you're just finding out now, then obviously they've done a good job at hiding it. So expect them to continue hiding it around your family.

    3. Be kind. Give your mother-in-law a break! For all you know, she was an orphan, or abused, or cheated on. She's human too, and has had problems in life just like you. Let's say she always griped and complained about your beloved green couch. You hated her for this and made your spouse's life miserable. Then she dies, and at her funeral you discover that she was raped on a green couch. Wouldn't you feel bad?

    4. Get to know her. Ask her to lunch (if you're brave). Or the next time you're at her house, try to spend a few moments with her in the kitchen or sit near her and chat. If the conversation goes really bad, you can always get up to use the bathroom and sit back down in another chair!
    5. When in doubt, give gifts. Women are complex creatures, true, but one thing is almost universal: we love presents! Christmas and birthdays, as well as Mother's Day, are obvious choices. Give your mother-in-law a gift from just you. If you have to, get your spouse to choose the present, then say it's from you. Make sure it's something she will enjoy. If she sees that you are thinking about her and know her tastes, it will help win her over.

    6. Be included. Okay, so you know she doesn't like you and are pretty sure she knows that you don't like her. This doesn't mean you can just stop visiting. This is your spouse's mother, remember, and a mother is very important in life. Don't be rude when your wife or husband wants to visit his/her parents on a Saturday afternoon. You still need to let their child-parent relationship breathe. Visit with your spouse--don't make yourself scarce. Your in-laws will think you're a wuss. This will only make them dislike you more. Remember, the goal is to "get along" with your mother in law...



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    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Default Tips.....



    * If you have children, don't be hostile with your mother-in-law. If she treats the kids well, then she can't be completely horrible. However, if she's being mean to them because she doesn't like you, keep them away from her. Children are impressionable and will not understand. Talk to your spouse and again, use clear examples.

    * If you've been married for over 15 years and your mother-in-law still hates your guts, ignore these tips. You're screwed! Unless some major, life-changing event comes along--like she gets cancer and suddenly loves everyone--you're out of luck. (And no, don't pray for her to get cancer. Do you really want to watch your spouse disintegrate as their mother dies? Didn't think so.)

    * If she calls you and you don't answer the phone, RETURN THE CALL. Everyone knows everyone has caller I.D. She know's eventually you'll see her name or number on your phone. There's nothing worse than playing the passive-aggressive. She can see right through that. Ignoring her won't help your relationship with her. Return the call as soon as possible, and if need be, keep the conversation short but sweet.

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    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Default Warnings



    * Don't be fake! If your mother-in-law is over the age of 25, then she's had some life experience. If you're syrupy sweet, she'll see right through you. This is the DANGER ZONE. Sure, she doesn't like you now, but once you start being too nice, she'll get suspicious and never let you out of her sight!

    * Don't keep griping about her. You and your spouse are in love and happy (right?) so why let someone ruin it? Don't constantly complain about her. When your spouse tells you some little tidbit about what their mom's up to, don't get nasty and start in. Just nod and smile, then change the subject. Simple.
    * Don't declare war. Subtle sniping is tolerable. But screaming and hollering is NOT fine. If you ever find yourself yelling at her, "I hate you! I wish you'd just die!" then you've gone too far. A good rule of thumb is: if you're treating her how you treated your own mom while you were going through puberty, then you're making your disdain too obvious. Back-pedal and buy lots of gifts!

    * Don't let her control your life. If you've honestly tried your best to win her over, and she still hates you, then you have two choices. 1: Talk to her about it. Say, "I get the feeling you really don't like me. What did I do?" Or, 2: Move on! Your mother-in-law is only a small part of your life. Go to work, raise your children, love your spouse, take care of your own parents. Don't let one mean person ruin everything.

    * Don't tell her kids you hate her. If your spouse has a few sisters or brothers, don't look to them as allies. They are your mother-in-law's children and would HATE YOU! Are you nuts?!

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    SB Champion Lieutenant AasimB's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Preeto Maam View Post
    How to hate your mother-in-law without hurting your marriage
    BUT WHY TO HATE???????????????????????????????
    ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????

    Men do have issue with there boss in work place; do we really "HATE: boss up to extend DIL hate MIL?

    Are there any research by prominenet psycologist for such hate?
    Do women know how much it hurts a men when two beloved person dont go well together ??

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    Maverick Colonel Isotope A10's Avatar
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    Great tips, madam !!!
    I am Freakin' Insecure Neurotically Emotional.


    I am FINE.

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    •-passionate peach-• Major Missy's Avatar
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    Ok! So I am gonna say. I feel, marriage is way too far for me to think. Its just crappy stuff mother-in -law- & sister-in-law crap. I think dealing with hubby is way too much. At the moment I dont want to deal with any crappy relationships...
    Chocolate, men, coffee: some things are better rich.


