Wife has a boyfriend

Dear All,

I am unable to make a decision on the course of action to handle my issue. Instead of narrating my problem emotionally let me generalize it as given below.

Background : My self and my wife is having a problem. We were in love for 7 years before getting married. Now it is 10 years completed after our marriage. I am an NRI and for past 5 months my family is in India. They are expected to back by next February.

Problem : My wife used to flirt with other people which makes me angry and depressed. Some times the flirting leads to very intimate relationship. After she reached India (Around 5 months back) She has a boy friend whom she did not met yet. But they used to call every day and send a lot of SMS. During my last vacation which was a month ago I happened to know it. She stored this boy’s name as a female name. I told her that I did not like the way she hide such a friendship from me. I told her it is very painful to me when I know that she is hiding something from me (selfish I believe). I told her the if she will understand my pain only if she is in my position. She understood me. She promised me that she will stop this and she stop sending the messages and she deleted the name from her address book.

Now I am back to my work place and I understand that she re-established the communication which makes me frustrated and unhappy. I think I have below options.

1. Tell her that I know the situation (She will decline it if I say so). If I have to tell her about this situation I may have to fly to India unexpectedly and tell her that I have found the messages and restored number in her cell phone. If I tell her she will get moody and will start telling me that “she is not good for me” etc and start thinking about suicide (this happened 5 times before in last 10 years. And I don’t want to make her sad.

2. No need to tell her about my pain and try to find out a way to distract my thoughts on this subject. As you know it is very difficult to avoid the feeling of being 2nd priority in my girl’s life (at least for some time). If this is the option u prefer, pls suggest some methods to reduce my pain.

3. My wife used to lie a lot and she is not good at it. Most of the time I can feel that she is lying to me.

PS : I love my wife and I cannot leave her even if I am her second priority for a long time.

Please advise. If you have any suggestions other than above please do not hesitate to share. My e-mail id is hel3333@lycos.com

Regards

[Preeto Maam]

I believe that you are being too extreme in thinking that you are her second priority etc. You say that she has not met this person as yet (Or so I understand) and is only just chatting with him etc. I agree that its painful to you but it maybe that you are reacting a bit too negatively.

Do you believe that she loves you? I think that you do. Then, there is a chance to do work things out. Things get hopeless only when there is no love between the partners.

It maybe best to have an open communication with your wife. its OK to tell her that you know what you do and also your feelings about it. Its hardly likely that she will commit suicide because you know that she is chatting with another guy.

[Midnight Valentine]

Ask her not to talk to that boy as you don't like it.
Tell her how you feel clearly and if she still continues ,bad luck for you...in that case..it would be better to distract your mind away from her....and try not to love her sooo much...or feel so much for her...You should not in any case let her exploit you.

But first try to talk to her about it...make-up is always better than break-up!

[a_decent_1]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Dear All,

I am unable to make a decision on the course of action to handle my issue. Instead of narrating my problem emotionally let me generalize it as given below.

Background : My self and my wife is having a problem. We were in love for 7 years before getting married. Now it is 10 years completed after our marriage. I am an NRI and for past 5 months my family is in India. They are expected to back by next February.

Problem : My wife used to flirt with other people which makes me angry and depressed. Some times the flirting leads to very intimate relationship. After she reached India (Around 5 months back) She has a boy friend whom she did not met yet. But they used to call every day and send a lot of SMS. During my last vacation which was a month ago I happened to know it. She stored this boy’s name as a female name. I told her that I did not like the way she hide such a friendship from me. I told her it is very painful to me when I know that she is hiding something from me (selfish I believe). I told her the if she will understand my pain only if she is in my position. She understood me. She promised me that she will stop this and she stop sending the messages and she deleted the name from her address book.

Now I am back to my work place and I understand that she re-established the communication which makes me frustrated and unhappy. I think I have below options.

1. Tell her that I know the situation (She will decline it if I say so). If I have to tell her about this situation I may have to fly to India unexpectedly and tell her that I have found the messages and restored number in her cell phone. If I tell her she will get moody and will start telling me that “she is not good for me” etc and start thinking about suicide (this happened 5 times before in last 10 years. And I don’t want to make her sad.

2. No need to tell her about my pain and try to find out a way to distract my thoughts on this subject. As you know it is very difficult to avoid the feeling of being 2nd priority in my girl’s life (at least for some time). If this is the option u prefer, pls suggest some methods to reduce my pain.

3. My wife used to lie a lot and she is not good at it. Most of the time I can feel that she is lying to me.

PS : I love my wife and I cannot leave her even if I am her second priority for a long time.

Please advise. If you have any suggestions other than above please do not hesitate to share. My e-mail id is hel3333@lycos.com

Regards

Look bro.

