Husband forbids me to wear sleeveless or dresses

[Unregistered]

Hiya, I have been married for 5 years and living abroad. We are both well educated. My family is open minded but my husband is not so much. He is an old soul...i would say.

Initially he told me that he would not let me wear revealing clothes, to which i agreed, because, I myself don't like to show off my body in a bad way.. Then gradually, he wud himself buy me dresses without sleeves and tops as well. He also brought me shorts and skirts. I was very happy , that he does not have any more problems and as long as he himself buys me stuff, Its alright. then suddenly yesterday, we were shopping for his function and i wanted to buy dress....He told me that ' buy something with sleeves' ...I had not problem, but then he said ' I would never let you wear sleeveless or dresses with bare legs' .. We were at the shop , so i didn't exaggerate he issue. But I don't understand his on & off opinions. It pisses me off, but I don't say anything ...because it can lead to a fight, big time.

Now, I will tell you a bit about his personality....He is very strict, mostly isolated from outer world, deep thinker, has zero sense of humor, very judgmental ( specially towards women...he judges them from their appearance a lot) . He has low self esteem and very protective of me. ...I am just saying these things so you can have a wee bit of understanding ab his nature and give me your opinion. I know , some people will be like ' why did you marry him?' ...but guys, you don't know everything ab a person when you first marry them...living with them will tell you more about their personality.

So, I really want to wear at least decent clothes, that I like..specially if i am living in western world, where people are very flexible and I see many Desi girls, wearing revealing clothes here. please how can I convince him or change him? I am not asking for something big? am I?

[Preeto Maam]

Hmmm...well, it really does not seem that you can change a person at a fundamental level, and after the way you've described him, its rather unlikely that he would make that change.
However, compromising on small issues, if it helps the larger good is wise. Everyone in the US or Europe does not wear revealing clothes- and anyway, smart and trendy clothes need not necessarily be revealing.
So, if there are no deep unsolvable issues within the marriage, try and work a compromise around this...its really not such a big deal unless you want to make it one...

[Sweet Mimi]

look its not possible to change someone!! you can try still!! try that with sweetness, and love... be very caring and lovingly ask him to buy you a certain clothes and see!! but least chance with the description you gave about him!! if this doesnt work then all i would say is bear with it find happiness with the clothes he buys you, you wont have much choices left!

[theflickx]

You have married with him since 5 years you must know much about what pleases him. As you have compromised till now you should compromise again may be there would have been times that he would have compromised for you too. So it is not big deal. Compromises make a good relationship (Its My Opinion BTW)

[prabhendu]

Hiya, I have been married for 5 years and living abroad. We are both well educated. My family is open minded but my husband is not so much. He is an old soul...i would say.

Initially he told me that he would not let me wear revealing clothes, to which i agreed, because, I myself don't like to show off my body in a bad way.. Then gradually, he wud himself buy me dresses without sleeves and tops as well. He also brought me shorts and skirts. I was very happy , that he does not have any more problems and as long as he himself buys me stuff, Its alright. then suddenly yesterday, we were shopping for his function and i wanted to buy dress....He told me that ' buy something with sleeves' ...I had not problem, but then he said ' I would never let you wear sleeveless or dresses with bare legs' .. We were at the shop , so i didn't exaggerate he issue. But I don't understand his on & off opinions. It pisses me off, but I don't say anything ...because it can lead to a fight, big time.

Now, I will tell you a bit about his personality....He is very strict, mostly isolated from outer world, deep thinker, has zero sense of humor, very judgmental ( specially towards women...he judges them from their appearance a lot) . He has low self esteem and very protective of me. ...I am just saying these things so you can have a wee bit of understanding ab his nature and give me your opinion. I know , some people will be like ' why did you marry him?' ...but guys, you don't know everything ab a person when you first marry them...living with them will tell you more about their personality.

So, I really want to wear at least decent clothes, that I like..specially if i am living in western world, where people are very flexible and I see many Desi girls, wearing revealing clothes here. please how can I convince him or change him? I am not asking for something big? am I?

you have been with him for 5 years..
if you can't convince him then I am afraid it would be difficult...
you can try to pull off some emotional stuff...

[it matters to me]

Hi

First and foremost whoever said that only revealing clothes and dresses are considered decent in western or eastern world. Living in western world should not decide that you have to wear revealing cloths...