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    Born to Rule Major rocky1976's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AasimB View Post
    BUT WHY TO HATE???????????????????????????????
    ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????

    Men do have issue with there boss in work place; do we really "HATE: boss up to extend DIL hate MIL?

    Are there any research by prominenet psycologist for such hate?
    Do women know how much it hurts a men when two beloved person dont go well together ??

  9. #9
    {Forum Emperor} Lieutenant General !! K A R A N !!'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AasimB View Post
    BUT WHY TO HATE???????????????????????????????
    ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????

    Men do have issue with there boss in work place; do we really "HATE: boss up to extend DIL hate MIL?

    Are there any research by prominenet psycologist for such hate?
    Do women know how much it hurts a men when two beloved person dont go well together ??
    100% Agreed !!!

    ...
    "I can't escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand !!!

    "Tђモ MΘĐΞЯ@t◎Я"
    Smile It's the second best thing you can do with your lips !!!

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    SB Champion Lieutenant AasimB's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Preeto Maam View Post
    How to hate your mother-in-law without hurting your marriage
    Quote Originally Posted by Isotope A10 View Post
    Great tips, madam !!!
    Quote Originally Posted by Missy View Post
    Its just crappy stuff mother-in -law- & sister-in-law crap. I think dealing with hubby is way too much. At the moment I dont want to deal with any crappy relationships...
    Womens Voice!!!!!!!!!
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Quote Originally Posted by AasimB View Post
    BUT WHY TO HATE?
    Quote Originally Posted by rocky1976 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by ksxyboy@yahoo.com View Post
    100% Agreed !!!
    Mens Voice!!!!!


    Dekha pata nahie kya problem hai?

    Meri bahena Missy kie to abhie shadie bhie nahie huei phir bhie usey MIL crappy lagtie hai!!

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    Young Gun inocent_adi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AasimB View Post
    Womens Voice!!!!!!!!!
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .






    Mens Voice!!!!!


    Dekha pata nahie kya problem hai?

    Meri bahena Missy kie to abhie shadie bhie nahie huei phir bhie usey MIL crappy lagtie hai!!




    good info by mam.....
    gr8 job by the boy........good observation

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    Moderator Lieutenant General Preeto Maam's Avatar
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    Well, to be fair to women, you see, its the women who move in with their mothers in law in India. Not the other way round. So the day to day dealing is within the two women and not the son in law and mother in law. Also, in most families, the son in law is treated as some sort of a demi god so the problem really does not arise there.
    However, if the daughter's mom interferes in any manner, you can hear the guys REALLY complain!!


  13. #13
    SB Champion Lieutenant AasimB's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Preeto Maam View Post
    Well, to be fair to women, you see, its the women who move in with their mothers in law in India. Not the other way round. So the day to day dealing is within the two women and not the son in law and mother in law. Also, in most families, the son in law is treated as some sort of a demi god so the problem really does not arise there.
    However, if the daughter's mom interferes in any manner, you can hear the guys REALLY complain!!
    No I dont think is INDIA specific problem.
    Its truly universal!

    I guess you do see Dr. Phil's show or listen to Dr. Laura S. (they do same job as you maam); within an episode you can realize its same..and that is "HATE".

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    {Forum Emperor} Lieutenant General !! K A R A N !!'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Preeto Maam View Post
    Well, to be fair to women, you see, its the women who move in with their mothers in law in India. Not the other way round. So the day to day dealing is within the two women and not the son in law and mother in law. Also, in most families, the son in law is treated as some sort of a demi god so the problem really does not arise there.
    However, if the daughter's mom interferes in any manner, you can hear the guys REALLY complain!!

    A long time ago in China , a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.

    Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.


    Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.

    But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband! d great distress.


    Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-! law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it! Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs.

    She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.


    Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, "Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you."

    Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do."Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving.


    Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. "Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen." Li-Li was so happy.

    She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.


    Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper!r, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.


    After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.


    The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

    Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening. One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."


    Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."


    HAVE YOU REALIZED that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? There is a wise Chinese saying: "The person who loves others will also be loved in return." God might be trying to work in another person's life through you.

    ...
    "I can't escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground on which I stand !!!

    "Tђモ MΘĐΞЯ@t◎Я"
    Smile It's the second best thing you can do with your lips !!!

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    New Born patsave's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by !! K A R A N !! View Post
    A long time ago in China , a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.

    Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.


    Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.

    But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband! d great distress.


    Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-! law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it! Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs.

    She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.


    Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, "Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you."

    Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do."Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving.


    Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. "Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen." Li-Li was so happy.

    She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.


    Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper!r, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.


    After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.


    The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

    Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening. One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."


    Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."


    HAVE YOU REALIZED that how you treat others is exactly how they will treat you? There is a wise Chinese saying: "The person who loves others will also be loved in return." God might be trying to work in another person's life through you.
    wow!amazing!!mindblowing!!! what i can say about that story. every girl out there should take a lesson from it.

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