Nowhere did i feel that your Wife is actually Cheating you in physical terms. Maybe she kept the name as a "female" name just bcoz she thought recieving sms from a Male would upset you.

What you need to do is Actually believe in her. Trust her that she has improved. Once you do that, even if she would not have improved she would consider how much you love and trust her. And trust me, nothing works better than "Realization" . Once she realizes her mistake, there wont be a problem.

People tend to fall weak when they are in a long distance relationship. Try and be with her most of the time.

G'day

[Lisbonstar28]

Well, i'll tell it as i deem it to be. Your wife has many a ghost in her closet and she is still cheating on you....! Forgiving her past was no doubt a gallant thing for you to have done, a demonstration of love and courage.... but now that she's resorted back to hiding phone numbers [irrespective of the reason] - that, dear Sir, is being deceptive and deception is to be automatically categorised as cheating and betrayal .

What to do, depends on you . I personally would question her worth.
You can either continue trying to find out what's actually causing her to drift by spending a little quality time together and turning a blind eye to the recent happenings, or you can go on spending the rest of your life in misery...pondering in your insecurity and on her fabricated way of life.

Just as you very much should be to her - a wife too should be a cherishing blanket of trust and comfort, always honouring her commitment to her marriage...! Don't let her make a mockery of that !

Try and iron things out for the sake of happiness, if it doesn't seem to work, then i think it's best if you were to remain in your stead and find that happiness elsewhere ...!

Be strong.

[prakash27]

You know ur wife well for 10 years atleast!! Its stupidity to judge somebody whom u know so long just because she talked to another!! Loosen up!!
agony aunt, marriage advice, relationship help, online agony aunt, relationship advice

[it matters to me]

Hi

Sorry but maybe I am being too old fashioned here but as per you, your wife has a habit of flirting and getting intimate (of course more than once) and now since last 5 months has been writing to another guy,,, and you the NRI sitting in some distant country still deciding your course of action and whether to talk to her about it or not??? Just consider few things and hopefully it might help you to handle the situation

ASK YOURSELF

Is it your imagination working over time or your doubts are based on facts

Do you translate her open and friendly nature - as her being a flirt - after all you knew her 7 years before getting married and I am sure her open and friendly nature was one of the reasons you married her

How did you handle her past intimate relationships

Is your lack of trust in your partner based on your thinking that if she could have an affair with you and share the extent of intimacy she shared before marriage with you - she can share that with anyone else too?

What is lacking in you or your marriage that she is still seeking the thrill of a secret romance elsewhere

ASK HER

How important this marriage and relationship is to her

What is it that she misses in her marriage after 17 years of knowing and being with you that she is looking for outside the marriage

FOR BOTH

I feel the most important thing - TRUST is missing in your relationship in both partners. You obviously do not trust her to be faithful and she does not trust you to understand her.

Somewhere in the last 10 years of marriage, busy earning, fighting and making a family, you both forgot whatever you learned about each other in the 7 years you shared before marriage. Try to recollect together. Might help to save the marriage and family

[neerajreg]

Hi,

See the problem isn't that big according to me.

In simple plain language I believe that the girl needs a company.

What has created differences between life before marriage (that made her commit to you for lifetime) and now (that is making her feel a need for a new company)?

The things in your mind
-- could well be your sense of insecurity.
-- could be the lady is feeling emotionally weak and needs emotional support, which is lacking from your end.

Give her that time she deserves that does not make her feel a need for another guy. She will automatically start ignoring the other guy. Now this won't happen in the first attempt. You need to make her believe this by continous attempts.

See, 7 years of affair + 10 years of marriage makes me feel she must be 36-40 years of age. This is one span of life where most women feel insecured the most due to various reasons and this insecurity increases with age. It is advisable to you to make her feel that you need her and that you love her very much.


In case my dear, you are correct and she loves flirting with girls just for the sake of it, I feel sorry for you as the nature of a person cannot be changed at any time. But most probably, given the situation, I feel above is the solution mentioned.......

Best of luck

[knocked out]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Dear All,

I am unable to make a decision on the course of action to handle my issue. Instead of narrating my problem emotionally let me generalize it as given below.

Background : My self and my wife is having a problem. We were in love for 7 years before getting married. Now it is 10 years completed after our marriage. I am an NRI and for past 5 months my family is in India. They are expected to back by next February.

Problem : My wife used to flirt with other people which makes me angry and depressed. Some times the flirting leads to very intimate relationship. After she reached India (Around 5 months back) She has a boy friend whom she did not met yet. But they used to call every day and send a lot of SMS. During my last vacation which was a month ago I happened to know it. She stored this boy’s name as a female name. I told her that I did not like the way she hide such a friendship from me. I told her it is very painful to me when I know that she is hiding something from me (selfish I believe). I told her the if she will understand my pain only if she is in my position. She understood me. She promised me that she will stop this and she stop sending the messages and she deleted the name from her address book.