There could be number of reasons he does not like you to wear revealing clothes and dresses:

May be he thinks they don't suit you...after all he wants you his wife to look good
May be he thinks you are getting older with time and should dress more conservatively
May be he does not like the attention (good or bad) you get after wearing revealing cloths...

As for him not letting you wear a revealing dress for his function - well may be he feels something with sleeves will be more appropriate in that gathering.

Sit and talk to him that you like to wear sleeveless dresses and come to a happy agreement that when you go out with him you will wear something more conservative and may be when you go out with your friends or other errands you will wear what you like.

[ace of base]

Well,, lemme try to instill a male mentality in you first and hope you get the point by the time i end. We males, most of them but not all of them(when we are alone or with friends) check out an unknown female from head to toe. Some jeer with a dirty look. Some stare at a particular place till saliva drops from his mouth. And some give a x-ray glance.
A female acts oblivious to this or dosent care about these glances. But for a male accompanying her ,it makes his blood boil. Specially if the female is his wife or girl friend it makes matters more worse.
You have mentioned yourself that initially he had brought you the revealing type of dresses. So that makes one point clear that he was not averse to you wearing such dresses
then why suddenly the change in his attitude? Well the answer might be,, he must have seen guys jeering at you and since he cant stop the guys from looking ,, all he can do is stop you from wearing.
So now the solution is very simple. Wear the dresses you like,,when you go out alone and when you are with your hubby,,wear the kind of dresses he likes.
Now how to get your wardrobe filled with both the dresses is your look out.

[rv102938]

hmm, seems to me like you are just bouncing off your thoughts and looking for responses that say you are right, rather than looking for a solution.

so here you go - you are right. now coming to the solution - see how people behave is unexplainable, especially people who dont talk a lot. you can never tell whats going on in their mind. try telling him that you will listen to him, but he has to tell you beforehand and not just change his stance like this. also ask him if there is something that happened that made him change his stance. i am sure, some event or something he saw outside has changed this and he hasnt told you. all the best.

[o00]

There can be many reasons-

1. You dont look good in those dresses anymore.
2. He saw someone ogling at you and felt offended.
3. He heard someone talking crap about the women who wear such clothes.

On the other hand, it is pretty apparent that you have an equally low self esteem.

[arjun123rocks]

talk to him..make him understand abt ur choices..

[Renu Iyer]

Tell your husband that you don't like him wearing shirts and pants to work but only undershirt and underwear. Tell him to **** off. Is he living in 1900's? If he's a deep thinker then tell him to think about women's rights. Marriage is suppose to go both ways, not one way.

[Pagal Srinath]

He is very strict, mostly isolated from outer world, deep thinker, has zero sense of humor, very judgmental ( specially towards women...he judges them from their appearance a lot) . He has low self esteem and very protective of me

Seems like you have bigger problems and it is not just about clothes. Should have divorced him already. I don't know.

[artonsenna]

Well,, lemme try to instill a male mentality in you first and hope you get the point by the time i end. We males, most of them but not all of them(when we are alone or with friends) check out an unknown female from head to toe. Some jeer with a dirty look. Some stare at a particular place till saliva drops from his mouth. And some give a x-ray glance.
A female acts oblivious to this or dosent care about these glances. But for a male accompanying her ,it makes his blood boil. Specially if the female is his wife or girl friend it makes matters more worse.
You have mentioned yourself that initially he had brought you the revealing type of dresses. So that makes one point clear that he was not averse to you wearing such dresses
then why suddenly the change in his attitude? Well the answer might be,, he must have seen guys jeering at you and since he cant stop the guys from looking ,, all he can do is stop you from wearing.
So now the solution is very simple. Wear the dresses you like,,when you go out alone and when you are with your hubby,,wear the kind of dresses he likes.
Now how to get your wardrobe filled with both the dresses is your look out.

I think this is the most mature answer that has been provided. Let me add just one point which my friend above missed out, that female shaved underarm area does constitute a big turn on for a large number of males today. So an exposed armpit can be on object of lecherous males which your husband may have noticed & hence is not wanting U to wear them in pubic.

There was 2 ways to look at this. One way is don't care about the lecherous glances when they happen bcoz so many women wear sleeveless tops today knowing fully well the unwelcome stares they get and convince ur husband to ignore the dirty stares.

Other is exactly what "ace of base" has suggested. One set of top when you are going out alone/without your husband and another set when he accompanies you. I don't think this should be such a big deal for you to make this small adjustment for a happy married life which you have already been living for 5yrs. Hope this helps.