Now I am back to my work place and I understand that she re-established the communication which makes me frustrated and unhappy. I think I have below options.

1. Tell her that I know the situation (She will decline it if I say so). If I have to tell her about this situation I may have to fly to India unexpectedly and tell her that I have found the messages and restored number in her cell phone. If I tell her she will get moody and will start telling me that “she is not good for me” etc and start thinking about suicide (this happened 5 times before in last 10 years. And I don’t want to make her sad.

2. No need to tell her about my pain and try to find out a way to distract my thoughts on this subject. As you know it is very difficult to avoid the feeling of being 2nd priority in my girl’s life (at least for some time). If this is the option u prefer, pls suggest some methods to reduce my pain.

3. My wife used to lie a lot and she is not good at it. Most of the time I can feel that she is lying to me.

PS : I love my wife and I cannot leave her even if I am her second priority for a long time.

Please advise. If you have any suggestions other than above please do not hesitate to share. My e-mail id is hel3333@lycos.com

Regards

man, i feel for you.. its deefinitely bullshit.. 1st and foremost, ur wife needs some1 as shes in india and ur there.. well u shud try to get her back. second thing, she wont commit suicide, and if she cant mend her ways, threaten her with a divorce and see a marriage counsellor.. tht should help u by all means if she loves you.. nd texting with a guy doesent mean hes her boyfriend.. read the nature of those texts..

and yeah an unexpected visit to her wont be a bad idea, ut it shudbt be just to check whether shes again in contact with him or not.. man take her to a second honeymoon.. bring the spice back

[atiqsyedpk]

very bad . . .

[loojarsingh]

what the ***kaa ijj goin on???? :O

[champaklal]

Originally Posted by loojarsingh

what the ***kaa ijj goin on???? :O

ho ye raha hai ki koi disillusioned ho gaya hai, aur kisi ko kisi pe trust nahin raha hai. Respect bhi subsequently ud sa gaya hai. Life mein relation ka meaning mar gaya hai.

Needs fertilizer and some water though....

[kimora]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Dear All,

I am unable to make a decision on the course of action to handle my issue. Instead of narrating my problem emotionally let me generalize it as given below.

Background : My self and my wife is having a problem. We were in love for 7 years before getting married. Now it is 10 years completed after our marriage. I am an NRI and for past 5 months my family is in India. They are expected to back by next February.

Problem : My wife used to flirt with other people which makes me angry and depressed. Some times the flirting leads to very intimate relationship. After she reached India (Around 5 months back) She has a boy friend whom she did not met yet. But they used to call every day and send a lot of SMS. During my last vacation which was a month ago I happened to know it. She stored this boy’s name as a female name. I told her that I did not like the way she hide such a friendship from me. I told her it is very painful to me when I know that she is hiding something from me (selfish I believe). I told her the if she will understand my pain only if she is in my position. She understood me. She promised me that she will stop this and she stop sending the messages and she deleted the name from her address book.

Now I am back to my work place and I understand that she re-established the communication which makes me frustrated and unhappy. I think I have below options.

1. Tell her that I know the situation (She will decline it if I say so). If I have to tell her about this situation I may have to fly to India unexpectedly and tell her that I have found the messages and restored number in her cell phone. If I tell her she will get moody and will start telling me that “she is not good for me” etc and start thinking about suicide (this happened 5 times before in last 10 years. And I don’t want to make her sad.

2. No need to tell her about my pain and try to find out a way to distract my thoughts on this subject. As you know it is very difficult to avoid the feeling of being 2nd priority in my girl’s life (at least for some time). If this is the option u prefer, pls suggest some methods to reduce my pain.

3. My wife used to lie a lot and she is not good at it. Most of the time I can feel that she is lying to me.

PS : I love my wife and I cannot leave her even if I am her second priority for a long time.

Please advise. If you have any suggestions other than above please do not hesitate to share. My e-mail id is hel3333@lycos.com

Regards

hey dude i am sorry to hear about ur sad story.. infact ur life n my life is da same the difference u r man n im a woman, a helpless wife of a nasty n mean husband. well i have never heard of such story before where woman is tht much dominating over her man. my gawd if i had been on her lace, my husband wudnt hav given me a single chance to clarify myself but just kicked me outta his house n life. u r too good to tolerate all this. hey u.. u r a man. use ur powers tht law n society has given u. wesay bhe every man around is misusing n blackmailing n exploiting women.. tum to phir bhe achay banday lagtay ho. talk to her seriously n tel her straight away abt ur thoughts n fears that had been upsetting u. infact some women do find temporary relationships coz of their husband's long distance jobs, negligence or dishonesty. so give her full time stay close to her and make her live whereever u r living. goodluck